I’m so down and I don’t know what to do about it

[Thewayimfeeling]

I’ve never felt depression like this and it is scaring me because I don’t know when it will change.

I could go heavily into it but I’d be typing for a long time so I won’t bore you.

What it comes down to is that have 3 young children, 2 of whom are driving me insane. I feel like I am just mum and that’s all. My body is a stretch mark covered, saggy mess and I don’t look good in any of my clothes. Nice clothes are so bloody expensive and I don’t really have £500-£1000 to spend on a whole new wardrobe. I don’t get much help with the kids and never ever get a proper break or any sort. I am married but husband is at work majority of the time and even though we get on well, I have accepted and allow him to show me no affection or appreciation and this gets me down. I don’t feel special - ever. Talking to him about it isn’t worth it.

For the first time I have been experiencing those kind of thoughts, I am 99.9% sure I would never actually go through with anything or hurt myself but the thoughts are there and I don’t know how to take that.

I feel lonely, I feel like I have massively let myself down in many ways. I snap constantly at the kids. DH provides financially but he is very tight with money so I have secret debt (small debt) because I cant be bothered to justify certain spending.

I feel like my life is one stressful, overwhelming situation where I’m lonely, sad, unmotivated and bored. To top things off I seem to have lost social skills and my ability to make small talk is quite frankly a bloody embarrassment.

Actually to completely contradict the above, I have random spurts of motivation throughout the day where I plan in my head a big ‘glow up’, I look at childcare options/holidays, I book (and cancel) gym classes. But then I end up feeling this intense sadness and exhaustion again.

I’m dreading tomorrow (a rainy day just me and the kids). I have no energy left in me.

First of all, how brave of you to post this! The first step in any recovery from depression is talking about it, calling it what it is etc. Then you understand its not “just you” but a proper medical condition that needs treatment.

First step - see your GP. Don’t deter yourself by thinking they won’t understand, will just give you pills etc. Just do it
Second step - Tell your DH. Explain you are not expecting him to fix it - you are just informing him.
Third step - Tell any friends or family. Like you would if you’ve broken your leg. “ Im not well, Im seeing my GP but I might need your help”

Taking action always makes you feel better x

Your self esteem sounds very low.

There are a couple of worrying things you say about your marriage.

You say DH provides financially but he is very tight with money so I have secret debt (small debt) because I cant be bothered to justify certain spending.
How does being tight with money manifest itself? It certainly sounds as though he could be financially abusing you.

You say I have accepted and allow him to show me no I have accepted and allow him to show me no affection or appreciation and this gets me down. I don’t feel special - ever. Talking to him about it isn’t worth it.
Why is it not worth it OP? Surely if he is your H you are entitled to expect affection from him? Why can't you talk to him about this.

What share of parenting does your H do? He should do enough to at least allow you to have some spare time away from the children and be just you.

@AnonymityAnonymity my self esteem is non existent and I think it generally comes down to the fact that my husband rarely compliments me, randomly cuddles me etc. We are close for sex but essentially that is it.. there is no general affection (which I need). He never does little things ie buying flowers, mothers day cards etc. I simply do not feel special or appreciated the majority of the time.

If I try to talk to him about it he says he isn’t an affectionate sort of person, he works long hours, stressed from work etc and says that cards are a waste of money - he is working hard to buy us a house so why am I upset over lack of cards/flowers etc. He basically shuts it down and thinks I’m nagging or trying to start an argument.

He is good with our kids when he is here but doesn’t appreciate being left alone wwith them for longer than an hour or so… so not long enough for me to meet with a friend or do something for me. He finds it stressful. He also works 6 days a week so I can understand on his only day off he’d rather not have to solo parent - but it’s a lot on me.

