How long did your toddler take to adjust to a new baby?

[feelingmywaythrough]

Looking for some advice and sense
of when this season might end. I am really struggling with my 25mo toddler, who is taking the adjustment of my new baby (6days old) hard. She is pushing back on everything. Everything. She has never been one for whom choices work – she finds them overwhelming – so that doesn’t help. Various anxieties are coming to the fore (scared of pooing, of taking nappy off, of doorbell, of sitting down in the bath). She has always been an excellent sleeper but this morning she woke up at 4am screaming, then didn’t go back to sleep.

She is in nursery full time so there isn’t much time for 1:1 but we do do drop-off /pick up without the baby. I always make sure I greet her without the baby when she gets home and we don’t talk about him or particularly acknowledge him. Unless he needs feeding he pretty much gets ignored in the hours before and after nursery. I am trying to do the right things (eg saying ‘baby, toddler needs me now’). We read the ‘big sister’ books and we bought lots of presents.

She is quite anti-me at the moment, which I am not offended by at all – I get it – but I do find it incredibly hard that her rejection of me means I can’t help her. She won’t let me put her to bed. If I try to involve her in anything to do with the baby she says no (nappy change, getting a muslin etc). She won’t let me read to her. When she’s crying she just tantrums rather than needing comfort. I know it’s very very early days (and my baby blues are probably peaking) but I feel so sad for her. She is still so little really, at 25mo, that I feel that conversations about ‘big feelings’ won’t land with any real meaning.

I know we will have to just ride it out to an extent and this too shall pass etc etc but if there is anything I’m not thinking of I’d be grateful to hear. I’d also love to know how long it took other toddlers to adjust.

I’m afraid I have no advice but on your other question of how long it took
My 3year old ds took no time to adjust to his twin siblings. He arrived in the hospital to meet them and sat on the bed with one on his lap

Sorry your dd is struggling
Not all children are the same
Perhaps it’s because he was a year older 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations on your new baby OP! I’m sorry that you daughter is finding the adjustment tough.

My eldest was 24m old when his sister was born. He went a bit mad for about four weeks (he was very chilled as a toddler and started having tantrums), and then returned to his usual self.

Little sister was 22m old when youngest baby was born, and she reacted very differently. Much more of a slow burn - was fine initially but then gradually took against the baby when I think she realised it was a permanent change. So, overall, a less dramatic reaction but she took much longer to process and deal with it.

Same parenting, similar ages, totally different behaviour! It sounds like your daughter might be behaving more like my eldest, so hopefully it’s over quickly for you too.

It probably won’t help how you’re feeling now, but I’m a couple of years down the line and I’m so pleased about the 2y age gaps. They are all the best of friends and I think they barely remember being the youngest before a new baby arrived.

gap between dc1 and dc2 was 32 months. He adapted great - no issues.

dc2 to dc3 gap was 22 months. She went off me quite a bit as I couldn’t pick up heavily pregnant and after surgery. She favoured dad from that day on and it’s never really recovered :(

in terms of each other - they’ve all never been jealous and all been loving every day since new baby arrived

Not quite the same as mine were a bit younger with a smaller gap. Dd was 13 months when Ds was born. She ignored him as if he were a doll for about six months. Then she started hitting and biting him whenever she could. Once he got more interactive and crawling etc he was more interesting to her and she really started to love him. Both now nearly three and nearly two and get along quite well (still lots of hitting and biting each other but it’s a more even playing field).

I think there is a lot of luck/un-fightable personality factors with how an older child responds to a new one. I can't say we had a similar response as our daughter (27m at the time) was generally quite excited about being a big sister and was keen to be involved. She wasn't potty trained but we struggled at night because that has always been the only time she wanted me rather than her dad.

She did have some very emotional moments and at one point I did ask 'is it sometimes difficult being a big sister?' and she said yes. I don't know if they think of it like that or realise they're allowed to say that kind of thing.

We also heaped praise on her for any positive interaction with the baby and tried to limit telling her to be careful/gentle etc, and told her how much the baby loved her.

Hopefully things improve for you soon but don't blame yourself if they don't!

Yes it took mine time to adjust and she regressed with sleeping, wanting her dummy and wanting the pushchair and meal times became more tricky. I would say once the baby was in more of a routine then she settled better as well and knew that she would get time with just me when the baby napped.

@Hugsbugs it does sounds like she’s a bit like your eldest. Here’s hoping we weather the storm in in next month!

Thanks to everyone who replied. Her age is of course a huge factor, as is the fact that she has a brilliant but BIG personality. And while she is a good communicator, she’s far from being able to articulate her feelings. It seems like riding it out is the only way forward – as is so often the case with these tiny people!

My dd refused to acknowledge the twins (the audacity that there were 2 and both boys when she specifically said she wanted A sister)

She collectively refered to them as "the brothers" for 18 months and had no interest in them at all....

Then they became mobile and willing to do anything she said, she very much enjoyed have minions and didn't get her own snacks or drinks for years.