Reflection on friendships

[the7Vabo]

It’s my birthday soon.

It caused me to reflect on a lot of my friendships.

Unfortunately I have lost touch, or worse fallen out with a few old friends, ones who would have known who my birthday was.

I also have friends who I’m still in touch with but I know are far from perfect, in one case I dread meeting up with her as I’ve put on weight and I know she’ll gloat about it. In another, I don’t enjoy our meet-ups as her child is eligible for the best secondary school by miles where we live whereas mine isn’t due to religion and she mentions it every time I see her, how happy he will be when he goes there, how amazing it is etc. even though the kids are pretty young/it’s a few years away.

I do still have some old friends who are great, and some fantastic new friends so it’s not all terrible.

I still feel sad about it though and wonder if I should be better at lettings things go. Like the friend who is a mean girl about my weight is great fun so maybe I should just block it out but I struggle not to be angry about it. I don’t think someone who is truly my friend would take any joy in my weight gain or want/need to feel superior to me.

I want true/pure friendships where I feel like we are on the same team. Is that unrealistic or too precious of me?

Focus on the friendships you have where they do have your back. Honesty is up there at the top of my list but as you said, she seems to be being mean. Let the ones who aren't supporting you go. Life is too short x

Don't spend time with people who put you down and try and make you feel bad about yourself. They're not friends. Hope you have a happy birthday and celebrate with those who bring joy to your life!

When you say you wonder whether you should be better at letting things go, how about you let the arseholes go and just enjoy the nice friends you've got. And your birthday!

Thanks to all of you for your replies.

I feel sad about losing friendships where there was so much shared history I suppose - people I grew up with, knew their parents etc.

Its hard to balance that vs feeling uncomfortable in the friendship for a maybe one or two valid reasons.

Like say you had friend for years and years, who becomes unbearable when she has kids and everything is competitive, at what point do you think there’s 30 years shared history here and we’ve been through weddings, funerals the lot but I don’t know how much more I can take of my little Johnny is better than yours. That’s a hypothetical but similar to some situations I’ve been in.

And how much should you factor in insecurity, try to be understanding that they might be feeling insecure?

Ive put distance between myself & various people for reasons like - one friend who was constantly pumping me for gossip about other people to the extent I felt used and constantly left me short changed for stuff like taxis, another who acted like me having kids somehow took away from her kids as if having kids was her thing rather than something most people do, the weight gain friend etc

I do feel sad about it and I also feel as if losing a lot of old friends is a poor reflection on me.

I think friendships can be difficult, people change, sometimes we don’t fully know who someone truly is for years. It’s no reflection on you - it happens, and it’s sad. It happens to pretty much everyone.

It’s just not what we’d like. We wish things were different. It’s hard to break an attachment even if it’s not a positive one.

However I do look back and think there are a couple of people who were really difficult sometimes but I wish I had dialled things down, dialled down my expectations of them, reduced intensity, and kept them in my life in a more detached way. Rolled my eyes and stepped away a bit but kept in contact. That takes a kind of balance and strength though and doesn’t allow your own needs and vulnerability.

And sometimes it’s just the best thing to let someone go. I hear you though. It’s not what we want, it’s just what is.

Thank you, that’s very well put.

I agree with you re dialled things down, in my case I wish I hadn’t let myself get so angry about things. And one of the things that would have helped is if I’d stepped back in a small way instead of letting anger build and then stepping back in a big way.

And we’re never honest. Like I’m never going to say to my friend I don’t want to meet up with you because I don’t want you to see my weight gain because I know it will make you happy. And because I know that means that even though you have known me for over 20 years, you are not really my friend.