How do I step back from an unproductive mentoring relationship?

[TheWildZebra]

Context: I’m an early-mid career F researcher at a university. in the last couple of years, in response to unstable/fixed term contracts, I’ve been looking to scope my options in other industries that I might be able to transition into.

the problem: I’ve been in touch with a senior leader in an industry I’m very interested in becoming more involved in - I see a lot of scope for career development there and it’s growing as a sector. I met this man at a conference a couple of years ago (all very polite and nothing untoward), and after meeting a couple of times I asked whether it would be possible for me to do a secondment to where he worked. He said their team didn’t have capacity for that, but he wanted to involve me in specific projects so I could see how they worked, without being formally involved. The issue is that the “meat’ of these projects never materialised, and our meetings that were on the premise of this project (which always seemed around the corner) turned in to him basically downloading information about all of the things he’s currently working on. At first it was interesting to know how the sector worked, who the pain players were etc., but now it’s turned into him just offloading his problems on to me.

I feel like I’ve become therapist to my unofficial mentor.

Fast forward 18 months, we met last week off the back of an offer that he made for me to come and work with him at the company. This offer came as a surprise but I was excited by it. But when we met, again, he spent a good hour just doing his information download and then at the end asked me what my plans were - as if the months long conversation with him and other team members about joining them never happened.

what I want advice on is how to politely step back from all this, but also feed back to him that the meetings (which he wants more of!!) feel inappropriate in that, for want of a better phrase, his mentee is becoming his therapist.

sorry for the long post, but wondering how to handle?

I don’t want to burn bridges as it’s a sector I want to stay in touch with for research, but I’m also just sick of the guy and don’t think any of the conversations about the job will turn in to anything now. (Also my contract with the uni has been renewed- hooray! So I don’t have that pressure anymore.).

any advice?

Oh and the trigger for this irritation is that he emailed me the next day asking whether I’d be able to meet next month because he found our chats “so helpful”. Hence the opportunity to reply with some constructive criticism.

But why didn’t you bring up the employment offer at your meeting?

It sounds as though you haven't kept boundaries or actually followed up on offers and promises, so it's become (to him) a nice chat - i dont see what you'd gain by offering the "constructive criticism". You'd be better off focusing on why you allowed this to continue and how you make sure any future mentor relationships are productive.

I didn’t feel like I could get a word in inchways, to be honest. Usually in meetings it’s a 2-way dialogue but it was only after about 50 minutes that he actually paused for long enough for the matter to come up.

it sounds ridiculous because I’m usually far more assertive.

it does all demonstrate that this would’ve been a bad idea, but what I want advice on is how to wind the relationship down in a way that doesn’t burn a bridge. (But I also want to vent that I feel like he’s just wasted my time especially with his monologues). I feel a bit of a fool tbh.

That’s fair feedback. I’ll have to think about it.

Could this be a reverse mentoring concept? Seems like he might be considering you as fulfilling this role to him?

I think you should directly ask him about the role that he mentioned to lock this down - after all, that would mean these conversations could continue as well.

I'd just say that due to work commitments you can no longer meet up and I wouldn't bother feeding back - he won't listen. When your 'work commitments' lessen in a few months, then seek another mentor.

I’ve never heard of reverse mentoring 😅 sounds terrible!

at this point I don’t want to follow up because I’ve accepted the contract on my extension, which for various personal reasons, now makes more sense to stay with that moving to a different employer right at this moment (these personal circs have literally come about in last month or so!).

Also try to get an 'official' mentor through an industry scheme and put in boundaries.

Suggest to him that he might benefit from an executive coach.

Reduce your availability - if necessary by pulling out of meetings a day or two before they happen, or just by being too busy with commitments to meet when he wants to. Gradually reduce further.

Find other links to the industry - if your objective was to get work then he was a pretty unhelpful resource.

Hi Soon to be former mentor

Thank you for your time over the past couple of years, I have found it really interesting to understand more about an industry that I would very much like to work in, in the future. Our chats have been invaluable in understanding what I will need to do to pursue opportunities in the future.

However, I do feel like we have now reached a plateau and I have a number of existing work and home commitments that require my attention, so I feel like this would be a good point for me to step back from our mentoring sessions.

It will be great to remain in contact with you on LinkedIn and I look forward to seeing how your projects progress in the future.

Many thanks once again for your time and support, and please do keep in touch.

Best regards,

TheWildZebra

Thanks for taking the time to draft this. Appreciate it! ❤️

might you cover it in an update about the contract extension you have accepted?

that you are excited about the opportunities opening up to you and only sorry that it will restrict your availability to continue your sessions.

how you look forward to …

I wouldn’t burn my boats, just not be available. Good luck.

Don't criticise him, or offer him feedback on his mentoring, at all.
Thank him profusely for his time, then make yourself unavailable.

First I'd email and say, 'We didn't get a chance to talk through the work offer you made to me. Can we firm up the details by email?' then ask a couple of relevant questions that allow you assess if it is suitable for you and if it's likely to materialise. If it isn't, just withdraw, You owe this time waster nothing at all. Say that you have found the chats an invaluable learning experience (you have learned not to drop boundaries just because someone has sway in your industry) but you are currently focused on completing coursework/involved in a major project and stepping back from the mentoring process for now.

I bloody hate men who talk at you. Pompous, egotistical oafs.

Good plan! Thank you for the ideas everyone!