Online 'friendship' feels one sided and draining, should I step back?

[Saywhatnowhey]

I say 'friend' because I have never actually met this woman in RL.

I have some health issues and we would regularly chat on a IBS support group as we had very similar symptoms, she would then start private messaging me and over time we ended up swapping Whatsapp details and it has gone on from there.

That was about 8 years ago.

I am all for a supportive online friendship but I often feel this is quite one-sided and I am getting a bit pee'd off because whist I am doing my utmost to try to control my symptoms (I have other health issues apart from the IBS) she keeps eating all the foods she knows upsets her and will then message me at all times of the day telling me she's on the loo and feeling awful etc and then comes the sad face emoji etc. I am getting a bit fed up seeing messages like 'Oh my God, on the loo, again, feel dreadful, so pissed off with myself" and "I've eaten a hamburger, half a block of cheese, a milky coffee and cauliflower cheese, feel terrible, why do you think I have diarrhoea and this awful upper chest pain?" - these are all foods she knows most likely trigger her symptoms and the kind of things I steer well clear of as they would make me feel so unwell. Of course, I reply with sympathy and gentle suggestions that she would be better staying away from these foods but she never seems to learn. But then, when she is having a better time I won't hear from her for several weeks.

I am going through a dreadful time atm, alongside my own health issues I also care for mum mum who is in the advanced stages of dementia, my friend knows this but as soon as I mention how bad my day has been with mum or other issues such as Tuesday when I was feeling very emotional because DH's good friend died from cancer at just 55 she never responds to my messages at all, not even a simple 'Oh, I am so sorry' or a sad or heart emoji....nothing and then a hour later I receive a comical Tik Tok video about someone rushing off to the loo because they've eaten their nemesis foods - she never reads the room.

DH says I should just block her and move on but I am such a sensitive and caring person that I feel dreadful at the thought of just blocking her from my text, WA and all social media platforms, she will know I have done this as I regularly post on the support groups.

Do I need to accept that this is probably a very one-sided support relationship and move on? Have you ever had to block someone? I just hate the thought of doing it.

Listen to your husband.

if she has problems, refer her back to her gp and ibs organisation’ and then don’t respond to her messages, or only once a week. Yog’re not obliged to. I think you’ve come to realise she’s a drama llama and/or you can’t help her.(and yes, one sided)

Thanks for that, I know deep down I need to just go for it as it's annoying me now tbh, I'm just crap at this sort of thing.

She literally has no boundaries, mute the conversation check in once a week or something if you want but don't respond to random on the toilet messages, your husband is right but if you can't block her then you need to restrict her. You are likely a people pleaser and worried she will be upset with you and not like you, even though she is irritating you.

Tell her you are uninstalling WhatsApp as you cant be bothered with it anymore and then block her

Yes this, although she might just text instead.

Agree with your husband.

Yea, sadly that's exactly what I am like, I hate upsetting people. I need to change that, I know.

It doesn’t need to be a case of two extremes - responding to everything or blocking her completely. You can put boundaries in. Others have suggested muting the chat and only responding every now and then. Also, you could call her out on her behaviour and ask why she doesn’t respond to your messages when you need support. You could see how this works for you and if you are still finding yourself irritated and worn down by the friendship, tell her so and that you don’t want continue the friendship. I don’t think I’d block someone with no explanation. You wouldn’t be wrong to end a friendship that doesn’t work for you.

It isn't easy but being assertive will help you greatly. Setting your line will be a relief for you.

Have you had video calls, or just written messages? Because my first thought was that this might just be a dirty man getting off on all the toilet chat.

Either way, I would block too. They're not adding anything pleasurable to your life.

Just tell her you're struggling yourself at the moment and not able to continue providing support/messaging for a while. If she continues to message, leave them on read. Maybe take a break from social media for a while so you're not posting on the IBS forum where she can see it.