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Cancer, kids, chemo and work

15 replies

MostlyFoggyTheseDays · 10/06/2026 10:17

Just looking for advice / any similar experiences to help me get my head round this and plan.

Diagnosed w cancer and had surgery 2.5 weeks ago - hysterectomy, ovaries, bowel resection, lymph nodes, blood vessels etc removed. Unfortunately histology has shown some lymph node involvement so though no secondary tumors it’s chemo for me, but a really good outlook hopefully after that. Two questions for anyone who had been through this please:

  1. Telling kids. Two early teens who up til now had just been told it was preventative surgery and nothing to worry about. Chemo won’t be easy to mask so just wondering how everyone else handles this without unduly worrying their kids?
  2. work. I am recovering well from essentially 2 major surgeries. Told 6 weeks off work but think I’ll make it back part time (remote at least) before that. Or at least that was before chemo news. I know there are different regimes and people react differently but were people able to work at least part time through chemotherapy?

Really appreciate any info from anyone who has been through this or close to it - thanks!

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 10/06/2026 10:38

Firstly I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds like an absolutely mammoth thing you're trying to wrap your head round.

Have you got another adult on the household to talk this through with? Me and my husband agreed a joint approach between us, and we agreed on being fully transparent on the diagnosis and treatment plan, in an age appropriate way.

It was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had, but at least we could time it properly and plan what was going to be said, how we wanted to approach it - there are so many unknowns with cancer, so we just stuck with commuting the treatment plan and how it could impact them - we concentrated on supporting them through with lots of extra hugs and some cosy time after.

Alot of advice online is for younger children rather than teens - I did buy the kids a book "my parent has cancer and it sucks" - which came recommended, daughters took it more out of politeness and I don't know whether it helped but it was something. A big thing that did help was flagging to their school that we were going through a challenging period as a family, my youngest had a time out card she could use to briefly leave lessons and also access to a mentor - which she found incredibly helpful, my eldest didn't want anyone at school to know and not to be treated differently which was also respected.

With chemo and work, check your work sickness policy, cancer is covered under disability discrimination (and thank goodness it is) - consider planning for your worst case of side effects and plan in some mitigations such as if working from home is a possibility, building in extra breaks or late/early starts to handle fatigue. My husband's work were incredibly supportive in the beginning, however when he had a change in manager they did try to dismiss him (ironically he was well at this point!) - document everything at an early stage and keep records on your home computer.

saraclara · 10/06/2026 10:47

As you're aware, chemo protocols vary hugely. My husband's was pretty easy on him. No nausea, vomiting etc. Just tiredness for three days and some neuropathy. But other 'cocktails' can be much more debilitating. So I'm not sure we can help with your decision. Has your oncologist given you any info on your protocol? That's going to be key.

My husband and I made the mistake of not being as open with our kids as we should have been. So I'd suggest being clear and honest, but positive.

It's all really hard. You have my empathy and sympathy. All the best with it.

DilemmaDelilah · 10/06/2026 11:13

I wasn't able to work at all during chemo. My friend was able to work 2 weeks out of 3. You won't know until you know.... Sorry not to be of much help.

Interested in this thread?

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CointreauVersial · 10/06/2026 11:19

So sorry to hear this. It's a horrible journey to be on.

I had endometrial cancer in 2019, requiring hysterectomy etc, but luckily only needed radiotherapy to "mop up" afterwards. I was back at work about 3 weeks after the op, but still taking things easy. Although mine was keyhole, it's still surprising how knocked out I was by the surgery - the cuts on the outside aren't visible, but there's lots on invisible chopping about internally to heal from. And I didn't have any of the bowel stuff you mentioned, so take the time to recover physically.

I worked throughout the radiotherapy, but that's very different from chemo. Not as debilitating, but you do have to go every day for 28 days. I felt fine, just spent ages in the car! But it was important to me to work whenever I could, partly just to feel normal, but also because the company were (and have always been) very good to me and supportive. You will have to see how you feel, and you are protected if you need time off throughout treatment.

I'm 6 years clear now.... hooray. There is light at the end of the tunnel....

