Feeling low in life as I have no friends at 33!

[Benny91]

Anyone on here have no friends? How do you cope? I’ve tried to make friends since birth, but they just become fake and don’t want anything to do with me! I was bullied at school and never made any friends during my school time at all! I’ve always tried to make friends, but most of the time they just don’t want any involvement with me!

what should I do? I find making friends at my age is quite hard and I also work a full time job and my colleagues are just work colleagues!

What do you mean by “they just become fake”? What things have you tried to make friends?

I'm exactly the same. I have one very good friend but all the others have disappeared! Its really knocked my confidence as I feel like it must be me!! I wish I had the answer

They just end up ignoring me and it’s then me putting in all the effort.

I think most people are just self interested these days. I have a few good friends, but other than people I try and befriend seem to either enjoy slagging others off to me or talk about themselves I find it really tideous.

I don’t have any friends either. I have social anxiety and am quite possibly neurodiverse so talking to people I don’t know well is difficult. It’s my own fault I don’t have friends because I haven’t even tried to make any in years as I find it so stressful it’s easier not to bother. I’ve learned to be content focusing on my family, though there is still a part of me that is very lonely and would love some friends.

(I’ll just put this out there. Never having been able to make friends most likely boils down to Neurodivergence. It’s like trying to order the same food as a group of people you are with. But they all have a different menu that you are not aware of)

My recommendation is to re assess what “friendship” means to you. Think about what it is you are looking for and how you would describe the difference between acquaintances and friends and best friends.
Why do you use the word “fake”? What is it that you feel that makes a friendship fake? Is it that they view things differently to you?

Have you any interests/hobbies? That’s practically the only way I’ve made friends since being an adult

I think it depends on what you think friendship is. If you expect other people to put you at the center of their thoughts all the time - I don't think that's any basis for friendship if that's all you expect - where you are little more than a constant drain on someone else's life - timewise, emotionally, practically. What do you intend to add to someone else's life? If you base your relationship on something other than the idea of one sided support - lets say you do something together - play badminton, swim, run, go the cinema, enjoy a country walk, knit, go to the same book club - then getting some support is often a bonus, a benefit - from a friendship - my point being you can't base a relationship on one person having all the needs and the other person in the role of an emotional and practical support - if all you expect is to subtract from someone's life then the friendship, IMHO, isn't going to work out as you hope. How do you cope? Primarily, you've got to learn to cope on your own - people are IMHO naturally more drawn to people who are basically stable and sorted - sure - everyone has their bad patches and unexpected sh!t happens and a few good friends can be worth their weight in gold - but only in the short term - not supporting someone else 24/7/365.

I think the majority of people have had times in their life or events in the past that have had a big impact on them at one time but not everyone feels the need to let it continue to define them as a person and totally consume their day to day life and future - some people do wake up to the fact that you don't have to carry your heavy emotional baggage around for life - life is short - cruelly short. Do you not know anyone that died young and maybe in tragic circumstances? These events can shape the way you look at your own life. I know it might seems like a I'm being a little hard and unsympathetic - what can I say - it's just my opinion, my outlook - every day is so damn precious - don't waste a single one dwelling on things you can't change or control, things in the past. I'd take a look at yourself - perhaps see if you can find any kind of talking therapy - talk to your GP - the problem, may well be down to what you expect from friendship.

@corkscissorschalk that's only one of many possible reasons and of course complex problems don't always have one simple cause - it can be a combination of things.

I don’t have any friends either and I’m younger than you. I like my own company a lot so I think that’s how I deal with it. Honestly I don’t think I have one friend. It’s more common than you think to not have loads of friends.

I think things like bank holidays and summer evenings always make you feel a bit depressed and inadequate unless you are j the hub of things. For me anyway

Yes not easy. A hobby can be good. People more flaky now op you say a date and silence. Got tired of it. I keep busy now or go to cinema I dont wait around for people.. Ive prob 3 friends max. My dd on sports team good friends through that

I can honestly say I think I put in more effort with every single one of my friends
I don't really have a group of friends, Instead I have lots of individuals I have picked up over the years. I have maintained friendships by travelling to see them, going to things that fit in with their life/children/responsibilities.
I don't care that I make more effort. I enjoy their company and I know they are there for me.
Maybe your friends might be similar? You might be the one having to make the effort because your friends have kids etc so it means it's easier for you to fit into their life than vice versa?

op it’s tricky, Infind it tricky to navigate friendships as Im very insecure and always questioning whether they actually like me!
Inthunk we should join some groups. I like support groups and have made friends there x

@Lizzbear what do you mean by support groups please?

