DD Friendship Issues

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My 12 year old DD was in tears yesterday, she found out four of her friends had a sleepover then the next day went off shopping. She then tried to make plans with them for today but after she misread a message one of them posted, it ended up with a couple of them turning on her and being quite nasty.

Dd has told me that there has been a few times she has messaged the group to see if anyone wants to meet up and there's either no response or a 'no' from them, yet if someone else asks later that day then there are more positive responses.

She starts high school soon and I've told her that she should find her people soon but it's really hard on her and I've been feeling very down about it all today.

Anyone have any words of wisdom or positive stories?

That’s really sad for your poor dd. With social media etc I expect she found out through that. Are there any other girls she likes in the class , it sounds as though this group have been actively leaving her out. I have a dd in high school so we’ve been subject to this kind of behaviour on occasion. Often but not always there will be a ring leader who controls who goes to the sleepover or social occasion and the others daren’t question it for fear of them being excluded next time.
High school will certainly give her opportunities to widen her friendship circles . Nasty girls don’t change and you don’t want her confidence eroding because of it.
It’s often said on here, but having clubs or hobbies outside of school can be a lifesaver . Also , when she does go to high school, remaining in touch with any girls she does like who may go to other schools which will mean if any problems , that she can get away from the school crowd. It’s hard work having teenage, or almost teenage girls. Many are mean.

Aw sorry to hear this, your poor DD. I know it’s hard, but try not to let her see that you’re very upset by it too. You can affirm her feelings by saying it’s not very nice to leave her out, as well as them not being responsive to her messages. It builds up a picture of a group that’s not being very nice to her and I would want to steer her to other friends.

I agree it’s good to focus on a fresh start in high school and in the meantime, are there other girls at school she can mix with more? Any extra curriculars she can get involved in?

I think it’s a good lesson in not chasing after people who don’t treat you with the same level of respect or value a friendship as much as you do. Wishing her well.

I'd encourage her to step back and accept these people are not treating her like friends.

Can you facilitate any other friendships or take her to clubs instead?

Sounds like she is better to distance herself from the group. If there is anyone she likes better she could maybe try to just meet up with that person outside of the group?

Otherwise I'd suggest trying to form different friendships through different clubs etc, and definitely be open to new opportunities when she moves schools.

Hi thanks for the replies I really appreciate them. She does a club involving competitions with one of these girls and I noticed that DD wasn't hanging about with her quite as much during the last competition day and spent more time with another girl. I'm going to try and encourage that friendship over the summer.

High school offers a lot of extra curriculars so im hoping she finds new friends through that. Only one of these girls is in her new high school class but thankfully not one of the nastier ones.

Update:
DD went into school the next day and everything seemed OK with the other girls however, she had the same issue yesterday in that she asked if anyone was free to go out and no reply, then a couple of hours later she finds out they're all hanging out together.

She left the group chat as its obvious they've set up another one that she's not part of. A couple of the girls have since messaged asking why she left but she's not replied yet.

Wednesday is the school leaver dance and she's supposed to be going over to the house of one of these girls, along with several others from this group, to get have dinner, get ready and then walk to school but she's now not sure if she wants to do that and she's talking about not going at all now. I'm not sure how best to advise her on this, anyone have any words of wisdom?

Good for her for leaving the group chat, it shows them that she sees what is going on and can stand up for herself.
I would encourage her to step right away and I would plan lots of things to keep her busy with family / family friends until she can reestablish herself in a new group.
So I think she is right not to go to the school leaver dance with them. If she has an alternative option to go with, better to do that.
It seems like she is someone who is confident and proactive - taking the initiative to meet etc. so better to extricate herself from this situation asap before it starts to erode her confidence.

Thanks I really appreciate your reply. I'm going to wait until tomorrow to see what her thoughts are. I'd prefer her not to go with these girls and have spoken to her about what she wants to do, but she wants to wait and see what happens at school tomorrow.

We're in Scotland so only two weeks of school left here thankfully, although I worry about her sitting on her own for the majority of the summer. It also pisses me off that they're probably going to be off meeting up most days on the holidays without a care in the world.

I'm feeling like high school can't happen fast enough so she makes some new friends and can move on.

I would also contact the High School and ask to speak to next years head of year or pastoral lead. Explain the situation and see if they can put her in a form with this in mind.
My dc's secondary always has 1-2 forms that are slightly smaller than others and have children who might need a little more watching and make sure there are no children in whose primary school has given any potential issues. It doesn't always work, but it can be a good fresh start for a child who's been having issues.

Thanks for the reply. Her form has already been set and she's had transition days in the new form. There are only three other people from her primary class in it, one of whom is from the group but she's one of the less problematic ones. So lots of new people to potentially become friends with (fingers crossed)