How would you manage these wedding arrangements?

[Boxcan]

DH died just as my DC became adults.

We're now a few years on and I have a new DP, DC have their own lives and DS is about to marry.

I am thrillled for him and very happy with his bride, but a bit sad about the day itself. It's all wrong that his Dad won't be there. Without seeming to cold, I think I recovered reasonably well from losing my husband, but still find life withiut DCs' father hard, as do they.

So, the wedding. I'd like DP to be there for company for me, I'm likely to be feeling wobbly and we have a tiny family, there won't be many people there I know. But, he isn't his Dad, never likely to be and doesn't want to be. He's kind and supportive when required, but because we only got together after DC were adults, he isn't a large part of their lives iyswim.

It feels wrong if he's there in place of DS's Dad, but I'd like him there as his Mum's partner iyswim.

Obviously it will ultimately be down to B&G, but I've been asked what I want.

You've been asked what you want and you've already answered that question in your OP: It feels wrong if he's there in place of DS's Dad, but I'd like him there as his Mum's partner iyswim.

That's all you need to say to them I think. I can understand that a big event like this will bring up strong feelings, but try not to tie yourself up in knots over it. I think the answer above is succinct and clear, and that's all that is needed.

Yes, but I've neen asked about arrangements on the day. E.g. does he sit with the parents or elsewhere? What is his role?

How long have you been together?

My immediate thought would be not at the head table, but at another table. Also, he doesn’t have ‘a role’ as such, apart from being a regular guest and your companion.

He sits with you as your partner. He's not replacing your children's dad or your late husband. No one expects him to. He is however, next to you as your partner to provide you with company and support on a very emotional and special day.

The only caveat is I'm assuming you've been together a while and this is an established relationship. If that's not the case then that changes things.

Anything goes now at weddings and with tables. I was at a wedding last year and on the top table was bride and groom, bridesmaid, brides mum, best man and best mans wife. Grooms parents who are lovely weren’t at the top table but the brides mum and elderly widow was at top table. No fall outs just what the bride and groom wanted. I think mainly because they wanted the best man at the top table whose wife didn’t know anyone else going. It worked for them.

DH Dad died when he was 22 and his parents had been divorced for 8 years at that point. MIL remarried when DH was 20 and they get on well but it’s definitely not a father son type relationship. He sat next to MIL at the top table as that was what she wanted and none of late FILs family seemed to think it was inappropriate or mind it.