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How much do you think about friends and maintaining your relationships?

5 replies

Zigzaglace · 13/05/2026 10:29

I seem to have trouble making and keeping female friendships. I have male friendships that go back decades, but female friendships either seem to fizzle out or I do something that upsets them and they distance themselves.

I am absolutely not saying I prefer men to women, or that I'm one of the lads, it just seems to happen that I can't keep female friends.

The most recent lost friend, is one who thinks I haven't shown enough interest in her life while she's had some tricky things going on. She's probably right, but I've had stuff too and don't expect anyone else to show more than a passing interest. I've asked her about it when I see her or if I had another reason to conract her, I've done favours relating to it when asked, but I haven't been checking in just because.

If I'm honest, in all my realtionships (even my DC), if I'm not with you and don't have a specific reason to, I'm probably not thinking about you. So, if e.g. I'm planning a night out and need to contact you about that, I ask about your life, amd am genuinely interested, but I won't contact you just to ask about your life iyswim.

Male friends seem to find that perfectly normal, and if we meet up having not been in touch for weeks it's like we've never been apart. It's only recently occurred to me that (some/most?) women aren't like that with their friends.

OP posts:
AmIReallyTheGrownup · 13/05/2026 10:35

There are definitely seasons of life when it’s simply much harder to maintain friendships.

A really useful framework for friendships is CARP - consistency (showing up and communicating in a stable manner), availability (being emotionally and physically available), responsiveness (being aware of and reacting to others emotions), predictability (being dependable). You need to do all of these things in varying degrees to maintain a friendship.

Gently, if female friendships are repeatedly breaking down then there’s possibility a pattern of behaviour on your side that isn’t conducive to maintaining female friendships. If it doesn’t bother you, crack on, but if it does, then it might be worth some reflection.

Lizzbear · 13/05/2026 10:35

Mmm. It’s tricky. Female friendships are more intense sometimes. It depends on the characters involved. I’ve managed to upset/alienate a few friends in the last year by being too needy. It’s hard.
I do have more relaxed friendships with men though.

SpideySensesbroken · 13/05/2026 10:36

I agree with CARP

Zigzaglace · 13/05/2026 10:38

AmIReallyTheGrownup · 13/05/2026 10:35

There are definitely seasons of life when it’s simply much harder to maintain friendships.

A really useful framework for friendships is CARP - consistency (showing up and communicating in a stable manner), availability (being emotionally and physically available), responsiveness (being aware of and reacting to others emotions), predictability (being dependable). You need to do all of these things in varying degrees to maintain a friendship.

Gently, if female friendships are repeatedly breaking down then there’s possibility a pattern of behaviour on your side that isn’t conducive to maintaining female friendships. If it doesn’t bother you, crack on, but if it does, then it might be worth some reflection.

Edited

Yes, I accept that I must be the problem and I thought reflecting was what I was doing here?

OP posts:
AmIReallyTheGrownup · 13/05/2026 10:39

Zigzaglace · 13/05/2026 10:38

Yes, I accept that I must be the problem and I thought reflecting was what I was doing here?

In which case, have a think about the CARP principles and where perhaps you aren’t meeting the needs of maintaining a friendship.

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