Needing encouragement- im scared

[90sbaby123]

Just looking for support and encouragement really.

I fly in 2 days with my son. First time doing it alone just me and him. He is almost 10. I am petrified of flying and im trying to keep it together for him.

Any strategies or words of positivity would be lovely! I dont want my fears get in the way of us having a lovely time and I also dont want him to worry and see me scared! Our flight isnt long only 1.5 hrs.

I went through a phase of being scared of flying and what helped me was to allow myself ten minutes of fear after take off and as we landed.
literally set a timer and let yourself feel the fear until the time has elapsed.
i found i got bored feeling afraid - and stopped!

remember the crew also want to live - so watch their faces and tell yourself you can be afraid when they look afraid. They’re your mirror.

the FACT that if you drive to the airport, then once you have arrived your risk of death declines MASSIVELY also helped me. You won’t have sat in your car/the taxi going to the airport feeling afraid at every moment that the car might crash, yet that is statistically by far the most dangerous thing we do.

good luck

You'll be absolutely fine, you've got this! Is the journey you're mainly worried about? I think preparation key there, have you worked out where you're parking or how public transport will work - you can look up the route from the station or bus stop to check-in online so you know where you're going, although it's usually extremely well sign posted at most major airports. Lots of airports and airlines have little 'social story' type things on their website, they're meant for autistic children but I have to say I find them very reassuring as an anxious adult too, is that bad? Maybe look it up with your DS so you both have a good idea what to expect both going through the airport and on the plane itself (all the binging and binging etc which is completely normal but can be a bit scary if you're not expecting it).

Leave lots of time to get through the airport - I do 2 hours usually but if you're feeling nervous do 3. Make sure you've checked the regulations about hand luggage before hand and if your airport is still doing the clear plastic bags for liquids rule either put all your toiletries into checked baggage or have them ready in their bag at the top of your hand luggage. Don't worry if you manage to accidentally contravene a 'rule' at security (they seem to change them slightly every time, shoes on/shoes off, electronics in your bag/out of your bag, suitcases in trays/out of trays), they will tell you what to do, sometimes somewhat grumpily 😁 . Equally if your bag (or DS's gets pulled aside for an extra check don't panic, they check every tenth one or something, it just takes a bit of extra time.

Don't feel the need to rush to your gate the second it is up, they usually announce the gate at least 20 minutes before boarding actually commences, at the larger airports where it may be up to a 15 minute walk to your gate there will be signs explaining how far each gate is - unless we're in one of the furthest away ones I aim to start walking to the gate within about 5-10 mins of it being announced, don't dilly around too much as you don't want to be rushing with them calling your names over the tannoy but you have time to pay your bill if you've gotten food, go for a wee etc before heading to the gate... I also don't partake in the huge pre-emptive boarding queue that always forms, there's enough queuing at airports as it is so I usually sit at the gate but wait until the very end of boarding and aim to be one of the last on, they usually board by group anyway so if it's particularly important to you to be first on then pay for priority boarding. But IMO in general there's no particular benefit to being early on the plane, not like it takes off any earlier either way!

Enjoy your holiday!

You say “First time doing it alone just me and him” so I presume that you have flown before, just with another adult there?

If that’s the case, you know you can do it. You might not love your flight but you know you can endure it. It’s brief - a moment in time that you can get through. You don’t even have to do anything to endure it, just allow the time to pass.

One thing that might help in the moment is to plan and picture something tangible, specific and enjoyable that will happen later in the day. Something that is really easy to picture vividly. e.g. taking your son for ice cream in a cafe. When you find yourself worrying about and focusing on the flight, deliberately switch to imagining this instead. It can help to have a physical “switch” such as snapping your fingers, touching finger tip to thumb tip, or tapping your opposite forearm (something you can do easily and discreetly). When you do this, focus your efforts on picturing as much detail about this future scene as you can - the hairstyles of the other people in the cafe, what they are wearing, does the sun feel warm, where do the shadows fall, what smells are there… It is a good idea to practice a few times beforehand, like a meditation, including the physical cue. It’s important that it is something that will actually happen after the flight, rather than purely imaginary (even if the detail is imagined).

Also, have a discrete word with one of the cabin crew and explain that you are a “nervous flyer”. They won’t make a fuss but they will keep an eye out for you, and psychologically it can really help you know you have an ally (which is why you are currently feeling more nervous as just you and your son, than previously travelling with another adult).

I’ll probably get shot down in flames for this, but I’d treat myself to a glass of wine in the departure lounge.

Go on to Flight Radar (website) and zoom out to see the number of aeroplanes in the air. There are thousands! You are safer in an aeroplane than driving up the motorway!

I'm not the best flyer, but actually found when it's just me and my DD I had to just get on with it for her. Yet when I go with other adults I'm not anywhere near as good. You may find you're just better because there's no one else.

I still shut my eyes on takeoff until we've finished banking, but besides that it's all fine.

Keep chatting to your DS as you get on board. Get settled with snacks/book/whatever and then stick one AirPod in with some calming meditation/podcast/audio book, whatever is needed to get you up in the air and through it.

Long term you might want to look at hypnotherapy. My mum was a nervous flyer and would be knocking back a scotch or something with various meds ( beta blockers possibly). Weirdly when we were kids she
never let us see that she was scared. Since the hypnotherapy she’s been fine. Not super comfortable but well enough that she copes
ok and doesn’t need to medicate.

Hypnotherapy really works for this (and other phobias).

If you Google this before you go, you may find some helpful CBT tips from phobia specialists to get you through, in the short term.

I would also be open with your son about your fear. At 10 he is old enough to grasp the concept of phobias, if you explain it to him. Then you won't have the added stress of trying to appear totally normal to him. And if he's a good kid, he will be able to look out for you himself, to an age-appropriate extent obviously.

(DD's dad and I were open with her about our phobias from a young age, and she has always seemed to take them in her stride, and understand that they were irrational fears we couldn't help, rather than things one should genuinely be scared of).

This has crossed my mind! I do have some of that trip cbd. Ive only used it once when flying last year. I was with a load of adults then and they knew I was anxious so distracted me so much and it was absolutely fine. I think it might be because I dont have another adult to distract me that im feeling more anxious about the flying this time

Thank you, thats a really useful technique

Nope, if I wasn't scared of being intoxicated but sober at the same time from fear, I'd totally do the wine thing.

OP, I'm just like you. I flew with my DC when they were that age, internationally, and alone. I was terrified. But, once you do it, you realise it'll be okay. So, be brave for your DC and, if you can't find a strategy, "fake it til you make it," was my strategy!

I would say that it's okay to show fear but I hid my fear from my DC and then, thinking they were old enough to manage me around 15 years of age, I showed fear during turbulence and now one of my DCs are scared of flying where they weren't before.....

Have a great holiday!!!!

This has been the first time he has told me he is nervous flying himself so I don't want to add to this. He has been fine flying before but he is at the age of awareness so I feel I need to act like its ok to not make him panic :(

CanI recommended Love Fly podcasts? Really helped me.
https://www.lovefly.co.uk/help/

I used to put a hair bobble on my wrist and flick it, the pain distracted me during take off.

Thanks everyone for your advice, really lovely. Less than 24 hrs now!

You’re going to have such a good time @90sbaby123 The flight is such a small part of it. You can do it!