Would You Say You Are Generally The One To Initiate Things More In Your Friendships?

[MarmaladeSandwich7]

I just read an article about this, specifically friendships as we get older, and it resonated with me. I have quite a few friends with varying degrees of closeness but it’s rare for many of them to suggest doing something, although they are happy to meet if I come up with plans. The article was saying about experimenting & just waiting for the other person to contact you first - it can go on for weeks! Some of my friends will say “ We must get together soon” then nothing happens unless I text them with possible dates. If I really think about it, I only have a couple of friends that initiate meet ups.

I have a group of half a dozen friends. We're all in our late 50s/early 60s and I would say we all take an equal share in arranging things except for one person. She used to be the most enthusiastic organiser until about a year ago and then just stopped doing it. She went through a hard time in her life and I think she probably just thought she'd had enough and would enjoy being invited instead.

Yes, I'd never leave the house otherwise.

have you got a link to the article, I’d be interested in reading it? I definitely initiate a lot more!

I initiate more with some and less with others, it varies.

I’m always baffled by how much of a source of resentment this is on Mn. Surely it’s axiomatic that if you want contact with your friends, you initiate it? The friends who don’t initiate contact aren’t any less your friends, they just have less need for contact.

Anyone else?

Right, but if you end up with multiple friendships that would just die if you stopped initiating, then clearly these people aren't really friends are they? Or can someone be a friend without ever actually seeing or contacting their supposed friend?

That's the stage I'm at tbh OP, sick and tired of always getting the impression that they other party cares so little they would rather let it die than actually make any effort.

I think its more me but I think thats because im disabled so for years I would say no to things as wouldn't know if it would be a good day or bad day. I was just really unavailable

I think it’s not so much about contact as about actually receiving invitations from friends. Generally it’s much more likely that I will be doing the inviting & sometimes the arranging too eg booking tickets, collecting payments etc.
I have been surprised by who steps up for me in tricky times. It hasn’t always been who I thought would be there for me. True friends are rare & should be treasured.

Unfortunately it was one of those random pop up things on Facebook @cvgji so I don’t have a link.

I admit, im usially not the instigator in my friendship group. My reasons for that are that I am time poor, so only tend to think of things either way in the future in which case my friends who holiday a lot with family or have other friendship groups dont want to commit or very last minute, by which point someone else has probably already suggested something.

Yes I’m usually the instigator of going out for meals and concerts. Maybe I’m more needy than my freinds. It’s just the roles we have fallen into. Some freinds I see monthly. Some yearly and some less than that but they are still my freinds. One friend organises weekends away and we all appreciate that and she enjoys the organising.

I don’t analyse my friendships. Just know that were a pretty diverse group and some are closer than others and enjoy all the time we do spend together and give them time space and support as and when needed.

I stopped bothering when I went through a real rough patch and reliesed some of these so called friends weren’t there for me but expected me to be there for them at a drop of a hat.
I do have some very good friends who do make a effort despite living across country yet the ones who live in the same village moan because I’ve stopped making a effort. It’s not worth your energy or time op.

Thats exactly the attitude I don’t get. You do you. People have different needs for contact. I mean there are all kinds of things in life that you may do grudgingly because you should (exercise when you’re not feeling like it, clean the house, see your dental hygienist), but do you really see getting in touch with friends as a necessary chore? Just so you’re ’making the effort’?

I think its true that if someone doesn't ever try to make plans with you and you have to do all the running then they're not really your friend - I don't mind organising stuff but I do like to feel its reciprocated and they also want to see me

But you don’t have to do anything. If you want to see them, or would like their company at something, then you contact them. If you don’t want to see them, don’t. It’s not a chore. It doesn’t make you the better person.

Yeah but equally if they want to see me then they can contact me, it shouldn't be a one way street to organise things