Do you share difficult family news with your parents?

[Wallywonker72]

Do you share less-than-good news with your parents?

We’ve always been very close with my parents, despite living in a different country. We’ve spent lots of holidays and extended periods of time together, and they absolutely dote on my two boys who are their only grandkids. but I’ve come to realise that while I find it easy when everything is going well, it’s harder when it isn’t.

Those two lovely little boys are now strapping teenagers. The oldest (18) is going through a rough-ish patch. He left school last year and has gone to uni but really isn’t inspired. He talked about leaving uni and joining the army, becoming a mechanic - all perfectly respectable careers but not what we expected for him. ATM he’s mostly learning to drive, and hanging out with his girlfriend and friends (and smoking a bit of dope I suspect). Nothing dreadful, but nothing my parents would be happy to hear either. The younger one is struggling in a key subject at school. It’s very stressful as worse case scenario he’d be forced to change schools (not the UK system). This is causing DH and I some stress but I haven’t really expressed that to my parents, partly because it’s a complicated system that they don’t understand but honestly because they’d be so outraged that anyone could doubt the ability of their wonderful, intelligent, hardworking grandson - and I would find their outrage on his behalf stressful in itself.

My sister and I agree that our parents happiness always felt very conditionnel on our being ‘good’ at school and being ‘mature’ ie well-behaved. It’s just the same thing isn’t it, except that I’m trying to only deliver good news about the boys ? And while they are indeed lovely, they are not the polite / swotty / people pleasing girls that my sister and I were.

DH and I are having a tough time financially atm, and at work. DH tends to share this kind of news quite openly - and I can feel myself getting angry when he does. Again, I find it hard to share our bad news with them.

I didn't because dm loved a drama and if anyone was having a hard time, the last thing they needed was dm going on about it.

I'd usually wait until the issue was resolved before informing her in an airy, pass the time of day way that I'd moved job or whatever. She worried less and it was much easier to deal with.

Some things I never told her because there was no need, eg being in New York on business at 9/11.

It's a tricky one. I would say a lot of the time no I don't, mainly because I know that my mother would worry about it a lot and she is chronically anxious so giving her more things to worry about doesn't seem worth it. But it does then happen that sometimes there's a lot going on in my life that they don't know about.
Why do you feel angry when your DH shares news? It wasn't clear to me whether you feel vulnerable when bad news is shared, or you're angry because you wish you had that kind of relationship with your parents but don't.

Regarding the kids, I would tend to respect their privacy. Would they want their grandparents to know what’s going on?

I have a bit of a tendency to only tell my parents about big problems once I have a solution.

i used to tell my parents everything, warts and all, and the relationship with them was something I miss every single day now I’ve lost both of them. We’ve still got the in-laws and we very much only share the sanitised version of life with them, and only share the good news, or tricky things once they’ve been resolved. They are utterly incapable of supporting in difficult circumstances. I love them, but the relationship is totally different. I enjoy spending time with them and make time to see them, but I don’t have that relationship with them at all.

Absolutely not. They are not the type of people you let know anything slightly negative about your life. They judge, tell you how they’d have done things perfectly, tell their neighbours and then use it against you for the rest of your life. They get superficial conversations, and very infrequently.

We deal with everything between the two of us but we do have close friends we can always rely on for any issues we have. I tend to keep anything about the kids private as it’s up to them who they share things with, not us. If they choose to share with our friends, which they often do as they’re close to them, then obviously I’ll talk with my friends about it.

Our kids know never to tell their GPs anything.

eta, I hope things improve with your children. Try to remember that most kids have some sort of problem or wobble at some point and it usually all comes good in the end.

Sorry I don't understand when you say you get angry when your dh speaks openly about your troubles - what do you mean?

No. I don't tell my parents anything but positive news eg dd's exam results etc
I don't tell my mum if I am having an operation (I might tell her afterwards so she doesn't worry) I don't tell her about my various health conditions (she can't do anything about them)I don't tell them my husband and I are separated (would be seen as a failing in their eyes).
I wish I had the closeness that some families have but the truth is they can't help me, maybe financially but I'd be mortified to ask for help that way.
They're in their 80s and while physically fit and active they don't need to worry about me and my life.

I don’t tell my mum much as she catastrophises everything and then makes it about how stressed she is, it’s not worth it.

