Struggling with grief after my mum’s sudden death and time off work

[Littleboymamaaa]

my mum sadly passed away unexpectedly at the end of April.. I’m struggling so much still and I feel like people are losing patience with me. I’m signed off work still as dealing with a young child and a massive loss in my twenties is just a struggle.. I feel guilty for not being able to be in work at the moment but I’m struggling with not being emotional and I’m exhausted.. dealing with such a loss is difficult in your twenties alone as well as adding in that I’ve got a young child to care for.. just wondering if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom at this hard time 😞

I'm sorry for your loss
Would it help to talk about your dear mum here?
What support have you got around you?
Have you spoken to your GP at all, is that something that you think might be helpful?

I’ve been signed off work from my gp, he’s also referred me for talking therapy which I started today.. did more crying than talking 😔

I'm so sorry; losing your mum is such a blow.

I found writing to her helped me. All the stuff I wanted to say, all the stuff I was devastated she would miss which other people get to take for granted, the stupid unfairness of it all, and how much I missed her.

If not writing, is their another creative outlet for all your feelings? Just being able to express them can be a relief.

It took me 10 years before I could talk without crying about my mum who died suddently. I was young and it was heartbreaking I know how your feeling.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mum very suddenly about 18 months ago, and I'm only just starting to process it now really.

There is no right way of grieving and no prescribed timescale for when you should feel better. Is your work actually making you feel like you've had too much time off, or is this just your own guilt telling you that they've had enough?

As a manager, I have always encouraged my team to take the time that they need after a close family bereavement. I would rather that than have them come back before they're really ready.

It sounds like you're trying to be proactive with the counselling etc. Though I was advised to wait 6 months before starting bereavement counselling so, if anything, it might be a bit soon for you.

Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. If you're worried about work, maybe consider booking a meeting in with your line manager to talk through your concerns. They might be able to arrange a phased return or something that would help you get back into it a bit more slowly.

I lost my mum very suddenly and had four young children to care for. She helped with childcare which also made things difficult. I only took about three weeks off but with hindsight I should have been off a lot longer as i just don't think I ever processed things properly. I also worked in a job where I had to deal with death and was very hard. Please do not feel bad about taking off as much time as you need, it will help your healing in the longer term.

My dad died suddenly 23 years ago. Give yourself time. It is the only thing that helps. I still miss my dad terribly and feel so sad he missed out on my wedding and all his grandchildren. Be kind to yourself, take the time off work, cry and talk about your mum whenever you want to xx

I'm sorry for your loss and I empathise with you but I do think you have to try and get back to normal life at some point. Have you been back at work at all yet? You may find the first day really tough and you might cry but you might find getting stuck into your work and getting back into a routine might help. As hard as it is, life does go on because it has to.

Take the time you need , I knew my dad was dying and didn’t take much time off but a couple of months later it hit me like a tonne of bricks - don’t give a single thought to what people are thinking about you being off

No advice but sending a hug to you and everyone who have lost their mums.

So sorry for your loss.
Everyone has to work out what works best for them but I’d want to go back to work. Depending how good your company is maybe a phased return might work. I’ve always found it to be better to be surrounded by people and to be busy. Generally I have a lot of faith in human kindness and I’ve found that people are usually supportive when someone has experienced a bereavement. No one that’s half decent is going to mind if you are emotional at work.
If it were me, staying at home looking after a young child would be the worst thing to do.

I'm sorry. That is a terrible loss. I lost my Dad at a similar age. I wish that I had taken the right time and got help like you. It would probably have saved me 15 years of poor mental health.

I'm sending you a huge hug and much love. My mum died when I was a child. I couldn't talk about her without crying for many years. That too was a sudden death. It's a massive deal to lose your mum at any time but when you are young it's so, so hard. You need to do whatever helps you, and tell others what you want. If you can't talk, say so. If you want to talk and others want to listen then do that. If you feel very low, phone the Samaritans. Please take care of yourself, slowly, minute by minute. It's all you can do. And remember that your mum loved you. Now I'm old, and I know she wanted me to be happy.
I'll finish by saying. May her memory be a blessing forever.

