How can I manage anxiety around my MIL?

[IJustKnowIt]

I've been married over 20 years. I am from a different culture than my in-laws and I find that, as I get older, I'm less tolerant of their preconceived notions about my culture which I gather they have acquired via the news, social media, movies or fictional books.

MIL, in particular, makes disparaging remarks about where I come from. She criticises the politics, the culture, the history, the food and makes entire stories up about where she believes these things stem from and how they're disdained by the entire world.

Most of these remarks are intentional but some do come from ignorance.

She's not alone in parroting silly things. It's almost a daily battle trying to talk to anyone without combatting preconceived notions about my belief system, values, morals etc based on my accent.

As a result, I do overlook a lot of what she says because she's older, very set in her ways etc so there's no point in arguing with her or trying to educate her. I've tried for many years, to no avail.

Frankly, I'm exhausted trying to overcome the prejudice of others and have sort of come to the conclusion that no one deserves this much energy from me.

However, the stress from seeing her is really getting to me. I find that when we have planned visits, I can't sleep for a few days before I know she's coming over, I binge eat and then drink too much when she's around as a way to try to loosen up with her.

But then, I'm too free with my words and worry about how much I've offended her, said things that I wouldn't normally say (even though true) about our culture differences etc.

I've stopped drinking around her, for the most part, but I can't seem to find a way to control my anxiety around her without resorting to some kind of unhealthy mechanism. She always, without fail, brings things up that are offensive to me but that I never challenge, overtly.

DH knows how I feel and has just suggested limiting contact, or going no contact, and I've limited contact a lot but she texts me and tells me that she misses me, or she's lonely and so I feel bad for protecting myself to her detriment.

The stress of always having to defend myself to her, and others, is really getting to me.

Any advice for me?

She is unpleasant to you. You do not have a duty to accept that or put up with it. Stop seeing her. If she is lonely, it is her own fault. Your dh knows this too. It is the obvious thing to do.

Or you could be blunt. Tell her you do not wish to spend time with her unless she stops criticising your culture.

Call her out. Every time. Not making heavy weather, but just lightly say 'that is not the case, xyz is'. If she says she misses you, say 'I would spend more time with you if you didn't make me feel uncomfortable by making comments about my culture'. But again lightly, without making a big deal. If she starts to make a big deal, say 'I'm sorry you feel like that and blank her from then on.'

I think you'll feel a million miles better for it, and she at least has a chance to right her ways.

You can’t fix her, you can show you have a different perspective.

Practise some phrases that take the heat out of the situation.
Lightly say,
don’t be silly
oh you are funny!
Yes, Mil, we all drink coconut milk and eat Turkish delight all day!

to trivialise her ignorance.

Thing is, it isn’t your job to educate her or correct her. Just to point out you disagree or that she’s wrong in a light enough way that it doesn’t stop the benefits of the relationship.