By those ages it's your DC's decision to share (or not) their news). Not yours.

In answer to your question, I don't share anything with my parents which doesn't fit their world view of the one correct way that someone should be leading their life. Which restricts our conversations mostly to the weather and what gardening they have done lately.

I think it’s the heart of the issue. When we were younger my sister and I were very aware just how important it was to them - especially my mum - that we were seen as ‘good’, clever, sensible etc. So that she could reassure herself that she was doing a good job and getting parenting ‘right’ (she always, always had to be right). And yes, so she could boast about it, feel good about herself.

I have tried very hard not to be like that with my children. But clearly I still want to please my parents, and I get very uncomfortable when DH tells them anything that implies we are struggling / at fault / getting things wrong. I guess it’s also privacy 🤷‍♀️ it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

looking back I only ever brought good news to them - good test scores, prizes, praise. I never told them when I was being bullied, when I did something stupid.

Is it anger or shame? I ask as I had that type of childhood.

for the ages of your children I’d say it’s not for you to share their news. It’s habit I find with mine, I’ve stopped sharing or telling her stuff I and she doesn’t ask so that’s a win. Less I tell her and more normal it becomes. We are like passing acquaintances to be honest. Child (her only grandchild) is doing GCSE’s at present my mum has no interest whatsoever. I’m not pushing information to her.

I would tell them the basics (assuming DCs were happy enough) but wouldn’t want to worry them. They’re quite good, though, and would be interested, helpful and not too nosey. They wouldn’t be judgey or gossipy.

No, I never tell them anything except good news. If it's unavoidable to tell them something bad they get a very managed and edited version of it. Combination of reasons-

• they have no sense of privacy so everything is immediately passed on to all their friends, even when we specifically ask them not to
• they have a tendency to want to "fix" things which comes across as blaming eg when I had a miscarriage my mum sent me endless online nonsense links to articles about miscarriage being caused by stress at work or drinking tea or whatever. I know she thinks she is passing on useful info but a) it isn't useful and b) it comes across as critical and blaming rather than helpful. Same for my poor brother who has gained weight and is now subjected to endless links to WLI sites from my mum, who thinks he might not have heard of WLI.
• even if they wanted to, they are not really able to be helpful. Their advice is appalling and they don't have a great understanding of the modern world. They have very fixed ideas about things and can't really cope with anything outside that.

So, absolutely no benefit in telling them anything bad and quite a lot of downside.

I can’t tell my mum anything I wouldn’t want my sister to know. Plus, I won’t tell my mum anything where I wouldn’t find her reaction supportive. So I guess I don’t actually tell her much and I keep to basic facts when I do.

I always protected my mum from very bad personal news - SA as a child, a bad relationship that went dark as an adult but I escaped, and later severe depression which ultimately I overcame.

But I told her everything else, she was a good listener but I think some things are too close for comfort and she didn’t need that knowledge in her head.

looking back I only ever brought good news to them - good test scores, prizes, praise. I never told them when I was being bullied, when I did something stupid.

This behaviour will originate from something - most likely a negative reaction when you did tell them something, either they got annoyed, or they made you feel shame, or they simply ignored you altogether. And they did this enough times that you've learnt that telling your parents these things=bad idea, so you avoid doing it. Because the range of things that might cause the negative reaction is so large, this basically means you tell them virtually nothing at all.

Your DH has not been brought up in this family background and is more used to sharing what he considers to be innocuous family news. When he does share, you are on edge because you are expecting "bad reaction" even if the bad reaction doesn't actually happen (does it happen, by the way?).

In your mind he is responsible for causing the "bad reaction". You need to think about reframing this - the responsibility is with your parents, not with him. Your children are teens so I bet you have also brought them up with the "we don't tell that to your grandparents" doctrine - so they've also learnt to modify their behaviour to avoid the "bad reaction".

This sounds like a toxic family situation where "grey rock" is the best approach (which you learnt to do anyway when you were probably quite young, and before you realised it had a name).

I would only share vulnerability with people who will be empathetic and supportive and or offer good practical help. If they’ll do none of that then don’t tell them.

Reading all these posts on here makes me think, if so many people seem to have a “censored” relationship with their parents, that lacks depth, doesn’t that mean, statistically speaking, that they’re likely to end up being the exact same way with their own kids when they grow up? (Or for people whose kids are grown up already, is your relationship any better with them than it is with your parents?)