Regarding kids - my 3 were mid-late teens, and choosing the right time to tell them was the hardest thing. I decided not to say anything throughout all the weeks of investigation/diagnosis, mainly because I wanted the whole picture before informing them.....and boy were they pissed off about being kept in the dark! I broke the news just before my op, and they were adamant that they should have known sooner, and they were old enough to handle the whole "is it, isn't it?" process. I still believe I was right to wait until I had answers and knew what I was dealing with, and could give a positive story. And selfishly, I wanted to navigate the stressful diagnosis alone, without the "noise" of having to support them too....particularly if it had turned out to be benign - what would have been the point of worrying them for nothing? Sometimes you have to make unpopular decisions, so I only told them once I had no choice. To be honest, once they were told they were brilliant, and great support during my recovery, particularly when I was rushed back into hospital 10 days post-op with a haemorrhage.

Anyway, you are now approaching the stage where you need to tell them, as you really can't hide chemo without worrying them even more....you'll probably be surprised at how they handle it, particularly if you can give them a good prognosis. If you are worried they will feel you mis-led them, maybe a white lie that something was found during the op, blah blah blah. Definitely tell the school so they are aware.

Good luck.

Floppyearedlab · 10/06/2026 11:28

So sorry OP.
Work can and will be flexible. .A good employer will be keen to support you as possible, keeping you as involved as you can and want to be while supporting your recovery. It sounds like you really want to work by saying you will make it back PT ahead of your sick leave running out - great. Do what you feel you can do.

As for the children, honesty is the best policy. Don't let them find stuff out from the internet or scaremongering at school. Be honest and open, tell them what your treatment will involve and don't tell them they have to be strong. Make sure their school, friend and friends parents are aware so that they can be supported and remember that counselling is available for them too.

Wishing you all the very besto

VividDeer · 10/06/2026 11:31

That's a big operation, can you stay off sick through treatment?

I've had breast cancer and off since autumn. Back soon, but I was able to take a long time off.

I told my kids fairly early on. It was upsetting but necessary. Keep it factual and look up some advice from mcmillan and similar. Practise saying it to yourself, but don't worry if you cry.

mindutopia · 10/06/2026 11:32

First of all, tell your kids. Right away and don’t sugar coat it. Kids are incredibly resilient and adaptable. I have advanced melanoma, it’s ‘treatable but not curable’, I may not die from it, but I will always live with it or at least the spectre of it returning. 50% 10 year survival rate. I told both my dc before I even had my first surgery. They were like, oh, okay, does that mean you’ll lose your hair? They really did take it in their stride. I’m 2 years in now and they have coped very well. It’s lovely having their support and kindness through the rough bits.

I also lost my dad to cancer as a teenager. I was told he had cancer, but no one told me he was dying. It was all very hush hush, let’s not have hard conversations. 3 weeks from diagnosis til he died. No one told me he was dying until he was already in a coma and I never got to say goodbye or have any of the conversations I would have had if I knew. It spared me no heartache not being told the full truth. So tell them.

Oof, as for work, I would just say explore what your options are for long term sickness. You are in the easy bit now. Treatment will take it out of you. I personally haven’t had chemo, it’s targeted therapy and immunotherapy for my cancer. But it is a minority who manage to continue working throughout. I know quite a few who are a year post treatment and only just returning to work. I was off work for 6 months and my job disappeared and I’ve not returned. I could manage a few flexible hours a week around appointments, but no one will hire someone who is such a liability. It’s worth doing what you can to hold onto your job, but absolutely take time off in the early months of treatment. Your body needs to rest and heal for the treatment to work.

