Controlling friendship

[arethereanyleftatall]

Dd 15 has a friend she adores. Said friend was dumped a few months ago and was devastated. Dd has supported her through that. The ex had a party, didn’t invite friend but did invite Dd. Friend didn’t want Dd to go out of loyalty to her, so Dd didn’t. She was gutted to miss it, as all the rest of the friend group went, but DD has always tried to be a very very good friend. Roll on to now. Another friend is having a party, a friend of the ex who is ‘co-hosting’, Dd invited, friend not. Friend says she will end the friendship with DD if she goes. I’m saying ‘enough now’, she can’t control what parties you go to. What do other people think? Should dd not go again? Dd crying as she doesn’t want to lose friendship as that is more important to her than one party, and so she wouldn’t enjoy party anyway, and whilst that’s true, I also think she needs to stand her ground. What do others think please?

Are you the ‘Dd15’ OP?

I'd be dragging her to the party whether she liked it or not. She needs to show a clear boundary that this girl cannot control her. These types of things can escalate to scary levels at that age

No

It’s no good just having one friend especially at that age. As soon as the other friend finds someone else your DD will be left in the lurch. Tell her to keep her options open. What if something else comes along that your daughter wants to do that doesn’t involve the ex, is she always going to toe the line? Maybe help her tit thinking the bigger picture …

@Gonk123no - dd has loads of friends, this other girl less so. She is super kind, too kind really, a break of their friendship will effect the friend far more than dd. But as she’s so kind, that upsets her…

It's a difficult one. No one wants to be left out of a party, but that is what happens when you break up with someone - their friends, family, animals, lifestyle all go out the door with them. Other people are not expected to 'not speak' to people on the other side.

In your daughter's shoes, I would probably miss this second party too, but then watch as life 'moves on.' In 6 months' time, this friend won't care so much.

I had a friendship exactly like this is high school and my mum also saw right through it and tried to get me to stop making sacrifices from the friendship. I didn’t and ended up totally regretting it and my mum was 100% right but honestly 15 year old girls can’t really be told these things and just need to learn it

Thank you all. I’m trying to persuade her to go, but she has decided not to go as she knows she won’t have a good time if she did because she’ll be too upset that she’s upset her friend. This is true and just how she is, extremely empathetic. I have no idea how I could stop her from feeling that. It’s lose lose for her.

Isn't this normal friendship drama and falling out that happens in the mid-teens? I would sympathise, let her talk about it, but not try to make her behave in any particular way unless she actually plans to do something dangerous, because she needs to learn to manage things like this on her own. You could say 'OK, so it feels more important to please Jane that to enjoy a party with all your friends. That is your choice. Are you happy with it?'

Thank you @andnowwhatdowedo

she Had a really good result in the end…

she sent her a message, helped by chat gpt to be very kind whilst firmly saying no more as it’s controlling, and got a very good response back from friend saying she hadn’t thought about it from that side, and that she understood.

so, all good, and dd learning to be assertive which is what I really want for her as she’s so kind, she’s open to this.

Oh good! What a great result.