I lost my Dad two years ago and it was horrendous. I think I had three weeks off work. I was already due off work for two weeks annual leave but they changed it to bereavement leave.

This is going to sound harsh but you need to realise life will never be the same again. It will always be difficult but you have a child who relies on you. You need to pull yourself together and get back to some normality.

A sudden loss is a terrible shock 😔 so you're dealing with that as well as the immeasurable loss of your mum. There is no timetable on grief, it really is different for everyone. Give yourself time and I hope the talking therapy will help. When you do return to work, maybe try a phased return and go in for a few hours at first and see how you get on. In time, it may be a good distraction. When I lost my dad, I did keep busy and found that it helped me to have a structure to the day. It was exhausting at first and I would go to bed and cry when I got home, but over time it got easier. You will find joy in life again, as I'm sure your mum would want you to. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes 💐

I went back a month after my mum suddenly died at a young age, for about 2 weeks it was really hard. I went back on a phased return and really supportive managers and that helped. I’m now back full time but on restricted duties. I spend most my time in a daze or crying outside of work, and I don’t sleep well, but work has become a break and has given me some normality, and something else to focus on. I think a couple of extra weeks might have been helpful, but ultimately it would have been hard to go back to normal whenever as nothing will be normal again. I do love my job but it’s stressful and I deal with death and dying people so that’s been tough at times. Sometimes I just walk away for a bit and have a break and a cry then come back, but I think I made the right decision going back when I did. I guess it depends for you how supportive your work is with amending duties or phased returns.
I am so sorry for your loss.

I know someone who took it so hard when her mum died that she had to take early retirement; she just couldn’t cope at work anymore. I think she’d taken about a year off work after be mum died as well, so she really struggled. I think she’s doing ok now.

I am so sorry about your mum OP. Your little one will help get you through. It will get easier in time, but you can’t force your way through it. Don’t be hard on yourself.

Sending love OP. You’re going through such a lot. Look after yourself 🩷

Slowly going back to work and thinking of something else may actually help you. You need to get out of this current feeling as it can’t go on forever.

I'm so sorry OP xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum OP, at your young age that's especially difficult for you, my condolences 💐.
I think a sudden and unexpected death is more difficult to process - I lost my partner suddenly 4 years ago and it took me 2 years to get over that properly. There are no shortcuts and as someone mentioned upthread, 6 months after death is about the right time to embark on bereavement counselling. By then you are starting to look ahead and mentally in a position to benefit from the counselling. In the meantime it may be worth connecting with a bereavement support group as talking about it with others that have gone through the same process helps put things in perspective for you.

That’s great you have some therapy. And if you need to cry then that’s right for you in the session.

The important thing is not to worry what others think about how you’re managing your grief and to accept everyone deal with grief differently.

As long as you’re doing what’s right for you - that’s all that matters.

I’m so sorry. I was old when my mum died and it knocked me completely for six. I never went back to work afterwards. It’s entirely natural to be raw with grief so soon after losing your mum. Take your time, it doesn’t matter what other people think. 💐

I also suffered a sudden loss about 20 years ago and I know now I'll never get over it but I've learned to live with it

As pp said as long as you have the Armoury of a docs letter and stuff you should be covered

Hopefully an HR person can let you know

I'm so sorry. My Mum died at the beginning of the year. I'm in my fifties and found it really hard (don't have kids so didn't have the day to day responsibility you have). I cried virtually every day from Mum's terminal diagnosis in November until the middle of February. Returning to work was really difficult the first week. My job requires attention to detail and I felt like my brain was fried. My managers were really supportive though. My sleep pattern is still shocking though. You just have to do what feels right for you. Don't be hard on yourself. Sending love.xx