Struggling with parenting - help?

[Havingaroughgo]

I’m having a very difficult time with parenting right now. I’m lucky to have a very wonderful DH but goodness I’m really struggling. I adore my DC and they are thankfully healthy but they are so much work right now. We’ve got a 3 yo and 7 yo, 7 yo talks back, argues, doesn’t listen; 3 yo is sweet but loads of big feelings and gets SO stroppy when she’s tired/hungry. Their behaviour is also way worse with me than with their father.

I’ve read showing their worst behaviour and letting loose in front of me means I’m their safe space but bloody hell im knackered and wish people would stop hitting me. I’ve definitely raised my voice and been
more shouty than I’d like of late.

I’m feeling like I made a wrong decision in becoming a parent and I’m just not a very patient person. Is this a phase? A sort of depression? Anyone else who can relate? I feel like most of my friends say things just get easier but I seem to be experiencing the opposite. How do I get through this?

Somewhat recognisable!

For our 3 year old this means we ask if she is hungry when she becomes (unreasonably) irritated. And we take food (fruit, crackers, water) when leaving the house...
We also acknowledge feelings when appropriate or use jokes when needed (when she accidentally stubs her toe against the cupboard she will claim that the cupboard hit her... time for us to make a joke...)

For the eldest: clear expectations, make sure your DH backs you up/make sure you are in agreement on major issues. You might come up with some house rules, if the discussions often revolve around the same things?

How to talk so little kids will listen is a helpful book. They also have one for slightly older kids (which I haven't read yet).

I came across the 5 second rule which works like a charm for any age. I even apply it to myself. Basically what needs doing gets done within 5 secs of being asked. Count down. If nothing, do not repeat yourself, you firmly make them do it. Keep at this and in 2 weeks they're changed! Give it a try anyhow. The theory is that 5 secs is too fast for the brain to start procrastinating....

Make sure you have zero tolerance for hitters. Nothing wrong with a bit of shouting. Remember you're in charge, not them.

Is the father firmer? Could you leave them with him more?

Thank you, I try not to be cross with them but the 3 yo is like a banshee sometimes, and 7 yo still has big tantrums. He was pestering his sister today, poking her and shoving his face in her face, she said no, stop, leave me alone, and I asked him to stop but he just kept going. I told him if you don’t stop when I count to three you lose your Lego until after tea. I asked, do you understand, and he said yes. He stopped for all of two minutes before he pestered her again, then smacked her on the knee and I called him up on it, said that’s it, no Lego until after tea. He was so angry, screaming, hit me, kicked me. I stayed calm and didn’t raise my voice but it really hurt. He’s not usually that physical with me but recently received a new Lego set (second hand from a cousin) and was quite keen to build it. So he was in a proper tantrum. I thought we might get the police called! DH was WFH today and able to calm him down eventually (after literally 30+ minutes) but it was exhausting. I find it so hard to just put on a cheerful face afterwards and be the mum I need to be, because really I’m quite cross inside. And by the end of the evening I’m just exhausted. Not to mention 3 yo no longer naps and is just a mess by the end of the day, if I don’t have her in bed on time she’s a raging banshee.

I find it so hard to just put on a cheerful face afterwards and be the mum I need to be, because really I’m quite cross inside.

This bothers me. You don't need to put on a happy face if you're cross. In fact, you're giving the wrong signals to your child. If he's behaving this badly, you need to show him your scary side. He needs to know it exists.

You're not Cinderella!

Kids feel safer when they know someone is in charge. Maybe he's screaming for some proper boundaries? They'll rage at first, but once they realise you've acted firmly but fairly, they turn into the sweetest, angelic things 10mins later!