bf doesn’t remember birthdays

[Lilaclane]

Hello. Curious on opinions.

ive been dating a 40 year old man casually for nearly a year. I’m 35, both have kids and don’t want more if that’s relevant.

we've just come back from a weekend away and i was surprised that he didn’t remember his mother’s birthday. Or the fact my birthday is two days before his (I told him this on an early date). This came up as we were talking about his daughter’s upcoming bday party - she turns 7 next week.

aibu to think this is slightly odd, or am I off base here? This is my first, admittedly casual relationship since my last big break up. Ex was very good with occasions so this struck me as odd or is it typical of a man?

thoughts welcome! Wouldn’t say it’s given me the ick but definitely given me pause.

Sounds like he’s thoughtless about every woman in his life - mum, daughter and you

Not remembering is a choice, if he cared he could use the calender on his phone in less than 5 seconds.

I think some people are just terrible with remembering dates

I'm 34 years old and my older sister still forgets when my birthday is ( not just mine, she forgets everyone's)

I am absolutely terrible with dates. My husband is great, he reminds me! I put reminders in my phone, but have to admit I have been a bit late sending cards sometimes as I see it, then forget to buy a card. I think I need to start putting in more reminders, or just leave it to my husband to sort out!!

I'd be forgetting his birthday too in future 😔

No excuse nowadays.

My dh is terrible at remembering birthdays. He wouldn’t remember his mother’s or father’s birthdays.

I would say it not that unusual. If he has been married his wife probably ended up taking control of this- I'm not saying it's right. It easy to put reminders on a phone.

Considering how easy it is to set up a reminder on a smart phone, there's really no excuse for being an inconsiderate oaf these days. Even before phones, we had these wonderful little things called diaries and calendars. No one needs to remember birthdays and other important dates! I quite simply wouldn't put up with it and he'd be an ex-bf pretty quickly. It just shows that things like that aren't important to him, his mother isn't important, and almost certainly you won't be important to him either as he's bound to forget your birthday and when the time comes, your anniversary. You can see it coming a mile off. Being busy or whatever other pathetic excuse he can come up isn't valid - like I say, there's diaries, calendars, mobile phones, even post-it notes that are very easy ways and he really doesn't need to "remember" at all. You can guarantee, though, that he will remember things that are important to him, like which footie team won the FA cup in 2020, or when his team last went to Wembley, or which pubs sell his favourite draft beer! Funny that!

Does he expect others to remember his birthday? The answer to that would inform my decision.

I don't think I'd expect someone to remember my birthday in a casual relationship. And I don't think not remembering his mum's is any kind of red flag for the same reason - it won't really matter to you?

What excuse did I say/use 🤔

He really doesn't need an excuse to not remember the birthday of someone he is seeing casually! She isn't his girlfriend!

interesting replies. When I say casual I mean not moving towards living together. Still monogamous. Still together enough to go away etc. Can’t say I agree that you wouldn’t make an effort for someone who you’ve known intimately for nearly a year.

I think this is where I’m hovering!

I was friends through voluntary with DH for a few months before we formally got together and started dated. I casually mentioned my birthday a few months beforehand, as it was the same as a date that cropped up whilst discussing something else work related. He surprised me by sending me a card and flowers on my birthday, and that was before we'd even had a single date , basically whilst we were still at "friendship" stage! (Though the card and flowers helped moved things along!!).

But he clearly hasn’t forgotten his daughters birthday.

Does his family make a big deal of birthdays? I could easily forget my dad's and brother's as they don't do anything about them. My mum's less so as she actively likes hers and likes some celebration.

I remember my parent’s and children, but everyone else is a mystery.

And I never ever expect anyone to remember mine. Even a casual guy. If I wanted him to do something I’d honestly say ‘it’s my birthday next week, can you…take me for a meal (or whatever)’.

I’ve had casual aquantainces do way more for me than this chap. Time to reevaluate methinks.

She’s 7 and an only child - so I’d bloomin hope not

You were responding to someone saying he is thoughtless about every woman in his life - mother, daughter and you. But you just agreed with their comment instead of pointing out it’s not true as you had already said he was talking about his daughter’s birthday next week.

So what happened on your birthday?

i consider a child to be different to a fully fledged woman and agree with the gist of what the poster said. I will be following the advice of your username :-p

👍