Please help me, I don't know what to do with DS (19) Trigger warnings inside.

[PifflyHigs]

TW for Sh/suicide/CSA

Please be kind, I know this is the vipers nest 😉 but please try.

At age 15 DS disclosed COC-SA when he was primary age. It was reported and caused a big upheaval in his life.

He did his GCSEs (we knew he was dyslexic at this point) and applied for college. He completed college uneventfully but with an outcome less than predicted. Just as the summer holidays started after his last term he came to me and told me he had been suffering badly and planned to end his life. This was the reason he 'gave up' towards the end of college and didn't get the results he wanted. He assumed he wouldn't be around and had a detailed suicide plan which still haunts me to think of. He was self harming.

We took him to the GP. He was put on medication and refered for therapy (which he ultimately refused when it came down to it)

The GP said she felt DS had some very strong ND traits and he was assesed as autistic (and his report strongly recommended we test for ADHD but he didn't want to) I always just thought he was a quirky child.

I believe he also has some cognitive impairments, maybe a behavioural age delay thing too as he is not like any other 19yo I have ever known. He is extremely immature and just just not understand social boundaries.

At this point I myself was diagnosed with a serious physical illness and could no longer work. DS helped me so much and us spending time together helped him too. He was still struggling massively himself and as he was just home we applied for universal credit for him (money was an issue for the family in general) At his signing on meeting we explained the situation, my issues, his issues and we were advised to register DS as my carer as he was helping me navigate my illness and it would turn off his looking for work commitments (I would like to point out here that she said the alternative would be him applying for sickness benefits himself which would be a lot more money than the £50 a week he gets for caring) but because he was already caring for me 35hrs and he didn't want to go through the process hilself we chose that route.

He is now 19 and I just do not know what to do.
He is still my carer. He helps me with all manner of things from shopping, to cleaning and managing household things but all with strict direction from myself. He is like a zombie and just doesn't seem to be able to think for himself really :(
He has started to drink aline in his room. He doesn't leave the house unless its with me. He would sleep all day if I didn't wake him.
He has zero social skills and sweats non stop when we are outside the house.

He still feels like he doesn't want to be here but is taking his medication regularly.

I don't know what to do. I feel like it is getting to the point where he is unable to care for me any longer as he is not well enough to do so and I worry that the pressure of being a young carer is adding to his mental health issues but at the same time caring for me is the only thing that gets him out of bed,out of the house and in any sort of routine.

If I report him as no longer caring for me his work commitments will turn on immediately and I know that right now he is not capable of a full time job. So he would have to close his UC account and would have no income at all.

I have talked to him about the future and what henwould like to do but he has no interest in anything but dog grooming. He loves animals and has latched onto that.

But he can't do that, I have looked into it and it costs thousands to train, its not really something you can get help with, most dog groomers are self employed and do not tend to hire other groomers. Its highly competitive and he would not be able to rent a shop on his own and we live in a council property and would not be allowed to run a business from here and have a tiny postage stamp garden. So we couldn't build a grooming shed.

I am heartbroken for my son and have no idea how to help him or support him to find something he wants to do.

He does love animals but so many animal related jobs are heavy on customer service and good communication with owners which he is just not good at. His autism is very heavy on the 'not understanding social cues' and his ability to chat with people is very poor, he is very robotic in his mannerisms.
I really don't think, even though he is great with animals, he comes across as someone you would be greatly confident leaving your animal with. If that makes sense? As lovely as I know he is. As I am his mum.

We applied for him to do some volunteering at an animal shelter but have not heard anything back. He filled in the form himself andnin hindsight I shoulf have helped him as I'm not sure what he wrote or how well he presented himself on paper.

I really just want him to have a part time job and get out and socialise a little more and have a better routine but do not know how to help him achieve that?

Could he approach the job centre whilst caring and get some help/advice about trying to move on to some sort of training or part time work without losing his carer status right away? A sort of guided transition. Is that something they provide?

As much as I do need the help I feel like if we carry on in this current arrangement long term he is going to get stuck and just be unemployable and I don't want him to waste away in his bedroom through what should be the best years of his life.

