I'm 22, 5 foot 2, and I weigh about 120lbs -- which is certainly healthy. I'm a PhD student, and I work pt as a waitress. I exercise regularly. 120 sounds like a lot, I'm a size 6 (uk). I love food. I love cooking. I love eating.
Most days I eat a single serving chocolate bar for breakfast. or a cupcake. or a brownie. for lunch, ramen, and dinner, pasta. but I'm not exceeding 1200 kcal a day. 300 for breakfast, 300 for lunch, 600 for dinner. I don't count coffee (instant) and I don't count pickled things like gherkins or olives. veg and fruit I don't count but high kcal fruit I won't eat.
One day a week I let myself eat what I want -- this is capped during the day time but at night I let myself eat at a restaurant or whatever. This is why I'm not thinner.
holidays and vacations I eat whatever I like. I'm much happier then. I feel so much more relaxed.
My dad, who didn't know he was causing me harm, would, and still does, joke about my eating habits, saying I would get cellulite and so forth since I was a young child.
when I was 15 I realised it was easy to eat 2000 kcal a day. lost a lot of weight. when I was 18 I went to uni and realised 1800 kcal was easy too.
I started exercising more. started eating 1600 kcal a day at 19. I lost more weight. I went travelling for a month, really enjoyed myself... ate whatever I wanted.
I lived at uni between 18-21, with my partner. He believes strongly that there is something unhealthy and sick about the way I eat. it's not his job, but when we lived together, he was there to make sure I was eating more. I think he's the only person who gives a shit that I might be unwell.
then, last year, I moved in my best friend with us as rent was unaffordable. it lasted a week and she had a psychotic break and said some really evil things to me. things I can't unhear. I kicked her out and moved home, like I said, and now im eating 1200 a day. some nights, after work, I cave and eat maybe 200 more kcal.
My parents know I'm doing this. my dad knows a nurse and casually mentioned my extreme discipline. She seemed concerned but he brushed it off as a joke to me. he does gawk and look shocked when I weigh everything but thinks its impressive. My mum is much the same. My dad tells me he wishes my mother had my disciple with food.
Today, I stood up and felt really weak. I've eaten some fruit but I feel shaky. I just want to sleep.
At 22 this feels childish and vain, and it probably is. I need to fix this now, don't I? It feels out of control. I told myself once I got my phd place I would deserve to eat more but I havent gone through with it