Struggling to accept a healthy weight after years of eating disorders

[ArwenUndomniel]

I'm posting here with some trepidation because the eating disorders board is a bit quiet, so I hope people will be understanding.

I have suffered from eating disorders most of my adult life. From about the middle of last year I became quite underweight - I won't go into specifics with weight or BMI but it was noticeable and I ended up being referred for treatment.

I've now got back into the "healthy" BMI category, still at the lower end, but no longer markedly thin.

The thing is, I really hate my "healthy" body. Having been used to the thinness, I just feel huge and grotesque, like an upright pig or something. My thighs look enormous to me and I can't fit into the clothes I wore when I was at my most ill. Objectively I know that I can't really be fat and that other people see me differently from how I see myself, but I just can't "see" my own body any more.

I have started falling back into the old ways because this body doesn't feel like me, and I want the underweight version of myself back again. How on earth do I see myself as a slim, healthy woman like other people seem to?

I’m saying this as someone without ED expertise, but do you have a relapse plan or ongoing support?

You need support from a therapist to help reframe how you think about yourself.

What helped you to weight restore in the first place?

@PermanentTemporary no, I didn't finish the treatment so there was no plan for what would happen afterwards. I could re-refer myself back to the service but the model of therapy really wasn't working for me.

@DoAWheelie there isn't much available where I am, or at least not of the sort that I think would help me. I'd have to pay privately and I don't really have the resources for that right now.

@Hassell in all honesty it wasn't something I had much control over. I had an period of several weeks where I couldn't stop binging and the weight just crept back on. It's hard for me to think of it as weight restoration because it felt so out of control and self harming.

I wonder if some of this comes from how quickly you restored your weight and that, from what you say, you weren't restoring in a controlled way, you suffered bingeing during that period - you haven't had time to adjust to a body that is at a healthy weight, or eating a normal, healthy balanced diet over a sustained period, so everything is still an alien landscape and looks strange to you.

I hope you will be able to maintain your healthy body without needing to binge to restore lost weight, and that time will bring the 'correction' to what you see in the mirror, a slim, healthy woman

These feelings are more likely to go away if you reach a truely healthy weight. Lower end of normal is not high enough to fully recover and you will still be fighting restrictive thoughts. My daughter is a recovered (touch wood) anorexic and had a lot of treatment (edited to add that none of the treatment worked) . Biologically you are not considered recovered until you have a BMI of 20 and your periods have returned (if you lost them).

my daughter thought she was recovered but her BMI was hovering around 18 for ages. When she finally hit 20 it was like a switch flicked and the reatrictive thoughts almost completely disappeared. She hated the way she looked with a BMI of 18 but is happy at 20.

I know this won’t be what you want to hear. Honestly, I get it having lived through it with my daughter. The thought of having to gain weight for her was horrific. She ended up on anti anxiety meds and I think that combined with a new start at university (which I was tertified about and it could have gone either way) was what led to her fully weight restoring.

only you know what will allow you to weight restore but you do need to do it or else you will be trapped forever in this miserable existing state where food occupies almost every waking thought.