Help me stick to boundaries

[Lilypad789]

Please don’t post on social media as it feels too personal.

Please tell me how you set and (more importantly) stick to boundaries with people that you love very much and do not want to hurt, because I am failing miserably!

I wrote a post a while ago about what I perceive as rude and entitled behaviour, because it’s more than one person that I’ve been encountering this with, it got on top of of me and I felt really fed up. Importantly, some of the people doing this are people that I love and don’t want to hurt. I also know that they are good people so I don’t believe it is designed to hurt me but I actually am struggling a lot! A lot of the feedback I got was that I am allowing people to treat me this way and that I need to set boundaries. I felt I had already started this with most people in general and a couple of people that I am very close to. My issue is, what do you do if they don’t respect the boundary you set?

Example: today, I was doing someone a favour. The needed something from me to be returned to them. I did not want this to turn into them being at the house past midday as I have a young child who wanted to go out and was bored from being stuck in over the weekend. So I pre-empted this and offered to return the item myself in the morning, thus being in control of how long this took and having the rest of the day free. I also offered to return it later in the afternoon after our plans had taken place if this wasn’t suitable for them. I stated that I was going out and gave them a time that we would be going out. They wanted to come and get the item (difficult without outing myself but almost impossible to say no). They then were running a little late so it was getting close to the time I wanted to go out so I felt anxious. They then stayed slightly later than the time I said I wanted to go out. How do you manage that? How do you say to someone that you love ‘I said we were going out.’ without hurting their feelings? I can’t always say that we have something booked because they would know it isn’t true. My stomach is in knots thinking about even saying it but surely it’s just common sense that if someone says they’re going out then you make a move quickly or arrive in enough time not to impede on people plans. Instead we’re sat there with me feeling a little resentful and like they just don’t care about my needs at all when I should be able to enjoy their company. It’s like saying ‘I don’t want you here any longer.’ But I also deserve to be able to get on with my day don’t I? The favour kind of meant me being home right in the middle of the day yesterday and today which obviously isn’t ideal with a young child who wants to go out.

Do you think going to their home and staying a very long time (uncomfortably long) would help them to realise?

Op, just say what you will be doing. For example: I will be at yours at x hour to drop this off as we have other things to do. No other options given, as they clearly don’t care.
If they come to you at another time you can choose not to open the door or just say : we are on our way out, here is your thing. Next time come at the agreed time.

assertiveness is key here

Do you think they really don’t care? I’m trying to be careful what I say but this example is of someone that I know loves me. I’m starting to wonder if there’s some sort of ASD because when I type it out I can hear that it is selfish and so obviously not fair on their part but how can someone that close to me not see that? Or maybe they do see it and they don’t care but that’s awful to believe. Perhaps because I always try and act breezy about everything when I really should be showing my annoyance. I am second guessing myself all the time. It shouldn’t matter how close this person is to me right? If I’ve said I want to go out at a certain time then that should be respected regardless of who it is right? It’s not like at I said 9am and gave them an inconvenient task.

I am reading a book at the moment that is about the 12 executive tasks. Time management is one of them and maybe they are weak in that skill. Have they always been like that?
However, that does not take away from how that makes you feel. Sometimes honesty is better than try to people please and make you feel bad about yourself in the long run. A frank discussion is what needs to tske place here, specially if they are family. If they love you like you say, they will understand your new found boundaries.

Thank you. I think it is just that they’ve probably never experienced similar things themselves and so they don’t recognise how it might affect someone.

You are bending over backwards to accommodate these people, and are so scared of saying anything to offend them you are letting them walk all over you.

Everyone has their own priorities, and theirs are different to yours. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, their mind is just elsewhere.

In your example when they arrived to pick up the thing I’d have handed it over and told them they just caught me on my way out. If people overstay their welcome I’d explain I had somewhere I needed to be, lovely to see them but I need to get moving.

If you aren’t clear about what you need, they don’t know.