How to deal with comments on my weight loss due to illness?

[CardiBTEC]

Ok, I’ve been a longtime lurker and commenter on MN but this is my first time posting, so here it goes:

TW: ED + BULIMIA

For the last 2/3 months, without being completely outing, I’ve been quite unwell. Not gravely ill, but certainly the most ill I’ve ever been. It’s resulted in multiple (10+) A&E trips, NHS consultants, private consultants etc etc. It’s affected my day-to-day life and how I can look after my 4yo little boy. I am extremely fortunate to have the DH I have to help and support, but obviously the stress and worry has affected him too. Luckily, and finally, next month I have several surgeries to sort out the issue.

The crux of all this is, the illness has caused weight loss because I can hardly eat anything. I never weigh myself but I have definitely dropped a dress size, going from a size 10/12 to a size 8/10. And people seem to love it! I’ve never been told how great I look this much before by people, commenting on how thin I look, asking what diet I’m on, even consultants have assumed I’m on WLI because of how slim I am and I want to scream NO I JUST CAN’T EAT!

Now I’m not really bothered by the comments per se, if I’m comfortable with telling them I’m ill I do or if I don’t know them very well I just smile BUT the issue is, before I had my son I had very disordered eating, and was bulimic for around 10 years, on and off. And my stupid brain, after hearing these comments keeps switching to “weight loss=good”, which is a mindset I’ve tried for so long to forget about.

I don’t really know what my question is really, but I just wanted to see if anyone else has any experienced anything similar and how to stop this thinking in it’s tracks?

This is why its v dangerous to comment on people's weight loss as you have no idea whats actually going on, but unfortunately being thin is seen as the most desirable body shape no matter how you got there OP. I am sorry you are ill it must be so tough. I can't help with the thinking side - I assume you are getting mental health support? On the comments side I would be tempted to do the dead eyed stare and just say 'actually I have been ill' and make it uncomfortable. Might stop them from.doing it again

Thanks so much. Yes unfortunately the mindset does seem to be thin=goals regardless of anything else I’m going through. Close family members who actually know what has happened have genuinely sympathised with me then ended by going “but at least you look great!” and I’ve just looked at them in disbelief!

OP that is awful and another e.g. of why one should not make personal remarks!

I still remember a colleague who experienced recurrent MC being congratulated on her "weight loss" after she lost a baby at 16/17w :(

I have been where you are, and I would say - concentrate on how your body feels first and foremost

Do you feel energetic, bouncy, painfree?

Presumably not and you want to get there.

Do you want to experience age-related muscle loss?

Again probably not, so you want to get better and be active.

Your body needs good food now for energy to heal.

Focus on that maybe and might help?

I'm so sorry to hear how I'll you've been 🌷💕I'm sorry you have to go through surgery next month, but I hope it fixes everything 🤞🏼 & you are feeling bettter quickly after.

can you try to reframe your thinking, sensible eating = healthy body. (There is much more to me & my health than the scales/number in the lable!)

it's not easy in our society & decades of feeling the way you did (do), is not easy to overcome, BUT you can reset your way of thinking with a different monologue! You can!!

When I lost a lot of weight, people congratulated me and told me how healthy I was now (not having any information to medical record) and completely ignoring the poor mental health and disordered eating I’d developed.

Be honest. Every single time. “I’m actually really unwell and need quite a serious surgery”. If they continue and say well at least you look great, “that means nothing, I would much rather have my health”.

That is actually such a helpful way to frame it, thank you, and helps me “talk my brain down” so to speak ❤️

And no, definitely not bouncy and energetic, my mouth is cracking from lack of nutrition and I keep seeing stars whenever I stand up 😔.

Thank you so, so much 💐

I had this when had an actual eating disorder and became underweight. It's really messed up and it made it so much harder to commit to recovery because it made my ED brain feel like I was doing the "right thing". I can only suggest what pp have said - say "Actually, I've been ill and I'm trying to focus on getting better now".

@CardiBTEC

I say this with kindness, to help stop your thinking that weight loss = good. Your 4 year old little boy would much rather have a healthy mummy than one at risk of heart failure and other related conditions.

I do know it’s not easy to stop the irrational thoughts before anyone jumps in.

Why would consultants assume you’re on WLI at an 8/10? You weren’t much larger before and it’s a perfectly normal size

Without being outing, the issue I have is much more prevalent if you are larger than I am. Hence them assuming it’s been caused by WLI.

Thank you 💐

This is exactly it. You’ve reminded me that when my ED was at it’s peak over the years I’d get the same thing and it does make it so bloody hard!

I hope you’re doing better now ❤️