Feeling like I’m drowning

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

6 weeks pp. baby boy is gorgeous. For a newborn he is a happy one, sleeps brilliantly in the day and somewhat so so at night (grunts a lot, generally noisy, BF so is on and off me). Loves tummy time, loves music, can be put down but I tend to sling wear him as we have two 5 year olds (one step son, one biologically mine) . My wife (same sex marriage) works part time, so is present in the evenings and back end of the week. A lot to be happy for, but I feel like I’m drowning.
I wrote on here back in 2020 when I was PP with my daughter during lockdown, and was flooded with support and ended up being very unwell PP, I don’t think I’m there now but I just miss my body. I miss my wife despite her being here. I miss the time we had, I’m struggling to split myself between 3 kids. I don’t want the two 5 year olds to grow up despising me. I baby wear so I can be there for shower time, bed time stories etc but I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. My wife will wear the baby sometimes but he tends to want me for breast. I'm constantly leaking from my breasts and stink of sour milk. I’m crying a lot.. I am constantly trying to break the generational cycle in which I was raised, thus putting pressure on myself to be perfect. Everyone saying I’m doing so great but I don’t think I am. I want to take a super long shower without thinking I can hear the baby crying.

He’s a very much wanted and obviously planned baby, through a clinic. He’s a miracle. I love him and I do have a bond. But I just feel like I’m drowning . What do I want from this post? No idea, I guess I just needed to write it out. Anyone else feel like this? I’ve spoken to my wife, but I’m just feeling so lonely.

Sorry you are feeling like this. It is always hard in those first few weeks. It is probably worth contacting your HV and GP and see if there is any extra support. It could be post natal depression so definitely have a chat with a professional. It does get easier so take it day by day and look after yourself.

Be gentle on yourself - family dynamics change with the arrival of a newborn and you are juggling a lot and hormones and routines will take a while to settle down. If you suffered before your GP and health visitor should be extra vigilant and provide support so don’t be afraid to speak out. It’s good you recognise the signs and can express them. These feelings will pass with time and support. Reach out for support now from yr wife and friends or extended family. It sounds like you just need a bit of a break to have a shower and me time. Don’t put pressure on yourself. If you can join a local baby group and speak to other new mothers it can also help to share the ups and downs of a newborn and help you feel less lonely. Go gently. It may well be events of the past are unresolved and you may need professional support to deal with it as the effects could be rising to the surface as you navigate motherhood and reflect on your parents and the past. All the best.