Feeling lonely… struggle to connect with people

[ThisAmpleCritic]

I feel lonely and it’s making me miserable.

Objectively, family life is good, but I don’t really feel connected to anyone. DH and I are not close any more, have been together for a long time and just drifted apart, have nothing in common really. My young DC are wonderful, I love them dearly, but they are ND and challenging.

I have no close friends. Throughout life, I’ve had several close friends however for various reasons the friendships have all come to the end of their lives. Either circumstances have changed and we’ve drifted apart, or things have happened and the friendships turned sour.

I have a career that I love, but it’s highly stressful and emotionally exhausting. It also involves shift work and an unpredictable routine. This means that my availability to socialise is restricted, and I have to spend time by myself rrecuperating. This also means I can’t really commit to a regular group/club hobby to meet new “like-minded people”. I have some nice colleagues, but we’re not particularly friendly. I’ve reached out several times to work colleagues to have lunch together, go for a drink, or meet up on mutual days off, although these sometimes come to fruition they never lead to anything more.

I have no one that meets my social needs and I feel really down about it.

I've recently started fitness/ aqua classes at the gym and I did not expect to get chatting with so many people. It's been a really nice surprise.

The gym does day time and evening classes too, maybe that could be somthing you could look into?

I have considered joining a gym, definitely need to do some exercise! I hadn’t considered the social side of it too. Would you say you have made friends?

I have no one to go to things with, no one to confide in, no one just to have a good old natter and giggle with. Just lonely.

I've only been going for a month, so not friends friends, but in my aqua class there's a lady who always waves me over then we will have little natters throughout

At swimming I regularly end up talking to a man and a woman, ( not a couple )

Everyone's different age ranges too, it's nice

I was nervous to start by myself, but it's been so much nicer and no where near as awkward as I expected

Give it a try, I was pleasantly surprised

Edited to add:

People always ask if they'll see me at the next session too which is nice. Very welcoming x

That sounds lovely and very friendly, thanks. I’ll look into it :)

Running clubs can be very social - mine is. They have training sessions and social runs, which are designed for running and chatting. If you're not a runner, start with a Couch to 5k course and take it from there.

I just find it hard to talk to people. I either have nothing to say or I massively
overshare and make people uncomfortable.

Well you'll find it hard to make friends and connect with people if you don't talk! There are plenty of books about how to be a better conversationalist - maybe take a look at a couple?

Then you need to work on basic social skills and practice in low-risk environments.

TBH, I’m also struck by you saying ‘I have no one that meets my social needs’. It sounds as if you want friends to fill a friend- shaped hole in your life, but you also have very little time or space for friends in your life if you do a demanding shift work job from which you need significant alone time to recuperate, and which involves unpredictable hours, and have young ND children.

I'm saying that potential friends will also have their own social needs to be met. What are you going to bring to them? It’s a two-way street.

Well, I’m hoping that friends would want to spend time with me, enjoy my company, want to go to things with me to enjoy experiences together, and generally have a good chat and a giggle.

I can definitely try to learn some conversation skills. I’ll google some book recs :)

Hi OP, I’m just wondering, is there a chance that you don’t actually overshare or say too little, but that you have a harsh inner voice that monitors your social interactions? I say this because it’s that socially anxious voice that can really get in the way of your willingness to put yourself out there. I have it, and it sometimes makes me want to stay at home with the curtains closed 😬. I’m working on it…..

I think you could give a level of commitment to some hobbies that might work for you. Sure some are all encompassing but others you can pick up and drop as you need. The gym is a really good example, you can just attend to your own schedule and then just be friendly with people rather than try to make friends. It fills the gap a bit. Im in 3 clubs and everyone picks and chooses when they can attend, you wouldn’t be out of the ordinary doing that.

I think its not just the children who are ND. I am late diagnosed autistic and feel exactly like you.

Hey OP, have you ever tried making friends online? I’ve started lots of conversations through groups made for meeting people on places like Reddit and Discord; and while many fizzle out, I’ve made a few solid friends that I chat to daily, lots are in the UK and we actually make plans to meet up as well. I became really good friends with a woman from another EU country and she’s been to visit!

Perhaps starting an online friendship might be a good way for you to get to know someone properly without feeling pressure to become fast friends

OP - sounds like you’re perhaps ND too (the over-sharing is a clue). If you are then your work pattern will be super exhausting to you. Not suggesting you find a new job but be kind to yourself.

I think classes at the gym is a good idea. My local running club is very sociable and lots of people make friend through it. It is harder to make friends if ND.