What it would be like to have a different child

[purpleme12]

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a different child
One where I could relax a bit sometimes
There's probably way worse off people than me
She's 12 and possible ADHD. Even if she doesn't have it there's clearly something not right
I just wonder sometimes about what the experience might have been like if she wasn't like this

It’s normal to feel that parenting can be hard, and imagining “easier” doesn’t mean you love her any less.

My friend has three DC. The youngest has very complex needs and will never be able to live independently. I think it's only human for her to sometimes wonder "what if" they'd stopped at two.

I’m very happy with two of the same sex but sometimes see parents doing activity more common with the other and dealing with situations more linked to the other and wonder about experiences I’ll probably never have (really hope we don’t get any surprises!) I think whether it’s disability, gender, she gaps a lot of us will wonder at times what it might be like.

I had two easy kids, the type you only had to ask once, could take anywhere would sit and do colouring in or reading. I saw parents with wild kids or kids with Sen and I was so grateful for my quiet easily pleased little girls. I pushed fate and had a third, my asd son has been hard. I’m older and in peri menopause which doesn’t help but yes I’ve aged significantly. And it’s not just that he’s full one, it’s having to constantly fight/advocate for his needs it’s exhausting and stressful. Dh and I are basically existing most of the time , poorer because I can only work part time. Both of us have mental health issues and I developed chronic pain. It’s not his fault in anyway but it’s still hard.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I say this as a parent whose first child was neurotypical and my second child has a very high level of need. DS is not likely to ever live independently, but my goodness he’s the sweetest!

I do a gratitude journal. There’s lots of research about how it builds new neural pathways if you’re in less positive mindset about life and it also just reminds me life is actually great. It’s a beautiful world if you know where to look.

Sending strength!

Really upsetting

I am like the punchbag

She needs much longer term help with her emotions that I seem to be able to get her. I manage to get her 6 sessions. I presume she never gets offered more because no one else sees the problems. So it's me left with it all.

When we have a bad day it affects me well into the next day.

I know I'm probably doing a shit job as well and other people would probably know how to put across her problems or know the right thing to do

Hard relate. It’s unbelievably lonely. 12 is a very tough age because the hormones haven’t settled in, socially it’s much more complex and then the expectations of organisational skills at school are very high.

I’ve often played the what if’s at night, particularly when I’m feeling ineffectual. The effort I have to put in to still feel like a pretty shit parent is unreal.

I didn’t find services a help - in fact they often made things worse. 6 week provision is a joke, but on the books they can claim to be treating lots of dc.

What helped me most was connecting with a parents group. That was a sanity saver.

The other thing I’d suggest is to read up on dysregulation, particularly in terms of sensory overloads, and high demand. The more stress you can reduce the better.

Yes it is really lonely

Really really lonely

If the sessions are helpful for her, can you afford to arrange something privately?