Dating advice required. What shall I do??

[feelingabitlost123]

I’ve been dating this guy now for circa 5 months. We have never had the “are we official” chat but he sometimes refers to me as his girlfriend. We don’t see each other that often - once a week - and there have been a couple of 2/3 week periods we haven’t seen each other due to various other commitments.

I am in an absolutely pickle because I’ve realised that long term, for various reasons, I don’t want to be with him, and I think I need I need to call it off. However, we have booked to go on a weekend break in June. I am so torn about whether to end things before or after. If I didn’t go I stand to lose around £250 which is a lot of money to me.

I am also absolutely terrified about telling him face to face that we should stop seeing each other. Not because he’s horrible or anything, but I think it’ll be a shock to him and I know I’ll be emotional. It’s causing me huge anxiety. I am considering sending a message and then suggesting if he wants to talk more then we can, but I don’t want to hurt him or think I don’t respect him because that’s not the case.

I’d be keen for some advice. Although I am feeling fragile about the whole thing so please be kind!

This sounds so hard. I think though that for his sake, it's probably best not to go on the weekend away if you've already made the decision to split- it'll just mess with his head if you then immediately call things off afterwards and make things even harder for you both. I get that it's a waste of £250, but will you really enjoy it anyway if you're spending the time away with someone you've already decided you don't want to be with? I think you probably owe it to him to break up face to face too given you've been dating a few months, but appreciate how hard this is. Maybe you could meet in the middle and video call? Good luck 💐

How comes you only see each other once a week? Guessing it’s because of distance and possibly one of your reasons not to continue?

maybe he will be more ok with it than you thinking giving the minimal contact?

the £250 I guess you already paid it so you’re without it now anyway. £250 is a small price to pay for doing the right thing for you

Sounds like it's wasn't meant to be so why prolong it. I really wouldn't get going away as thats going to give wrong impression. Losing 200 quid will be a good deal in the long run

No distance hasn’t been an issue. He doesn’t like meeting up last minute. Or making too many plans. I am just in a bit of a mess 😢

this doesn’t sound like a man who is serious long term, his disappointment would be misplaced with you. He should be disappointed with himself for not making time for you. Does he even give a believable reason for last min and not liking plans?

No not really. It’s just another reason why the whole thing isn’t right. I just think he’ll he shocked when I end it and I feel so mean, but I can’t live my life to please other people.

No you have to do what’s right for you. He sounds very immature and perhaps isn’t ready for what you want

I think best thing is arrange to meet him for a coffee in a public place to break the bad news. It’s always better to have the decency to do these things face to face. Then just block him!

I think it’s ok to tell him via text but then say you are ok to talk about it but you have made your decision.
if it is causing you such angst just text and rip the plaster off.
If I was him and in a pretty low effort relationship I’d rather a text than a face to face awkward discussion that caught me off guard.

I do just want to rip the plaster off. But I don’t know when to do it that will be least upsetting for him.

Do not go on the weekend away. That would upset anyone.

Contact him in your usual manner and either arrange to meet or to talk on the phone. What you have suggested about giving a chance to talk is fine.

I think you might be overestimating his shock and upset, its not like he's prioritised you and made the effort to see you.
Telling him over the phone is perfectly acceptable if you don't want to do it face to face.

Is it terrible to send a message first and then offer to meet?

I don’t know when to do it that will be least upsetting for him.

Just do what is least upsetting for YOU.

It’s only been 5 months - FIVE - and you only meet once a week at best.

I agree. He’s happy not to see you very often so I doubt he’ll be heartbroken; the beginning of a relationship should have been when you can’t wait to see each other, and can’t keep your hands off!

If I didn’t go I stand to lose around £250 which is a lot of money to me

But this is a sunk cost anyway. You’re not getting the money back whatever you do.
So would you sooner be having an excruciating weekend either a man you don’t want to be with, or be relaxed at home and free? The cost is the same.

I took my BF on a mini break as he’d been having a rough time with his ex over their child and other stuff. He was a bit off but we DTD etc. Then he broke up with my on the drive back! I asked him why he had accepted the trip in the first place and he said ‘because I’m weak’. Too weak to tell me that he wanted out - he actually only managed to do it as I’d asked him something about plans for Christmas or something.
So suck up the money and break it off. Yes it will be hard but it will be harder to do it after the trip and you pretending all’s well.

Just break up over text. It’s only been 5 months and you’ve seen each other what 16-20 times?

He doesn’t sound that involved, won’t make plans etc. Just text him. Who needs the drama of a face to face?

Put your big girl pants on and phone him - doing it over text is a shit move, especially if he hasn't really done anything wrong. Don't go on the weekend away, I'd rather lose 250 quid than spend an awkward weekend with someone, plus that's unfair to him. It's never nice breaking up with someone but I think it's best to do it quickly and respectfully. Don't offer to meet up and talk, that only drags it out. Just tell him the truth, you don't see it going anywhere long term, and wish him well.

Get a text sent and get it over with.