This man has a lot to learn, but...

[Gruutbowl]

I like him. He calls when he says he will, makes plans and sticks to them, is brilliant with my disabled father, who is very difficult to please, will drop anything to help with errands, friendly and supportive for my adult DC, has been with me to visit both my parents in hospital, just for the company, takes on all the admin for dates and trips, but...

He is absolutely useless around the house. He seems to have managed to get to middle age without really having to manage his living arrangements. Has spent a lot of time lodging with friends, some with his parents, and short and infrequent spells with GFs.

However; he's not lazy, wants to learn (I know, so why hasn't he?) and generally only needs telling once.

E.g. I have a large garden that sometimes overwhelms me and he's very keen to help out, has given several hours on multiple occasions to it, but it's like having a willing child helper. Everything has to be explained in very specific detail.

He can't cook, at all, but if I'm cooking makes a point of arriving early enough to "help". Watching him chop an onion is painful!

Even washing up. Initially I was handing things back because they weren't clean, but he's now realised he needs his glasses for washing up. Then he'd leave a mess around the sink, and the sink full of food, but yesterday I went to water the garden while he washed up, and came back to an imacculate kitchen. Sometimes it feels like I imagine my parents must have felt when they had DGC round to "help". It's not unpleasant, but it is slightly ridiculous.

Financially he pays his way, I doubt his future is very secure, but he pays his share of everything we do, runs a nice car, has money for trips etc. I've no plans to live with him, or anyone, ever.

And, it does mean I'm training him to do things the way I like them done 🤣

I'm just not sure how it's possible to get to 48 without doing any adulting, especially for someone aparently willing. That said, a man with no sigmificant exes and no children, does have it's advantages in the middle aged dating pool.

So, I'm inclined to go with it, as he's fun and kind etc. Am I mad?

What's the sex like ? Because you can always hire a cleaner 😜

Stop worrying about housework you sound like youve met a gentleman who doesn’t get on your nerves. You know to find the 100% man who is great at everything (good luck with that) and unless your 100% great at everything keep looking. But it sounds like you have found a good one (tho a bit messy) keep him and enjoy the important things in life.

@Gruutbowl

"I'm just not sure how it's possible to get to 48 without doing any adulting"

I would expect that's because he doesn't give a shiny about the things that you deem important about "adulting" eta; up until now

Don't judge him, you have a willing learner. Enjoy!

I'd say he sounds like a keeper if all else is good and he's willing to learn (even better if he starts to take the initiative!).
My DH is amazing in all sorts of ways. Organisation is not one of them. Luckily for him, organisation is a special skill of mine. Likewise, I'm not very good at general knowledge and the kids homework. He's a teacher. He knows stuff. So teamwork makes the dreamwork right?!
Well, it works for us. Both happy as pigs in muck despite our own personal deficits!

My immediate thought was 'he's trying to ingratiate himself and will instantly stop any desire to learn whatsoever and fall back on the 'you do it so much better' as soon as he's got his feet under the table.'

But then you said you've no plans to live together? Does he know this?

He does know that yes, I made it clear very early on.

Do you make a good team ?

It's not necessary to recruit (maybe not the right word) someone that can do what you do. But someone who pulls their weight in the areas that you currently have difficulty with.

Of course someone who does not do the basics and leaves a trail of carnage for you to clear up is unlikely to be looked on as a good partner. Even if their skill with say fixing electric appliances is off the chart.

He has different contrasting skills/personality traits. He's much more outgoing and won't shy away from speaking up e.g. in a restaurant, which I find more I difficult. He's highly motivated for making things happen, e.g. we'll mention a place that would be nice to visit and next thing I know he's worked out all the logistics and costs and found a suitable date.

Anything housewise including DIY, my 19yo DS is far more useful.

Sounds like something one could work with. My only thought would be until he is self sufficient, I wouldn’t live together, but that doesn’t seem like an issue for you.

"and next thing I know he's worked out all the logistics and costs and found a suitable date", so he takes on some of the mental load then, that's surely a positive @Gruutbowl?

"Anything housewise including DIY, my 19yo DS is far more useful", not his forte then, hopefully you then could employ a man who can?

