I think widow wants to ask me about her late DH

[Whattodoaboutthis123]

In a bit of a quandary, and hoping for suggestions or advice.
An acquaintance, Linda, has contacted me out of the blue to meet for coffee next week.

We are both widowed and our husbands were friends, but we only met on a few occasions, had little in common, and never socialised.
My social life isn’t great at present and I agreed to meet as am trying to get out more.
A chance meeting with a third person where I mentioned this has made alarm bells ring, and I’m a bit worried.
Unfortunately Linda’s husband was a serial cheater. He always had another woman in the background. My DH never went into detail, didn’t really approve, but never tried to interfere.

I’m now aware that she has somehow found out about at least one of the women and I’m worried she wants to ask me awkward questions.
I don’t know how to react. I don’t know many details, I never asked.
I don’t want to get involved, but if I was in her position I would want to know.
I can only think that it might be best to postpone our meeting until an unspecified later date, and then never reschedule. It might make things awkward when we next see each other, but it seems a better option.

perhaps she thinks that you were one of the other women?
why can't you meet her and just be honest, you don't know much about it, he was your DH's friend, he disapproved but didn't interfere
that would be kind and you may turn out to like her

I don't think there's much use in dredging up the past here. Especially as it may cause you problems. I would be tempted to meet with her but to rehearse some firm responses for of/when she brings this up.

'oh I don't really know anything about that, bill was friends with him, I didn't know him well, did you want your coffee decaf?'

Obviously you don't owe her your time at all.

Yes. I agree with the others. Meet her but if she starts this line of questioning, her husband was your DH’s friend and you were not aware of his movements.

You can do exactly as Lucky Dog has said and say you have never heard anything about that. Your husband wasn’t the sort to gossip, but would have disapproved if he thought a friend of his was being unfaithful.

Maybe also tell her to focus her energies on her own happy memories and on her own future now, rather than things that might upset her or taint the past.

I would say as the others you was not told anything. No point dredging up the past as it isnt going to do anything than cause hurt. You aren't responsible for sharing anything and thos would be kind.

I'd meet her. If she wants to meet you to ask you about this, she obviously knows or at least strongly suspects, already. Yes it's awkward, but it doesn't sound like she's going to be "Jimmy was such a lovely man, only had eyes and hands for me all these years" and you're going to have to burst her bubble. I also, from what you've said, doesn't sound like you will have tell her that he was cheating with you for years. Therefore, you'll only be telling her what she knows, and will just be a listening ear.

I'm sorry for your loss

I'd meet, but put timeline 'I really must be off by 1pm' so you have a quick out if needed. If you don't meet, you will never know what she wanted and it will drag along in your mind. It might be something completely different she wants to discuss?

Id just say I didnt know anything about if if she asked i think.

perhaps she thinks that you were one of the other women?

OMG. That had not occurred to me. I couldn’t stand him, but she wouldn’t know that.

I don’t know many details but I do know ( well my DH told me) that he also used prostitutes.

It’s quite a bombshell to drop.

You make a good point. It might not be anything to do with her DH.

The main problem with me meeting her is that if she does ask me about him I know that I am not a good liar, and would find it hard to say I didn’t know.

He died relatively young and their children are late teens / early twenties, and I don’t know if they have any idea.

Just be up front with her about what you do know. There’s no point in lying.

Don’t not meet up with her because of this. Would be sad if people avoided her because of her cheating late husband. Might not be anything to do with that and if it does come up then just be honest that you don’t know much.

I'd be inclined to truthfully answer any questions. If she's going out of her way to ask you questions, the least you can do is answer them as honestly as possible. Don't volunteer anything not explicitly asked for though!

I sort of agree that if she asks it’s because she does want to know, but I don’t think she has any idea of the extent of his wrongdoing.
Whilst I don’t know lots of details my DH did mention some of the ‘worst’ cases. He and the friend actually fell out over one, as it was a member of Linda’s family.

the poor woman
she may need a health check
and she has relatively young children- it may come as a shock to them too if zhe chooses to share

say your DH knew you weren’t comfortable with anything like that so it was a subject you never discussed

She may just want to meet up because you’ve both been widowed and she’s looking for a bit of support from someone who has been through what she’s going through. If that’s a possibility please meet her. It meant the world to my mum to be able to speak to a fellow recently widowed woman after my dad died.

I'd meet with her and answer her questions truthfully but only tell her what she asks to know. No unasked for details or information. She'll be trying to make sense of things. It's very sad.

You could be right. Her husband died about 2 years before mine though, and my DH has been gone for nearly 2 years.

I’d be vague if she asks just say you don’t really k ow as he was dhs friend. If she presses say dh mentioned he was unfaithful but never gave any details

If this is the reason she wants to meet, it sounds like she’s looking for closure. I’d be honest about what I knew. I know if I were the one looking for answers, I’d be very grateful for someone’s honesty.

This. It is interesting how supposed close friends and family won't be honest about things after the event. For me, the event was divorce not death. The number of people who told me post-divorce how they hadnt liked this that and everything about my ex. He wasnt easy but he helped people and that all seemed to get forgotten.

But do wait to hear what she says. I was on the receiving end of a similar situation. It was horrible. Former work colleague and his wife lived nearby. When I was on maternity leave he suggested meeting up for a coffee as he was no longer working. It turned out he was long-term terminal. We met a couple of times after - I always asked about his wife to meet up all of us for a meal, and about his DC as I knew the family. Nothing booked. He died - I didnt know. Then I met the widow at a function a few months later. It turned out I had been on his list of people to invite to the funeral - I always received Christmas cards and she knew the name of my road (mutual friends) but hadnt been able to find my details for the funeral invitation. There was a very off atmosphere - her friends at this function were glaring daggers at me. He had never been inappropriate with me nor me with him. But quite clearly she or they thought something was off. It wasnt. A different situation to yours - your DH seemed to know a lot about his infidelities. I just wish my ex-work colleague's wife had just asked. I would have told her clearly and plainly there was not a relationship. So be kind and see what she has to say.

I did think that she might want closure, but I very much doubt that me telling her what I know will help with this.
It could be devastating and cause a rift with her family member.
If I do go ahead and meet her I need to decide whether to say I know nothing, give a little information in response to a direct question, or tell her everything.
If he had just been having an affair with one person, or even several one after the other it would be less of a dilemma.

I think you will probably be able to get some idea of what she already knows and what she wants from the conversation. As PPs have already said, she may just want to catch up because she's lonely, knows you are also widowed and so have something in common. Or she may have specific questions. I'd try to let her talk and follow her lead.
If she really has no idea about her husband and is talking about him like some kind of saint I'd smile and let her talk rather than say "But you do know he was shagging half the town?" You don't need to lie and say what a great guy he was but don't day much, and change the subject. I'm not sure that bursting her bubble now would do much good if she is genuinely oblivious. But I don't think that's common. The few women I know who have had serially unfaithful husbands have all known something. It's probably more likely that she at least has some suspicions and she might make some general comments in which case your answer could be something like "Well DH did say he'd heard that he was seeing other women but I don't know a lot. To be honest he was DH's friend not mine". But if she comes out with "Look, I know he had an affair with Mary at number 28, was he sleeping with Susan next door too?" I'd probably say yes, you'd heard that too. I think she'll tell you in some way what she knows and what she wants.