How do you handle a low effort and draining MIL?

[WhoaNellie]

I was reading an article about 'low effort' families and how their lack of curiosity or interest in your life i.e. success, failures, day to day is toxic because they thrive on superficial conversation which is transactional in nature.

According to what I read, this is normally guided and controlled by the most senior member of a family and others just tend to follow suit.

This reminds me of my MIL. She never asks me about work, my day to day, how I feel, what I'm thinking but expects me to do it for her. When I blank her for months, because I see no reason to open up a discussion that inevitably becomes toxic i.e. all about her, she complains that no one talks to her.

So, because I feel guilty because she's older and has weird ideas about communication and relationships which I assume are as a result of some sort of past trauma, I go out of my way to check in. But, every single time, she acts like she's too busy to talk, when the conversation moves away from her and then the cycle starts again.

Does anyone else know someone like this? Would you view them as toxic? Damaged? Lost cause? In need of sympathy or compassion?

I find I am just exhausted with the effort of this relationship and I have pretty much congratulated myself for finally unlinking myself from a tangled web of what this article states is "emotional abuse" but I just have this niggling feeling that I should do more for someone who hasn't had an easy life or doesn't have the emotional/intellectual capacity for introspection but still has feelings.

My dearly-loved and much-missed DM did become a bit like this. Her world had shrunk, and kind of turned inwards on itself a bit. Most of what she wanted to talk about was either herself, her group of elderly friends, her friends' health problems, her friends' grandchildren, and random people I'd never heard of who'd died.

We didn't tell her much about ourselves at all really, because you could literally see her lose interest as you were talking.

I can imagine your MIL feels unable to talk to you. For fear of being judged in some way. I would avoid reading up articles that seek to label people and pigeon hole them in some way.
Like many families in the UK some see their grandchildren on a weekly basis, know their routines and interests. Conversation is not forced. But just natural. Because of the day to day. Nothing to do with high effort. Just frequency of being together.
When you don’t conversation may seem a bit stilted. But if set around a family event should relax.
Lighten up would be my advice. What you are not expecting is a relationship that is unlikely to be possible.
They will love their family. But are set in their ways. They quite possibly are a bit worn out. My parents when they reached a certain age did not know about their grandchildren as much as their parents did. Which is how it should be. Grandparents are not the same as parents. And if they have several grandchildren they would spend all their time trying to keep up to date with all of them if that was a requirement.
My parents used to sleep far more during the day as their years advanced. So liked their routine and were not able to be so spontaneous.
Those who are heading to middle age now or who are at it will soon find they have reached the world where everyone calls you old before they realise it.
And wonder if you have dementia. Or are a selfish grandparent who doesn’t know everything about all their grandchildren.

This all makes sense except she's always been this way but is more unapologetic about it as she gets older.

When she turned 60, she told me she'd do as she wanted to do and as she pleased because she earned it with age.

Since then, she's been caustic, overt, offensive, difficult etc and moreso each time we see her. For example, she berated my SIL for not being married to her son on Christmas Day.

They have been together for 20 years and not being married is a mutual decision. She also called her son obese on his birthday as he was having his birthday cake sliced and this was after asking me if I thought she should address his weight with him. I said, of course you should if it's out of concern, tactfully, but maybe not on his birthday!

But, anyway, I don't want to dismiss her as 'old' and just make assumptions hence why I keep talking to her even though she's mean. It just helps to get others views to assist with action or inaction depending on what is good for her but also for me.

We didn't tell her much about ourselves at all really, because you could literally see her lose interest as you were talking.

Yes, we experience the same.

My DM is very similar OP, and has definitely worsened over the last decade or so. She speaks at me, and overtalks if I even try and offer anything. She tends to make conversation about herself too. Like your MIL, she spends a lot of time alone.

I read a study recently that suggests that older people lose cognitive empathy as they age, which I’ve found helpful to keep in mind.

I think she manipulates my husband massively. On the other hand, she can be thoughtful. It’s a double edged sword.

Ha. I think if I'd have met you, you could have put my world right with our twin MILs. I give her so much benefit of the doubt, due to her age (and the nice and thoughtful things she does which contradicts the way she acts and what she says to me and others), which is why I'm so conflicted even though I know this has been a pattern of behaviour since I've known her and I first met her in 2001!

I just feel loyalty to her because she's the mother of my DH, the grandmother of my DC, was at one time a good friend and now things are so different. I just don't want to abandon her if she doesn't want to be abandoned but doesn't know how to keep things together. That's all, I guess.

Thank you so much. I have backed off, immensely. It's just that I saw her last weekend and she told me she was lonely and then said she doesn't talk to me because she knows we're busy but I'm the one reaching out to her and she shoos me away! So, I just don't know if I'm coming or going, sometimes!

I don't owe her anything, I guess, but compassion for a fellow human being.

Something for me to think about, thank you so much.

I think of people as being like mystery appliances with missing user manuals. I might have been expecting a kettle, but if it turns out to be a toaster, it suddenly makes sense why it didn’t boil water, and goes pop every so often.

The point is that once I figure out what someone is like, I drop my expectations that they will do anything else. And then, it’s just a matter of working out how much energy they take, how much energy I have to give, and where their needs rank in my priorities.

I think you’re wasting a lot of energy focusing on what your mil is/isn’t doing, but she’s not a kettle like you are. She isn’t going to change and thinking she should, only annoys you. Once you can accept people as they are, they are a lot less energy draining.

She will still be an energy drain, because she isn’t filling you up like other people do, and with people like that (who you still want to see) it’s best to do so when you have energy to spare. Don’t go when you’re low or stressed yourself.

Thank you so much. This sounds exactly like what is going on.

My mum is like this. Always goes on about my niece who I've met about 5 times. She's 17. I'm very low contact with my brother, So she's like a stranger to me. I try and fake interest but she's seeing through it now. I've told her she's practically a stranger. I bet she doesn't wax lyrical about my children to them. Never asks about my children. She's very hard work 😔

I'd be interested to read the article of you could signpost to it please?

@JG24 sure! there are many if you search 'low effort relationships' because they will focus on different relationships i.e. friends, partners etc but here is one example: www.centreofexcellence.com/9-signs-of-a-low-effort-partner/

Thanks so much. This is the exact advice I gave my DC who is having problems at work with a manager and your post made me see I don't take my own advice! I admit that an MIL and a manager are different relationship dynamics, our history is different etc, but there are similar fundamentals to human interaction, nonetheless.

Plan ahead and have a chat with your DH about the future. Explain you cannot be her carer. It isn’t for everyone and don’t feel remotely guilty about that either.
Have a plan to put in place if she shows signs of dementia.

Being blunt with children I think parents sometimes consider their right regardless of the age of their child. And she may well have spoken about diet and food in front of others and to her son in years before in ways that by today’s standards would seem harsh.

You will need more than that I think to refer for a dementia test though.

But explain now to your DH. So there are no surprises. Caring for mum was a hat others in the family and even family friends were hoping I could be ‘persuaded’ to put on my head. Cheap option. One even had the cheek to phone up and suggested it was my responsibility to move mum in with me.
Get it clear early on. And have a plan in place.