I kind of know what you mean as while he sounds willing it is the total ineptitude at something that unique and is quite overwhelming.

BUT you have no plans to live together then don’t expect him to fix your car/garden/out up shelves/ cook. He can take you out or pay for what needs to be done.

How many people have you watched cut an onion? I have watched a few (my mum colleagues and the teens I work with on residential) and by and large it’s a painful experience.

I will also tell you about one deeadful colleague on a trip who was helping in the kitchen and he decided to clean the work too if the catering kitchen by using a filthy brush and dustpan and it was revolting 🤮 who on earth does that?

Why would he pay for work on my house? I don't want that and I don't particularly want him doing DIY, it's just surprising to meet someone quite so clueless. E.g there's no point asking what he thinks might need doing when anything breaks, or even who I need to call.

I think he should pull his weight on domestic things around eating and sleeping at my house, and I am surprised to have to teach a grown man to wash up.

Actually, on that front, he used the dish cloth to clean birds mess from his windscreen, and when challenged was "don't worry, I'm going to wash it", by which he meant run it under the tap!

I’ve been with DH for 37 years and the man still can’t be left in charge of a toolbox 😂. He can’t saw wood in a straight line, put up a curtain pole with the screws in the places he originally marked out, put up a shelf and it be level, nothing. And he wouldn’t have a clue how to mend things. It’s not an issue at all because I’m pretty good at those things and I don’t mind doing them. I, on the other hand, hate the responsibility of the finances and would dither about not trusting myself to make good decisions. DH is a real whizz at this and has carefully invested for us for years, projecting what we will need when and making sure there’s provision for it. He always includes me in the decision making and makes sure I’m able to access everything in case something were to happen to him but really it’s his domain. We divide and conquer about most things domestic and it works for us. No one is good at everything!

If this guy isn’t lazy about getting things done and is generally willing, kind and proactive I wouldn’t see an issue with him not being great at household tasks. Especially as he seems keen to learn how you like it done.

Get him a cooking course for his birthday or Christmas!

Sorry I sounded quite snippy and did not mean to. I man you lay for it.

an yes he needs to clean up after himself and wash up if you cook. Thankfully my DH was domesticated in this sense but lacking in the empathy and romance departments. He also built a house but when it comes to fixing a curtain rail we are looking at 12 months plus.

keep going and see if you can tolerate it?

This would give me the ick.

just no. He’s not just an adult he is a middle aged adult and he can google it can’t he? He doesn’t need you explaining or teaching him what a waste of your time

He sounds great - and dyspraxia makes my son looking like he is juggling chunks of veg and sharp knives when he’s cooking. It’s still edible though!

So long as you genuinely only have to tell him once when it’s the basics like cleaning the loo and washing up. Gardening takes a while to learn. Cooking just takes a good book or YouTube channel and a bit of practice.

DH is 72 and is bloody useless in the house. He doesn't see mess and mostly wanders about in his own bubble.

It irritates me often. Then I recall that he is kind. Generous. Loving. He appreciates me. He has my back always. He puts up with craop from my family. He;'s coming home early from a business trip to support me when my very difficult aunt is visiting. He volunteeed to do it. He does not suffer from depression but understands that I do and he absolutely takes care of me when i do. He is a fabulous father.

So, I swallow my irritation and I now have a cleaner and a gardener. That;s worked for us for 24 years.

I guess you have to decide if the pros outweight the cons. They don't always, to be fair.

I’m amazed what women expect. No man is perfect, no women either. I’d take reliable, kind and financially responsible over the other stuff.

Nobody is perfect, get a dishwasher that will solve the problem ! Just show him how to put it on.

I gather you are not living with him and have no intention of doing so. so wtf is your problem?
He seems very adept in skills that you admit are not your forte so maybe he should have little moans about what you're not capable, or good at.
I think you are onto a winner there.

Unfortunately it is him that has drawn the short straw.

However, he does seem strangely content.

Look up weaponised incompetence and see if it fits. Quite honestly I would be getting the ick if a grown man can't even wash up.

I think he sounds nice and kind, nobody’s perfect. Do you enjoy his company is surely the most important question in your situation and if you do just go with it!