Sorry if this post isn't clear. Its all my words but I put it into chatgpt and asked its thoughts. Then copied my post over to here. It took me over an hour to write so I didn't want to write it all over again. Sorry if its not written well.
I wanted to know peoples thoughts. If you know of anyone simlar what it could mean.
when I was in mainstream I remember
not doing work. I remember kind of day dreaming. At Parents evening. I was sent out into the playground so I don't know what was said. I never mixed with other children. I know I used to go home for lunch. So I don't know if that was about putting things in place thing. Also used to go to this thing within the school day called unit. I don't remember anything about it apart from we got warm squash and a biscuit 🤷♀️. I then went to a special needs school from year 3 onwards so I must have been maybe 8ish. I don't remember any Parents evenings at the sen school. I think I'm saying things must have been said/looked at for me to be in the sen school. I wasn't told anything though.
When i went to the sen school i did start mixing with people. Then i went to a 2nd sen school because we moved home.
I did mix with people. But then i would go the other extreme and wouldn't talk to anyone for months If I was asked something by an adult even if it made no sense I would reply don't know. I was older then though 15/16
It went on for months. Possibly a year or more.i know i done it in 2 year groups And home wise i used to shut myself in my bedroom i would only communicate if I really had to.
When I was in year 10. There was a large desk in the corner. I used to sit on the floor behind it. Away from everyone. When I hit year 11 there wasn't a corner I could go to. So instead I faced myself Away.
Now as an adult. I'm ok on a one to one baises if I know the person.
If that turns into 2 people + even if I know them. I stop talking. I listen I may have an opinion/something to add but i don't. If someone invites me somewhere I won't go.
Im 100% fine with my kids.
I won't go to the doctors i hate the thought of that. I'm ok on the phone. I would go if there was absolutely no choice. But it would have to be serious. Was meant to get a blood test done. I never went.
Dentist i didn't go for many years is had a massive fear of them. I had to be in severe pain for me to go. The pain would effect my ears as well. The smallest sound like a packet being open someone talking. Putting a cup down. A shooting pain would go through my ear kike a bolt of lightning and cause severe pain. Thats the only time I would go to the dentist. Then they would say lots of things. Didn't seem to understand my fear. So I would then back off and not go again. I let my teeth crumble some you could see the pulp. There was only one dentist who kind of understood. They made a comment and for someone to go through this much pain its a big fear. But then I decided to go private get all the teeth /stumps basically all my teeth taken out. Implants fitted etc. The dentist was totally different to all the others I have been able to get all the treatment done with no major problems having molds done actually scares me more than the main treatment. So that makes me think my fear wasn't the physical side of the treatment. Unless my current dentist done something different. I don't know. But I do cancel and not go for 2 or 3 months because i start putting fear into my own head.
When I was in work It was just a kitchen job only basic stuff.
But when I was there I felt churned up all the time. I felt like a massive fear. Which i can't explain. People would talk to me general chat within the work place. Everytime someone spoke to me. I just wanted to escape. I felt scared whenever someone spoke to me.
I then got pregnant with ds1 that gave me time off for maternity Which was a year. I became pregnant with ds2 went back to work pregnant. Stayed there until I was able to take maternity leave again a year. During that time I was able to claim dla for ds1. And be his carer so thats allowed me not to work. So I don't have to face that fear .