I had a crap childhood long story short. My mum was very poorly - in and out of locked wards - and we had dozens of support workers, social workers, foster carers, etc.
One lady was particularly lovely, we used to see her once a year or so - but we lost touch in 2008 or so and we never saw her again. Occasionally mum would say she regretted that she’d lost her phone number.
She was a rape crisis worker I think or maybe domestic abuse; she worked on a telephone line years ago and for whatever reason my mum ended up meeting up with her and they continued to meet face to face once a year or so, like socially so we’d have lunch.
I used to have to talk to her on the phone at nighttime as a tiny tiny little girl when mum got too upset/incapable and I can only remember her voice being so so gentle and kind. I was younger than 9 at the time and it would have been 11-12 at night, I was on my own.
I remember telling her my dream job at 16 and can still hear her reply of ‘yes, I believe you’d be enormously good at that.’
Fast forward to last ten years, no contact since 2008 - mum then got diagnosed with dementia in 2022 (in her 50s… I promise this story gets better!), and I was clearing her house and found a photo of that lady and I, I am genuinely laughing out loud in it. There’s not many photos of me that age really smiling, but I am in that one.
Anyway I put the photo on FB back in March, someone recognised her and we got in touch within an hour 🥹, she said she was crying too and ‘so so so glad you found me again’, ‘lots of love’ etc . I am delighted though sad that I can’t tell mum.
I’m going to see her in 3 weeks for lunch, I am beyond nervous. She’s 80 now… What if I’m a let down? I’m worried she’ll just see my size (I’m size 22-24) and the fact that I don’t have a partner or kids. I do own my house and I do have my dream job, but I’m also thousands in debt (through overspending) and struggle with my confidence/social life and suffer with depression/ptsd (though I won’t tell her that) … I don’t want her to think my mum would be disappointed in me.
I’m also scared I’m remember too much. I still have nightmares sometimes about the phone calls and it’s something I try very hard to block out. What if hearing her voice means I have a panic attack. I’ve had a few tears already.
I’ve done 3 years of therapy so I think it shouldn’t destabilise me too much. But it does feel a very big thing.
What can I wear/do/say for extra confidence? I sometimes feel like I’m failing life and I don’t want her to think that.