Also his older brother who has a good work history and social abilities lost his job in February and he has not been able to find another job since, despite being at the job centre 3 x a week, doing various employability and reatil courses and filling out masses of applications (just retail. Nothing specialist) so I don't know how DS2 has any chance at all :(

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sexual abuse as a child generally has a very big impact on the person.

you might find it helpful to do some reading around the topic as many children who are sexually abused whether by adults or by peers have MH issues some of which can be lifelong.

Depression anxiety self harm and suicidal ideation are extremely common.

i’d suggest getting in touch with a charity that works in this area because it’s extremely common for this sort of thing to persist for many years afterwards.

some survivors also have ptsd.

has he had any therapy?

Much more informed posters about his MH struggles will post, but i have some thoughts on the animal care front.

I would encourage/help him apply again to volunteer. Look up all and any animal care facilities or wild animal rescue shelters within your area and ask if they would be willing to offer him a place, not in a customer facing role, but in a daily animal care duties role, as a mental health step forward for him.

I would be honest about this - you might find reaching out in this way sparks a response.

💐 for you both. I hope you can find a way forward.

Could he reapply to the local animal sanctuary as a volunteer, with your help, to get some experience and references. It might also be worth seeing if there are other local charities who could offer him support- near me there is a farm which employs adults with mental health issues and training opportunities for young adults in animal related industries. Could he do an online animal care course? Maybe offer dog walking or daycare for one for in your home for experience and a small income?

I feel huge sympathy for you both.

In the north of the county where I live there is a charity which runs a very small farm. It has been set up for young adults with cognitive problems, and they do all aspects of animal care (goats, sheep, chickens and pigs I think) plus other things like cooking and other activities. Is there anything like that near where you live? It's difficult because your son sounds competent in most ways, but he does need help. As do you. You say he is your carer - is this a burden you can take from him? He can still be very useful if he wants to be, but maybe if he can develop outside interests while you are getting help from outside yourself that might help both of you. It must be incredibly stressful for you. If you apply for attendance allowance that should help you to pay for outside help.

Could he do a dog grooming apprenticeship? Then there may be the opportunity of him carrying on working at the place he trains.
There are several online colleges that offer dog grooming apprenticeships. It might be worth him looking in to if that’s what he is passionate about.

There are a few funded dog groping courses Sparsholt College in Hampshire is one. There are also apprenticeships they are often not advertised so it is worth sending his CV to parlours particular to corporates like the groom room in PAH and Dogwood in Pets Corner.

Have you looked at the college of animal welfare for dog grooming courses?I would also suggest dog walking as a possible job?

Contact your local authority's adult social care department. He is entitled to ask for a Care Act assessment given the autism diagnosis and there may be a service focused on employment and developing independence skills that he could benefit from.

I'm so sorry you are both dealing with this, I don't have personal experience but wanted to share something that might give you a few ideas.

Our local dog walker is autistic and it sounds like he has a similar 'robotic' style of communication to your DS. He's lovely - always arrives on time, loves our dog and brings our dog back happy. He started his business just with a Facebook page. I wonder if this is something your DS could look into? While he would have to communicate with dog owners, a lot of it is via Whatsapp (if we or he need to change a day etc) and the rest is just a two minute chat at the door when he picks up and drops off the dog. I know that a couple of clients leave him a key and he never even sees them.

He did a degree in animal behaviour which might also interest your DS? Studying could be something that gives him so focus and hope for the future rather than the world of work. I know you said college previously didn't work out, but doing something with animals could be more engaging and there are animal management courses less challenging than a degree too if you/he wanted to ease into it.

I second this. I'm a social worker for people with autism. In my area we could sign post him to the voluntary service or employment service and could also signpost him to social groups, dependant on his needs we may also be able to provide an service to work with him for a couple of months building his confidence up to go independently or a long term care package to get him there. There's nothing specific in my area for people who have experienced sexual abuse but there may be in your area.
In terms of employment, check online or with citizens advice. If he is working and earning under a certain amount he can still claim carers allowance.

https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work

Support here.

He sounds horribly depressed. It's a helpless situation.
Are there any groups for autistic people in your area? My eldest has been helped a lot since he joined these groups.
Its not a fix for everything, but its something. Its a place to start.

'I believe he also has some cognitive impairments, maybe a behavioural age delay thing too as he is not like any other 19yo I have ever known.'

How did he get on in school,how is he managing day to day tasks at home?