Feeling stuck in a marriage where my husband shouts frequently

[OrchidRoseSunflower]

Husband shouts a lot and I feel stuck in this marriage. I'm a Christian and have dc with him.

I'm so unhappy but can't see a way out.

I feel like my dc would hate me for splitting up the family.

I guess I'm just posting on here because I feel like I'm limited with who I can talk to about this.

I need some ideas on how to not get drawn in to an argument which he likes to try to do. He'll then shout over me and say something like "oh I feel so sorry for dc- that they have to listen to this. Why do you always have to cause an argument?" Says this in front of dc to try to make me look bad.

All I'll have said is something like "please can you help me with x y or z"

Girl lifes too short for this. Christians can get divorced, and kids deserve to see a happy mum and a happy home x

First things first. Remain as calm as possible. Take a deep breath and remain silent a moment when he tries to turn something you said into an argument.

Calmy say, excuse me, what did you say? Do not get upset. Remain calm, repeat the question, or say back to him what he just said. This should calm him down.

If he continues trying to argue, tell him calmy you do not want to discuss anything while he is angry. Then leave the room immediately and stay away till everyone calms down. Do not get into a discussion. Do not tolerate this behavior. Remove yourself and the children from the situation.

In the meantime, download the free book by Lundy Bancroft, Why does He Do This ? This book is about abuse in marriage. Your spouse sounds abusive. Read this book, it will open your eyes.

I am sorry for you OP. You are not alone.

Thank you both

What do you think is stopping you?

Lack of money? Why? (ie no job, part time, disability).
Christian beliefs?

He's trying to provoke you, don't engage, remain silent. It's not a great way to live but I found it's the only way to stop things escalating. He's abusive and controlling especially when it involves the children.

My ex cheated years ago and decided to leave, which should have been a blessing. However I found out years' later he spent his time raging and ranting about me to our children, who were a captive audience, on the weekends he had them. I suspect my daughter's mental health issues which started in her teenage years are related to that.

I don't know how you win either way with this but attempting to keep the situation calm, even though its not your fault, is the only thing I found that helps.

You can’t fix what he has broken and will continually break. If you insist on belonging to a specific sect that forbids divorce or separation-and not all if them do—then go take classes in assertveness. You don’t have to be supine and take this treatment whatever your religion. There have always been bodacious fighters in Christian women. Be Joan ofArc not Mother teresa.

Kindly @OrchidRoseSunflower , is your religion more important to you than your happiness and welfare? Do you see it as your duty to endure his abuse? What has taught you that?

I'm not in any way judging, I was with my ex for 30 years because what I saw from my parents was what I thought a relationship should be. It was not a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form.

Learn the art of grey rock and look up Jefferson Fisher in how to take the wind out of arseholes' sails without there being any comeback on you. And if you can contact Women's Aid or a similar organisation safely I would highly recommend them. They will listen to what you tell them, they won't force you to leave but they will support you.

And keep posting if you are safe to do so and if it helps, here or in Relationships, there's always someone around who has been through similar and who understands

Doesn't always work with this type of abusive man. I'd always seen myself as a 'strong, independent woman'! However any sign of assertiveness and answering back, quietly and calmly, would result in him blowing up with rage frightening my daughter, who would run across the garden and curl up into a ball.

The only way to stop his rages and protect her was to not argue. It's very difficult (but not impossible) to argue with one's self.

Look I agree that this man is abusive and she will be better iff reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and leaving him but her stumbling block to acting is her specific version if christian ideology. She needs to find a way out of that trap mentally before the submissive retreat that you (wisely) advise can become a tactical strategy and not just a total submission to further abuse. If she continues down this submissive/avoidant oath her life and the children’s lives will be crushed. The biys will grow up to be hectoring bullies and the girls cringing handmaids. She has to want better before she gets better.

Thank you. I really do appreciate all these posts. Its very easy for me to feel alone in all this.

What would Jesus do? I’m a bit rusty on the bible but I seem to remember that he took a pretty dim view of child abuse (and what you’re describing is emotional abuse if you and the dc), and there were several examples where he took himself out of harm’s way from hostile crowds.

Are you in a situation where you expect backlash from fellow Christians if you leave your marriage?

What do you think will happen to the children if/when they separate? They'll be alone with him possibly every weekend, maybe even 50/50.

She won't be able to stop him seeing them, you can't stop even physically violent men seeing their dc, she's got no chance with verbal/emotional abuse.

When they're older the children can ask to stop seeing their abusive dad (as my son did when he was 13). Before that they're alone with a very angry shouty man in their formative years without their mum to protect them.