I love my dad, he’s a really good man, but he is completely incapable of discussing anything with me beyond the most basic, mundane topics like the weather, work, my kids’ school. Only practical, logical things. I think some people mistake him for being boring, but he’s not, he’s just completely emotionally incapable. Way worse than a typical man in his 60s. I remember as a teenager listening to the excruciating dinner table conversation between him & his mum when we’d go there for Sunday lunch. The conversation was so forced and tense. It’s clear they were both bored with it but my dad was just unable to be himself/talk about anything real etc. When my nan would try he’d get angry and shut her down. I remember thinking how sad it was, and that it’d never be like that with me and him when I was older…and now it is! But what I didn’t realise then was how little control I’d have over the relationship. I’m super open and will talk to mg own kids about anything and everything but I worry that history will repeat itself and we’ll end up exactly like my dad and nan

As a person I work with put it "I wouldn't tell my mother that it's Tuesday"

My DM is exhausting, if I say I put the children to bed at 7:30 she would tell me it's too early. If I put them to bed at 9:00 it's too late. If I give them Greek yogurt and honey it's too healthy and boring. If I give them an Aero chocolate pot it's too much sugar and unhealthy. Etc.

So I tell her nothing. The children have sports training today, school trip is next week. That's about as far as it goes

That's a great way to put it!

No, because I am not my parents. My parents are timid, socially awkward catastrophisers who turn the slightest event into a major source of worry. When, in the past, I have been honest with them about minor challenges or drawbacks, I have discovered later on that they've spent months worrying about it at 3 am, and I frequently end up having to manage their own emotional responses to something as well as my own.

So, now I don't tell them anything that they can convert into worry fodder. I went through cancer treatment without telling them.

But because I am not my parents, not a catastrophiser, and am well about to regulate my own responses to things, it's highly unlikely I will have a similar relationship with my (now teenage) DS in adulthood.

If it's about me and I want to, yes.

If it's about my kids or my husband then no. Thats their information, not mine and not my place to share.

No. They don't provide any emotional support and my mum would try to "help" by bombarding me with links to things I've probably already found or considered. And if I haven't there's good reason!

Reading all these posts on here makes me think, if so many people seem to have a “censored” relationship with their parents, that lacks depth, doesn’t that mean, statistically speaking, that they’re likely to end up being the exact same way with their own kids when they grow up? (Or for people whose kids are grown up already, is your relationship any better with them than it is with your parents?)

I think there are two ways to go. There are the parents who unwittingly reproduce the patterns, but perhaps in a different way (e.g. the father in Adolescence who thought he was better than his own father because he never hit his children), as they know what not to do but not what to do. And the parents who as well as making a conscious effort to do things differently also make an effort to find out what makes a better parent. It is much easier these days because so much advice is available online, so you're not stuck in a cycle of only seeing one type of relationship. But it does require genuine self reflection, and parents who are unable to do this often have children who are also unable to do this and so the cycle continues.

From my perspective I have a better relationship with my own (adult) children than I do with my parents, but I do not think it is perfect and I am only too painfully aware that I have repeated toxic patterns. But I do have the ability to talk about this with my children (and listen to what they say), as opposed to my parents "my way is right and any other way is wrong".

Reading all these posts on here makes me think, if so many people seem to have a “censored” relationship with their parents, that lacks depth, doesn’t that mean, statistically speaking, that they’re likely to end up being the exact same way with their own kids when they grow up? (Or for people whose kids are grown up already, is your relationship any better with them than it is with your parents?)

I think about this quite a lot- I have made active choices to do things differently to my parents, had therapy with this in mind, and I hope this will mean that we can break the cycle. In particular, I'm very careful about keeping private things private, and try hard not to react negatively or disproportionately to bad news.

I also try to keep an open mind about whether I'm in the right- what I find hardest with my own parents is that they are so set in their thinking and won't engage with the idea that they might not always be right (for example, I once told my mum that I was unhappy she'd told some friends about a medical matter I'd mentioned to her and asked her to keep private, and she simply insisted that it wasn't private because her friends are women- wtf?) I really think being open to the idea you might get things wrong occasionally and apologise, and not simply plough on regardless, is vital to keeping a good relationship.