For me, I could only do so much. I could work more, but it would mean I would have to be in bed when my kids are home. My body can’t do it all. We’ve decided that on the balance of quality of life, it’s better that I can be there as a parent for the dc than for my job. If/when I die, my boss isn’t going to give a shit if I worked or not, but my kids remembering that I was at sports day and their birthday party and always there to collect them from school and talk about things that are worrying them instead of being in bed is going to make a real difference to how they cope going forward. It’s about prioritising where you spend your energy.

saraclara · 10/06/2026 12:04

For me, I could only do so much. I could work more, but it would mean I would have to be in bed when my kids are home. My body can’t do it all. We’ve decided that on the balance of quality of life, it’s better that I can be there as a parent for the dc than for my job. If/when I die, my boss isn’t going to give a shit if I worked or not, but my kids remembering that I was at sports day and their birthday party and always there to collect them from school and talk about things that are worrying them instead of being in bed is going to make a real difference to how they cope going forward. It’s about prioritising where you spend your energy.

I think that's excellent advice. While my husband's chemo wasn't one of the worst, his physical and psychological energy wasn't 100%. He was determined to use what energy he had to live family life as normally and positively as he could.
If your employer is sympathetic and reasonably generous with sick leave, I would take advantage of that, and focus your energies on your family (and your own wellbeing).

OneZanyCat · 10/06/2026 12:32

I didn't work throughout treatment but some people do - I would just see how it goes and do whatever works best for you and your family.

Re telling kids I told mine as chemo was required, one coped well the girl NT, one fell apart - the boy who was very attached to me and asd. So don't assume all kids are resilient and can cope with anything especially if they have other stressors in their lives like mine were at GCSEs or near GCSEs. The official advice for NT kids is to tell. ND it depends on child. I think ND need certainty and not too many stressors.

MostlyFoggyTheseDays · 10/06/2026 12:59

Really appreciate you all taking the time to pass on such valuable advice - it is very valuable. I’ll wait to understand the chemo protocol and be open with the kids, which will see them through most of the term. I recognize now the difference between protecting them and disempowering them I think.Thanks for the point re school - hadn’t really thought about that but it is a good recommend.

I guess work is a wait and see but reckon I may stress more being totally off but also think the return to FT will be further off now, so at this point think I may change my plan to longer PT/ phased return. All may change again of course…

Thanks again and I wish all of you the best of luck with what you are facing too. Shit club to be in but the membership seem great 😄.

OP posts:
MostlyFoggyTheseDays · 10/06/2026 13:01

PS The point about prioritizing and spending energy in important places - family was well made and well taken! That will govern work above all!

OP posts:
TheBot · 10/06/2026 13:15

Sorry you're facing this.
Some good advice here. Firstly be open with the children. Mine were older teens but I made a mistake in keeping them in the dark until I had my ducks in a row.
Yours know already and will already be worried. If they suspect you aren't being open with them they will worry more.
Second I couldn't have worked through chemo but others can. It depends on your job and the type of chemo.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 10/06/2026 13:23

I am going through weekly chemo, and every third week is 2 chemo drugs and immunotherapy. Ive worked throughout and completed my degree still. Theres si many different chemo regimes and drugs and everyone experiences them differently. I am going to go off sick purely because I have a good sick policy and time with my family means more to me than work. That being said ive been working from home so far and ive found it really isolating on what feels quite a lonely journey at times. So do what works for you and your journey. You might sail through or feel very very sick. Week 1 I understood why people decline treatment but since then ive felt the effects less and less. I really hope you will be ok and wish you the best.

MostlyFoggyTheseDays · 10/06/2026 17:57

Thanks for the insights and very best of luck with your recoveries. I will wait and see but it is helpful hearing how it hit for others.

I am slightly itching to get on with it but it will be a week or two as I am too close to surgery for my body to take it right now apparently.

OP posts:
Aabbcc1235 · 10/06/2026 19:19

I had bowel cancer in the summer, lymph nodes but no spread, and I has capox chemotherapy.

My kids are younger than yours and so I just explained that I needed the chemo to stop it coming back, that I would feel very poorly for a few days, but that it would actually be good for me not bad for me.

I had iv chemo every three weeks, tablets for the first two of those, and then a weeks break. After each IV chemo I needed about 4 days lying on the sofa, but I was fine to work remotely the rest of the time. I cancelled all in-person stuff to protect me a bit from germs in trains/tube/restaurants etc. The kids went to their dad’s for the worst few days each time.

It was hard but doable.

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