@Benny91 generally I think people just aren't up for it anymore. I have just come back from the pub with some people I know locally, but I'm now very careful about describing people as friends.

This with flaps on. Many people are so self absorbed. I was listener for 30 years and could not be this way anymore. Ive taught myself to not care as much but it does hurt.
All the best to you OP.

Don't worry OP - same boat here!

I've always tried my best, but come to the conclusion that I must be neurodivergent and differ a bit to the social circles I find myself in.

My parents were privately educated/boarded, my husband boarded. I went to a state school (loved it, and was so proud to be a student there). I've since had children and have naturally found it appropriate to try and branch out, not least for my children's sake.

I've come to realise that people often have different values/outlooks/morals/ways of being and that it's okay. I tend to just stay quiet now and enjoy their company from the sidelines.

Our children will go to private school in the next couple of years but honestly, I feel so exhausted from trying to socialize I'll just stay on the periphery again.

I'm fortunate in that I adore the company of my immediate family and husband... I'm just billy no mates besides that! Hahaha.

Honestly, I now keep people at arms length.

I have two friends I meet up with for coffee about once a month. I don’t want it to be closer then that and we don’t tend to talk in between meetings except maybe a fceboook like.

this is because over the course of my life I have had 3 really close friends, and it’s been absolutely devastating when that friendship came to an end.

after the second friendship came to an end I was really upset and said I wasn’t going to let someone get that close again. Then I made friends with the third one by accident really bit by bit, and eventually re learned my lesson! It was upsetting for all the kids as well they really missed each other.

I don’t think I’m ment to have really close friends, but for the main part I don’t miss it at all.

most of us work full time now , and it’s hard enough to fit in time with the other half and sort out any kid issues- if I have a free afternoon I want to spend it in silence- not talking to or doing a favour for someone in the name of friendship!

I realise I sound like a right grumpy old lady. But that’s probably because I am 🫣

I always made friends quite easily in the past but always individually, never a group thing - I suspect I’m neurodivergent as I’m not comfortable at all in a crowd.

Sadlt all these friendships were lost over the years due to relocation or just different phases of life like our children growing up and no longer having that common link.

I do like my own company but Bank holidays can be tough when you hear life going on around you.

I’m thinking of doing some volunteering to meet new people - I’m on the road to retirement now so definitely need to refocus.

@BurntBroccoli I do wonder if retirement age will make these things easier but I have met people

I just find that they're very much in with their families so friendship is really just casual acquaintances you can go to the pub with. After reading post on here, I feel like I've learned a lot about friendship but I do also wonder if some people will avoid a single woman with no family because they don't want to be your emergency person or whatever.

I think people who meet me would say I am a sociable friendly person. During my career I have made lots of ‘friends’ but very few who I would call close. I’m now retired and I keep in touch with maybe five or six. I have never tried to make friends. I think as other people have said shared interests, joining groups and being open without appearing needy is a possible way to meet new friends. I think life can make it hard to maintain friendships ( probably a good reason not to have too many). A few years ago I decided I must learn to be happy in my own company as none of us know what the future holds. I think friends can be good but on your terms.

I’m not questioning your effort, but are you trying to make the “right” friends? My sister is in her early 40s. She was never bullied, but she has also never been able to maintain friendships. She always blames other people for it and has never questioned whether she might be part of the problem or why people don’t want to stay close to her long term.
She is lovely and kind, but sometimes I feel she can come across as a bit boring. She doesn’t have many different interests, so conversations can feel limited. She can also seem pretentious at times and very stuck in her own ways. She gets along very well with colleagues, but she has never managed to build deep friendships. I loved her deeply and want to be happy that’s I always told her to think why people don’t want to build long term relationships with her before blaming them.