Oh OP sending hugs. It's not a you problem - you're doing amazingly. It sounds like a difficult situation at home where kids+careers+trying to find a balance is just hard. Full stop. How old are your children? I think speaking to the GP, like a PP said, is a good idea. They may recommend some talking therapy which in itself might help you feel less alone.

my practical suggestion - starting tomorrow - would be have a think about 1 thing you could do for yourself in the day - or when the kids have gone to bed - that would make you feel a bit brighter... it might be taking 10 mins whilst the kids watch tv to paint your nails or simply sit with a cup of tea or research a new hairdresser for your next appt or whatever... just something different. for you.

can you plan things with the kids like doing some meal prep together, trying some new foods or anything that might feel like you're doing something 'good' health wise for you all? I know I always feel better if I feel like I have a few small actions in place.

im not sure what I'd suggest about the hubby. I'd tell him how you feel, sure, but don't rely on him to 'fix' anything.

sending hugs again. You're not alone.

xx

I feel like you need to work on your confidence and what would help with that is having a purpose outside of the home, ie part time work. That will also help you gain financial independence, particularly for the future

No advice, just solidarity as your thread title summed up exactly how I'm feeling and so did this: I feel like my life is one stressful, overwhelming situation where I’m lonely, sad, unmotivated and bored. To top things off I seem to have lost social skills and my ability to make small talk is quite frankly a bloody embarrassment.

My underlying problems are very different - elderly, unwell parents and juggling this with a stressful job - but just wanted to offer solidarity.

Did you work before kids OP? Would it be possible for you to get a job that would cover the cost of childcare, even if you were only breaking even?

Raising kids can be very challenging at the best of times, OP. There were times that I seriously questioned my sanity.

My DH was similar with money - so in sheer frustration at his lack of help, I started an OU degree online and got a part time job working two evenings and one day at the weekend to fund it and give me some spending money. He was furious but I said he left me with no choice and that the family allowance didn't pay for haircuts, clothes, shoes, school trips.... the kids were equally furious being left with him and there were times that I nearly gave in and stopped working but I'm so glad I didn't.

A card cost a couple of £s OP. Perhaps you should point out to him that is not a waste of money if it makes your wife feel remembered and special. He sounds actually very cruel if he can't understand a person's natural desire to feel they are a little bit special on occasions such as Mother's Day.

It doesn't seem as though you are a partnership OP. I'm sure if your relationship was more one of equals rather than it all being on his terms it would really help your self esteem.

I do think you should think again about gym classes or starting some form of exercise . That would make you feel better about your body and exercise really does mentally lift your spirits.
I'm really sorry you are feeling so low.

and never ever get a proper break or any sort

I think this needs to be sorted.

I used to go away on my own for 3 days at a time, every about 9 months, throughout when the children were young.

Is there anyone who can step in and help with childcare during the 3 days?

Sorry, posted too soon, but the finances are the most urgent and worrying part of this for me. Don’t worry about your weight, appearance etc. Your most urgent problem is that you are raising three young children alone and financially are utterly dependent on someone who (best case scenario) is unsympathetic and worst case scenario is unkind and controlling. If you can get a job, any job - even part-time, evenings, a weekend day, whatever… it will give a few more options to buy time for yourself.

I appreciate that given what you’ve said about your mood, this probably sounds exhausting and unachievable but I don’t believe there is anything more exhausting and soul destroying than raising three small children alone with an unsupportive partner.

Do you work OP? Or does he like having you totally dependent on him so he can call the shots?

This.

I went through a very low period when my two were small (1and3 at the time). I found it massively helped to do something with my brain. I started doing online paid surveys, matched betting, and learned a new piece of software that allowed me to start a design portfolio (I work in landscaping).

Having money coming in, even though it was only £50-£100 per month was amazing. Feeling like I was progressing and learning was amazing.

I used the portfolio to get a part time job in school hours which then allowed me to go freelance for the last few years. Now the kids are both in school, I just started taekwondo to improve my fitness and am writing a book. It gets better!

If you want to tell someone something that you find difficult, you don't have to look them in the eye. You can look at the skirting board and still keep talking. I'm sure that one counsellor sat side by side with her clients when she first met them and moved the chairs further round as time went by. So if you decide to speak to your husband, just remember that. I think I've read it in a book, too, and I certainly have done that myself when I had to say something difficult.

You can tell him that an old biddy on Mumsnet says that if more men kissed more women more often, in an affectionate way, without expecting it to go any further, there'd be more happy marriages in the world. It wouldn't take long and it's cheaper than a card. I know that sounds a bit flippant but I do believe it.