Avoiding friends and lonely

[OhneFreunde]

I have been a bit too happy in my own company for a few years (Small DC, post partum anxiety, so being at home with them was the only safe space).

The anxiety isn't really resolved but I do feel better and keen to do more, but I have come to realise I have noone to do things with as I have no friends.

I have (had) a really close group of friends from school which I always kept in touch with and saw once a year or so but once I had kids I felt so low about myself (felt like I was failing as a mum) that I skipped a few meetups and then once it had been 2 or 3 years I felt incapable of meeting up with them as I thought they would be shocked at how ugly/old/fat I have become and just wanted to hide away.

Two other old friends got back in touch recently and I never replied as I couldn't face seeing them and their judgement of me. I used to be cheerful, successful, OK looking, funny and full of life. Now I am middle-aged with grey hair and wrinkles, heavier, crippled by anxiety, my world is very small and I have nothing interesting to say.

I am OK-ish socially and chat with other school mums, have a few acquaintances from a hobby I occasionally meet with but it is all very high level chat.

I have absolutely noone I could ring up or message if I had an issue at all, or that I could have a slightly deeper conversation with.

I used to have good relationships with colleagues but not close enough to stay in touch much once I moved on to a new company, and my new job is fully remote.

I can't believe I have ended up so lonely. Is this irreversible?

That’s sad! It’s been a difficult few years with Covid and remote working, while raising a family!

Why don’t you do something nice for yourself like get your hair done and some new clothes? If you can’t face your old friends why not focus on making connections with the school mums. Host some more play dates?

I think it’s quite normal for people to look older and gain weight after kids so I wouldn’t worry too much. Good friends will accept you whatever you look like.

I am pretty much the exact same situation!!!!

Where do you live? It would be great if you and the OP could become friends! 😃

Your old friends will be delighted to hear from you again and won't care what you look like - and won't judge you either, life happens to all of us!

Unmumsnetty hugs but I'd definitely start with them x

Get back in touch with the ones who contacted you. A friend did this after about ten years. We now see each other a couple times a year (she doesn’t live close by but we meet in the middle). Start there.

Thank you so much for responding.

I was thinking of focusing on new friends as there isn't the issue of them being able to compare to the old me. I should definitely try the playdates, my anxiety has been holding me back as I find it quite stressful having people in my safe space but I will just have to get over it.

I am worried the old friends might think I have been rude/disinterested the last few years, as they would have had no idea I was actually struggling. They may want nothing to do with me anymore. I am actually really embarassed so I am not sure how to make that first step.

My best friend from childhood had a baby a couple of years ago and her relationship broke down at the same time. We were chatting loads at the time and vaguely discussed me travelling to see her and baby but my anxiety wouldn't let me get on a plane and I ended up not following through. I sound like a terrible person I know. I have not dared message her since as I am so embarassed, which makes it a lot worse.

Yes, exactly this. Send them a message with as much info as you feel you can give them about why you've not been in touch, and see if perhaps they would like to meet up again. The worst they can say is no, and then you'd be no worse off than you are now.

FWIW I know exactly how you feel. I spend a lot of time on my own, too, and it's a vicious circle.

Please don't be embarrassed, friends will understand, and like a pp said if they don't you're not in any worse a position to start again with new people.

If it helps I've got a friend coming up next month who I haven't seen for 14 years and hadn't heard back from for more than 10 when she popped up late last year in a message - am nothing but excited to catch up with her after so long.

Honestly, people will understand anxiety and you don't sound like a terrible person at all, you sound like a lovely person who has had a lot to deal with x

Definitely reversible. What about start off getting back in touch with one or two old friends? Explain you haven’t been in a good place. And keep working on meeting new people?

But it’s your own anxiety and preoccupation with whatever you think other peiole might be thinking that is preventing your friendships, OP. Therapy would help you stop throwing up so many obstacles to friendships.

@hilariousnamehere that is reassuring, thank you! I had no idea how all consuming anxiety can be until it happened to me, I feel like she must be so unimpressed, to be let down like that at a time of need. I spend so much time dealing with my own thoughts it has ended up making me self asborbed at times. Thank you for being so kind.

@TheDenimPoet that is so true actually, I have nothing to lose so no reason not to try.

@Fantailed yes I realise that is definitely my issue and there is more at play there. I would not give a single thought to what a friend looks like but somehow think everyone is out there to judge me.

I'd suggest contacting the old friends. They won't care what you look like (or think you look like) and they will have aged too! Easier to pick up where you left off than to make new friends, though you could try that too. Success breeds confidence. An old friend of mine suddenly asked to see me a few years back. Her partner had died (which I'm sure was the reason she suddenly made the effort) and we now meet up 3 to 4 times a year.

Friendships should be able to cope with a few years of absence. I find people are good forgivers and if you once got along well chances are you can again.
We all age. They will have aged and changed too. They will understand you’ve had children and that it is life transforming. I welcome back people who I haven’t seen for years with open arms as I understand life gets in the way for all sorts of reasons. They will too. If they’ve reached out to you they’re obviously interested.

Your DC learn from example so show them how to be sociable and that friendship / relationships are a priority in life. Rather than being reclusive.

I recently met up with a friend I hadn’t seen for 10 years. We both had children in that time and she opened up that she had been dealing with crippling anxiety. She used to be my very best friend and I couldn’t understand why she cut me off. We had a long catch up and a posh dinner out and afterwards I felt like a missing piece of me was back again. Please reach out, they’ll be delighted to have you back 😊

Oh I love that, you're all giving me the push I need, I am so glad I started this thread.

I should also reassure you that my friend and I were both more grey, more wrinkly and more weighty … but we still shared the same sense of humour and had lots of memories to enjoy again 😊