Are our teenage phone cut-off times during term time too strict?

[Sartre]

I have a 13, 15 and 16 yo. Worth noting youngest and eldest do not care whatsoever about the screen time restrictions we have in place, or at least they’ve never complained. Middle DD is more extroverted and sociable and prefers social media / messaging apps so this may be why she’s more bothered than they are.

Our current set up is phones shut off at 9pm during the week, 10:30 on weekends and school holidays (which is when DH and I go to bed). Eldest two are going through GCSEs so I think it’s more important than ever that they get adequate sleep. They’re up at 6.30 am and they faff about for 30 mins min after screens go off so basically it’s 9.30 minimum until they’re in bed but probably sleep by 10 meaning it’s around 8.5 hours sleep which I think is right at their age.

Basically DC2 thinks this is hugely unfair and we’re at loggerheads constantly. According to her, her friends (who are all very sensible so I’m not convinced) have unrestricted screen time so stay up till past midnight. She finds it embarrassing she has to cut off chats to go to bed. Are we being unfair? As I say, DC1 and 3 don’t care.

Your house; your rules. Children don't get to dictate.

You know your child and whether she would self regulate or not. If she won't and she likely won't. Teenage/child brains aren't developed for this, then as the adult you take control. Maybe have a conversation around this. Your other children can regulate and this shows same household same upbringing but different kids. It's fair to have a similar rule for them all (ages difference taken into account). Kids will always say their friends have what they don't. I remember doing it at that ages - oh mum everyone has blah bag or blah trainers or is allowed to stay out to blah time. Spoiler they weren't!!

I know my daughter (10) much younger cannot be given free reign of her iPad or switch as she has no self control whereas friends have said their child can. Every child is different. Mine has temper tantrums and almost like withdrawal symptoms if given too much TV or iPad time.

Sounds fair to me , my DS age 15 and yr 11 is 10 pm

I have two mid-teens. Their phones lock automatically at 9.30pm until 6am in the week. I disable this sometimes at the weekends/holidays/sleepovers etc.

One of my teens would self regulate. The other would be on social media all night long and then complain she was tired.

My DC13 with adhd cannot self regulate. They would spend all their time on devices if allowed and stay up all night given half the chance.

Here their phone shuts off at 7pm monday-sunday and unlocks at 7am. I think 12 hours access is plenty at 13.

I also have a 2 hour per day limit on their xbox and tv.

I do check his phone from time to time but we have a very good relationship and he does talk to me about things he’s seen / found - he’s actually very mature for his age, very studious and into politics and has quite strong views over inappropriate content himself! I think all teens are different and you have to build the basis of self regulation when they’re younger than their teens, so they can be sensible as they get older. My eldest is 23 and is back at home for a while after doing a masters degree. We had the same approach with her growing up and it hasn’t done her any harm academically or socially.

Most of the content Ds is into is playing Xbox online with his actual school friends (he has his own gaming room and I can hear him - very clearly! - through the walls!) and he watches a lot of Japanese anime type stuff, and listens to a lot of left wing political stuff!

I have to pass his room on the hallway to go to the toilet in the night so I can see if he’s asleep or not. He’s always asleep by 11.30/11.45 ish. He’s never needed tons of sleep.

Thank you for the insights, it’s fascinating to hear how different everyone is! I definitely don’t think she’d self regulate, I think she’d stay up till midnight or later even and be exhausted and moody.

She’s not talking to me this evening because I’ve refused to budge- fun!

My 15 year old (Y10) has to bring his phone down at 10pm and the WiFi on his XBox is set to go off then as well. (He gets up at 6 for his paper round.)

My son is 13 and needs his sleep, no matter what time he goes to sleep he is awake at 7.30, he cannot sleep in. His phone and Xbox lock at 9.15 on a school night and 10 on a weekend and in the holidays but we sometimes let him go later than 10 depending on plans. His phone is not allowed in his room whilst he's going to sleep, as even though it's locked it will still ring! We go to bed around 11 and he's fast asleep by then so we put it in his room so he hears the alarm in the morning.

We allowed phone in room after GCSEs as they need to learn to self regulate and to recognise the consequences of not enough sleep. There were definitely kids with unlimited access and I simply suggested to dd (who hated the restrictions) that she say it was her own decision as she’d realised it was wrecking her sleep. Some of the annoyance is fomo but some is definitely embarrassment at having to follow rules when you think other parents are so much cooler than yours!
I don’t actually k ow if she did say this and tbh we caught her with iPad in there instead more than once but now at the grand old age of 21 she declares that any children of hers will not have screens or any social media. 😆

OP, this is one of those areas where everyone on Mumsnet apart from you and me has a self-regulating teen. Whereas I struggle to regulate my own phone use at times...

Anyway, I think it's fine. My 15yo has hers until 22.30 but I don't think 21.00 is that wild.

I think you just need to tell your children you do this because you care. Ds1 always needed more sleep than Ds2 but being off screens meant they read books or chatted together, played other games like chess or cards.

I think it is good to have a screen cut off time. The arguing would have me saying well clearly you can't self regulate because you are wanting more time and are going about it the wrong way. We did have a intervention no questions asked plan in place if either child felt it was all getting a bit too much.

I will say that with mine I did say that screen time would depend on them getting themselves out of bed in the morning and their attitude. They did chores without being asked, helped with things like unpacking supermarket shopping, putting things away so as long as they were helpful and pleasant then at weekends they were allowed a lot of screen time.

During the week when they had school there were limits in place because we had talked to them about the importance of school and not being overtired as it is harder to learn. They had their own bedtimes because they were good at taking themselves to bed when tired.

There were definitely friends of Ds1 who were snapchatting the group at 3am because Ds1's phone was in my room so I could see them coming in. Some of them admitted later on to setting an alarm to be up in the small hours and act all "cool."

That sounds perfectly fine to me. 10:30pm is late ish on the weekends to me, only because phones go away when we go to bed and I’m not always still up at 10:30pm!

It’s not a race to the bottom. Some of DD’s friends were up ringing her at 3am on a weeknight in Y6! Some parents are really shit and I wouldn’t judge what you do based on how crappily other parents may parent.

I agree. But I did that with mine in the first couple of years of senior schools when they were 11-13. By 14-16 they are old enough that (SN aside) that you can expect them to take more responsibility for themselves - generally.

The 16-year old certainly is very independent. He manages all of his own schoolwork and revision, and has done for years. He gets himself around London to play sport and meet friends. He takes himself off to bed at around 10.30pm and is out like a light. The times he does want to stay up late - so what? I really don’t feel it’s necessary for me to intervene at this point.

The 14 year old is more online but most of it is with his friends and he’s socialising. He generally doesn’t push it on school nights because he knows the next day will be painful, but if he’s tired on weekends then that’s for him to deal with. He still has to go to his fixtures and do his homework etc. I think he’ll get better with time at regulating. That’s what my older one did.

Yes, this is what I think too… Many many adults struggle to self regulate with screens, especially once the algorithm sweeps you in. I think the system we have now is working ok for eldest and youngest and she perhaps is suffering from FOMO.

I think she likely needs that limit. Maybe compromise and say it goes off at 9.30?
My now 18 yr old had limits at 14 and 15 because he needed them. He would spend hours plus he even got around them once by being sneaky. My current 15yr old has zero limits because he couldn’t care less about being online.

18 yr old hasn’t had limits since he started to self limit and then we removed them.

I only regulated my kids until about 13 and then

let them self regulated themselves.

DD3 is now 16 and was quite often in bed and asleep by 11 anyway, she still is.

why don’t you regulate in term time then let them self regulate themselves in the holidays, that’s a compromise.