I genuiely don't want presents but....

[Boxcan]

I'm not a present person. The last thing I want is something "thoughtful" which at best isn't quite what I wanted. I don't like stuff and as such much prefer to spend (my own) money on doing something than having something.

For years, gift buying in my family has basically involved sending each other Amazon links, which is all a bit of a nonsense, but fulfils my mother's need to get everyone 'something".

I'm also rubbush at buying presents, probably because I don't get how important they are to some people.

So, when I first got together with DP, not long before Christmas, and we were talking about a New Year trip away, I suggested making that our Christmas present to each other. I was very happy with that at the time, it saved me time and money on a proper present for him, was something I'd like more than a physical gift and it removed the risk of receiving something I felt obliged to use/keep but did't like. Also wondering what was apropriate to spend in a new relationship.

Since then all our birthdays and Christmas have been marked in a similar way. A jointly financed trip at Christmas and a treat at birthdays. I bought him a concert (that I will also attend) this year. He's talking me out for dinner.

This is where the but comes in. Usually we pay 50/50 for dinner and this will be his treat for my birthday, and we'll go somewhere more special than usual, but dinner feels like something you have on top of a present?

I don't really know why I'm feeling ungrateful, the concert wasn't expensive and a good dinner will probably cost more.

If you go out for dinner fairly regularly (assuming so if you usually pay 50/50) then I agree, it’s just a normal thing to do, rather than a ‘gift experience’ like a concert or a trip away.
Can you suggest something else you’d like to do instead, so that you could then go to dinner after?

I’m struggling to understand why this is a sticking point when it’s a nicer than usual restaurant. Why not just tell him how you feel? This seems such a needless thing to get stuck on

It's not a sticking point. I'm just pondering why I feel bit off about it when I created the situation.

Is it because a dinner doesnt feel that special to you, because eating out is not high on your list of what you value experientially? Did you choose the dinner option or was it him? You could go back and say Id rather choose a gig, show, or an event etc for my birthday.

He suggested dinner for my birthday and asked me where I wanted to go - I told him to surprise me, probably because I wanted yim to make some effort but I'm confident he'll make a good choice.

Just say that you would like to start doing presents for birthdays. You could set a realistic budget. Buying presents (tickets or an actual thing) is a nice thing and means that someone is putting some thought into it.

So he suggested it and you said yes, the problem doesn’t seem to be him, not that there is one. Why can’t you say you’ve rethought it and could he pick an activity instead?