She'll have escaped the abuse but dropped her children right in the middle of it. It's too simplistic to say LTB, there is no easy answer.

Exactly this
you will not be punished for leaving an abusive man
you and your children deserve better

And for 50% of the week the dc will live alone in terror with an angry shouty man. But it's okay because mum escaped and she's happy now!

OrchidRoseSunflower I am a Christian too. What sort of church are you part of?

Please look into some sort of counselling where you can get your head together. If you do not wish to stay with him, you do not have to. You can speak to a solicitor about divorce and about what kind of contact your abusive husband could have with his children. If he is abusive to you, in front of them you can speak to the solicitor about this. The initial meeting is free in some cases.

You do not need to tell me anything at all but I am curious roughly how old the children are. do you have a supportive wider family?

Has he been physically abusive? Verbal is enough for you to want out.

Thinking of you.

My kids wouldn’t be with someone shorty and abusive for any percentage of the time!

it’s not a case of op leaving and being happy it’s so much more than this

Be very careful with any plans you make, searches online etc, cover your tracks if you do end up looking into leaving him.

@OrchidRoseSunflower which denomination are you

I am a bit confused by your comment on being Christian …. I am Orthodox (strictest of the 3 denominations ) and still abuse is not tolerated, you can leave

no way God would ask you to suffer through this, this is not how He works at all.

Is your DH a Christian? Do you have any assistance available to you from the church? Have you prayed about it and read the scripture for guidance?

Being a Christian does not mean we have to accept abuse from believers or non-believers. Mocking our faith, or ourselves as individuals, is not something we have to tolerate from others.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is, at best, misguided or, at worse, trying to misguide you with selfish intent.

It is okay to go to church elders with this type of thing for advice.

As a Christian you will see yourself as someone, who tries to treat others like you would like to be treated, with kindness and forgiveness. And that entering into a marriage included sacred vows.

This is why it is so doubly difficult for you to listen your intuition which is telling you that you deserve to be treated better than this, that being belittled and blamed is a miserable place to live.

What type of person leaves their husband?
Is it possible to be a kind and forgiving person and also take action to free yourself from such a bleak future. Can both co-exist? Yes they can.

You have not broken the relationship- he has with his actions. And if someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, you can metaphorically shake the dust off your shoes and move on.

It will not be easy, it will take courage but if this what you choose, you can move forward without guilt and you can choose to treat yourself with loving kindness. You don’t have to just put up with his treatment.

How would you stop him having them? Because the courts allow access even when there's strong evidence of abuse. That's the reality. It's a fantasy that once he leaves it's problem solved. The only way it would solve the problem if they separate is if he walks away voluntarily and chooses not to see the dc. Posturing and saying "My kids wouldn't..." doesn't cut it in real life when there's courts involved.

Domestic Violence about Power and Control over Victim

Hi OP, the above is a link from the Greek Orthodox church re: abuse and divorce and the churches stance and their comments below:

Domestic violence is about power and control. It is not about being out of control or losing control. It is a systematic pattern of coercive behaviors intended to punish, gain and maintain control of the victim. It frequently begins so subtly that victims may not realize what is happening.

For all intent and purposes, the husband, by choosing to engage in abusive behaviors and choosing not to stop, has already ended the life of the marriage.

https://www.goarch.org/documents/32058/5478358/Domestic+Violence+Manual/bc0cc510-f51b-430a-b920-6b8b7e916472

Hi again, OP,

Page 9 on this link confirms that your husband is abusing you as follows:

USING CHILDREN: Criticizing, making disparaging comments about their mother directly to the children or to others in front of the children; putting children in the middle of the fights between him and his partner; telling children that their mother doesn’t really love them; using the children to relay messages; threatening to kidnap or take the children out of state or out of the country; threatening a custody battle; harassing her during visitations; threatening to report her to the authorities for allegedly abusing the children.

I hope this relieves you of any doubt, if you had any, that you are obliged to stay in this marriage and whether or not you are being abused.

You can leave, if that's what you wish to do and you are being abused.

If it you are able and it is safe to do so, please read as the link also includes relevant bible scriptures, teachings, abuse hotlines, clergy responsibilities etc should you find these helpful.

What you wish to do about it, if anything, is another issue. Others will have advice re: legal recourse, assistance etc, I'm sure.

Angry and shouty men tend not to want to cook and do laundry or school runs for their offspring. They tend to be angry and shouty because their freedom and money is curtailed by said offspring. Angry men might try and go to court for access but once awarded they tend not to bother. Going to court is punishing the OP, actually having their offspring is punishing angry man.

In short, the risk to the children is higher if she stayed than left.

Get rid of him now.