What present can I get for a my (very tricky) mum’s 80th?

[LaurenciaLamb]

I’m not very close to my mum but I’m an only child so I need to try and make it nice for her. She wasn’t very nice to me growing up and I left home at 18. I live locally and see her most weeks.

I have arranged 2 lunches out - one with my very small family and one with her 3 friends. I imagine I will be paying for these. I will also get flowers and a cake. I have bought a couple of small things to open (booze!) but I need to get her a present. However she has no interests / hobbies. She has never been on the Internet and doesn’t want to learn. She has an old mobile phone for emergencies only - no interest in anything technology related. She doesn’t even text her grandkids. She watches a lot of TV. She lives rurally and doesn’t drive any more. She has high blood pressure so no treats (I have already bought booze and ordered a cake so I will be in trouble) and an old foot injury which means she doesn’t like to walk very far. She doesn’t like gardening. She basically watches TV all day.

At the start of Covid I bought her some DVDs but they are still in the wrapper. She literally has no interest in anything. (I think she’s depressed but that’s a whole other thread). She has been single since my dad left her over 30 years ago.

Friends have bought their mums weekends away, theatre tickets, iPads, etc. But I am really stuck!

She keeps saying she doesn’t want anything.

Thank you for reading!

Flowers. Really nice slippers with good grips and decent heel support so she’s less likely to fall over them. Heated throw?

Dont expect gratitude (I’m sure you’re used to that).

I wouldn't get her anything, it sounds like you've done plenty already , but if you feel like you must...something she can use while watching the TV?

Cosy blanket
Posh slippers
Foot spa
Massage thing for her chair
Adult colouring in/activity books
Something sentimental...a photo album of her through her life?

Does she read?

Thanks but I’m an only child so not sure about this. Maybe one of my 2 DCs.

I bought her a heated throw for Christmas. I’ve never seen it since!

Sensible slippers is a good idea. Thank you.

Hand cream? Roger et Gallet soap? Does she wear scent? Summer dressing gown? Cashmere wrap? Although I wouldn’t necessarily bother if I were you as doesn’t sound like she’s done anything to deserve your continued presence in her life.

i have given flowers before just because they are enjoyable to buy, then if they aren’t well received at least you had some pleasure out of them.

I don't understand. She's already getting 5 gifts from you

1. Meal out with family

2.meal out friends 3.cake 4.flowers 5.A quantity of alcohol

How much do you usually spend on gifts?!

I think your problem lays in your 1st paragraph. There's no need for you to feel her guilt though

Subscription to the Radio Times in print version?

Thanks for this. I think you’ve nailed it by using the word “sentimental”. She doesn’t have a sentimental bone in her body. Thank you for helping me work this out.

Nice toiletries?

Maybe take her to a play or theatre show that's related to something she's seen on TV, eg Kinky Boots currently starring Johannes from Strictly, or Mamma Mia, or get tickets for recording of a show that she likes. Obviously that's location and travel dependent ( how rural is rural?).
Or maybe to a NT place, some of them have `trains' or mobility vehilces see link for example .
My Mum who is in her 80s feels the cold as do many older people, possibly you could get something warm and lovely to wear?
Has she got a subscription to Netflix/Disney whatever or is she just watching terrestial tv?
You could try something like a nice mug if you know exactly what she likes, or an upgrade for a houshold item she uses a lot.

Nice pyjamas/nightie/robe, but I wouldn’t get her anything else personally. As an only child with a difficult relationship with parents, be wary of falling into a pattern of trying to buy her affection when she can’t give it, or buying unnecessarily out of guilt because you don’t really like her.

I had my 40th recently and when asked what I wanted I replied 'nothing, I have everything I need'. Nobody listened to me and very kindly bought me gifts. I really did want anything though and finding places to put everything is somewhat stressful - If someone says they want nothing, maybe just listen to them.

Your mother doesn’t sound terribly happy? (I’d assumed that the vast majority of 80 year olds, unless prevented by incapacity) used a phone or iPad to stay in touch with family / friends.) Has she said why she refuses to use the internet? My own DM received a replacement iPad for her 80th, having worn the first one out.

Could you pay for a personal trainer to visit her once or twice a week for a few months? Enforced inactivity through foot injury, and sitting all day, is only going to make her blood pressure worse - and it looks as if you’ll be the person tasked with caring for her if she becomes ill. So it might be a strategically astute expenditure.

I think a nice photo frame with the dcs in it, ideally a photo taken with her, would be nice. I understand wanting there to be something to unwrap.

does she wear any jewellery?

It depends on how much you want to spend on your mum and where you live. My mum always said she didn’t want anything, had everything she needed etc, so for her 80th birthday I booked a day trip on the orient express for the two of us. It cost me a small fortune but she told me for years it was one of the best days of her life. I didn’t tell hwr where we were going, and when we caught the train to Victoria she assumed thst we were going to a museum, but when we walked to the Orient express platform, her face was a picture and it was worth every penny. We were made to feel like royalty and it really was a perfect day. I believe that there are similar trips on the Northern Belle if you’re in the north of the country.

She refused NHS physio from her GP. I have a few ideas now so thanks to everyone.

This is lovely. I’m not close to my mum and don’t want to go away with her. Thank you though.

Funnily enough I’d thought about Kinky Boots. She wouldn’t travel to London however. I’ve tried to get her to visit her (our) family (I would drive - she wouldn’t have to walk or carry anything) but she has refused for the last 5 years. I still see them but she won’t go anywhere.

Slippers and a heated blanket. Older people tend to feel the cold, my grandparents flat was always sweltering, a heated blanket is a game changer. My Grandmother is 80-odd and doesn't go out much. I made her a home-made scented candle for Christmas, in the recent past I have gifted her, a framed photo of the two of us at my wedding, a hand-stitched bookmark, and brightly coloured bird brooch (a friend of mine makes these) for her 80th i stitched a country cottage design and got it framed for her. My family always appreciate home made things. One year when I couldn't come up with a Christmas present for my other grandma so I just made her a load of mince pies.

Oh bless you but I couldn’t do this. She wouldn’t travel in any case. She doesn’t want to go anywhere, not even to visit her family (not that she has much left).