Upset at people querying my sick leave.

[LoisSangerAteMyHamster]

I’ve had an unexpected operation and am off work for two months. It’s linked to a disability and previous operations.

I have had comments from managers at work saying they hadn’t expected me to be off so long. And similar from friends and acquaintances. They all seemed to think I’d be back in a week or two.

I am really shaken by this-I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable-I didn’t need a reminder of my body failing. I’ve had similar ops before and needed far longer off work. Now I’m in my 50s and my body just isn’t playing ball. I can’t start physio for months and I’m not allowed to lift. All I can do is walk and I’m so tired and sore and achey with limited movement in my upper body.

I have been at work for many years and feel
some loyalty to the company. I only take sick leave when it’s necessary-it’s necessary now.

why do people think they know more than the medical staff? Why do they think it’s ok to tell me? And why do I feel so sad and worried?

(the general anaesthetic completely floored me for over a week)

Just say ‘that’s not really an appropriate comment’. Clearly they need reminding. My DH is on month 3 of being off sick. It’s horrible knowing everyone is questioning it and doubting you meanwhile you’re just trying to survive.

It's their own ignorance - who are they to argue with medical advice. Surely anyone knows an operation can take a lot of recovery. Sounds like they are more worried with loosing you for a couple months!

I was only signed off work for a couple weeks years ago now and I couldn't believe how I was shunned when I returned back to work. It was as if no one believed I needed the time off. Especially if it's paid time off, I think some people even get jealous that you're sat at home getting paid, thinking we're milking it. I think we'd all much rather have our health!

Because it’s insulting for people to say that - it almost implies that you are responsible for your entire recovery and you’re not doing enough. And that’s absolute codswallop. Of course you’re feeling tearful and emotional; if it’s a degenerative condition, recovery can be both psychological and physical, and it’s hard coming to terms with what your body is and isn’t capable of. That’s so tough. I’m in a very similar situation, written off longer than expected, but the difference is that my work have been fantastic. Do not even think about work right now, and don’t waste your personal time with people who say ridiculous things like this. Your worth is 0% connected to your ability to make a business more wealthy.

If you are ill you are ill. Also remember that people react differently to operations and medication. For example, some women have csections and are up and about 6 hours later without much bother, others are in severe pain for months. Its all come back to what level of pain you were in before, what levels of illness or chronic illness you have, what support you have and if you have inflammation already etc. Take the time you need and don't feel guilty.

It means nothing to them and won't have any impact on them next week/month but you will still be dealing with the pain, sickness and fatigue if you go back too early and they won't care or even think about it.

Yes, maybe it’s that they are jealous? Of someone who needs an operation because of a cancer diagnosis that rocked my world.

Yes, it is paid time off, but I’ve been there a long time and worked far above my pay grade and I thought I’d given so much extra. But even if I hadn’t I’m not taking anything I’m not entitled too and they would be too in the same situation.

TBH I’m a bit worried that the time I have off won’t be enough. The doctor wants to see me again before I go back to talk about adaptions or potentially a longer recovery period depending on how I’m doing.

I feel so silly for ruminating on it, but I suppose that’s the issue with suddenly having time but not being able to do anything and feeling ill.

I didn't know it was related to a cancer diagnosis. I'm surprised you haven't had more support around it.
These companies can be cold. All you can do is focus on you, the last thing you need is to be worrying about what they think.

Stick to the facts, tell them you’re providing medical notes as required. They should not be contacting you otherwise.

Dh had an op and was off for 2 weeks, he got similar shock that he’d be off so long because he works from home - like recovery isn’t needed if you’re not going to an office. Dh’s approach was to confirm that was the minimum recovery time so I’ll let you know if it doesn’t go to plan (implying it might be longer). End of discussion. Guilt tripping sick people is the sign of a toxic work place - but very common!

I'm sorry you're not well @ButterYellowFlowers and this has upset you so much. Are you sure there was malice behind these comments and not concern? Especially as these people know why you've been off?

I don't want to dismiss what you're feeling, but I know from personal experience that if I'm feeling sensitive or upset, then comments that have no intention behind them can feel accusatory.

I hope you're feeling better soon. Please take care of yourself, and DO NOT try and go back before you feel ready. You don't owe the company your health.

Cancer is automatically considered a disability under the equality act. Please try to ignore their ignorance. They don’t sound very kind.

This could potentially be viewed as some sort of discrimination I think. They should be careful. Be factual only, keep communication short for your own sake, and try and focus on your recovery.

Do you have a union?

I think if you are feeling harassed if it continues you could state that you are covered by fit/sick note until xx date. Your condition is covered under the equality act as a disability and you are feeling stressed by the questioning of your illness. Maybe that would make them think!

I think you’ve tagged the wrong person here, I’m not the OP :)

I’m sorry you’re unwell op

I think you’re being a bit sensitive here. It’s not unkind to say that you thought someone wouldn’t be off as long as they are. It’s just a statement. They probably didn’t realise it is as serious as it is and maybe thought it was just a minor procedure. I’d be surprised if someone went to hospital for a minor procedure and was signed off for 2 months. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe them

I'm someone who always returns from sick leave way too quickly. Years ago I went back a week after a miscarriage and huge blood loss. I hate myself for that.

Take your time. If the time off has been approved, who are they to gossip and question you?

It doesn’t sound like they’re being horrible or think they know more than the medical staff-it’s probably just a, ‘oh wow, I didn’t know you’d need to be off for x months!’ type comment.

What you also know is that if you didn't work and ended up claiming sickness benefits instead, they'd damn you for that as well!!

You can't win with some people OP. How people don't think "fuck I'm glad I can see that I work at a place that supports people when they're sick, as that could happen to me" is beyond me!

Just do what you need to recover (and log stuff for a discrimination complaint as needed). Are you under occupational health?

Thanks, yes, I think I’m feeling very sensitive. I don’t think there was malice in the comments, although that doesn’t stop them hurting. I suppose I could reframe my thoughts following the comments-as in I don’t know what to expect, I’d hoped to be back to normal sooner, but it was wishful thinking rather than medical advice.

I’m hopefully cancer free, but it’s taken its toll on my body in many ways, hence the op.

I think you should be very gentle with yourself OP .

You've been through a lot of trauma a d are doing your best to heal and get back to work.

Hopefully the comments were just minor, throwaway and unthoughtful, and if your colleagues really knew how things were for you then they wouldn't bat an eyelid at supporting you.

Older people/those with existing health issues on average take longer to recover, and any guidelines are just averages. At 20, I was criticised for NOT taking time off when I had the same op a 50 year old colleague had- she needed to take time, and I didn't!
I'd be inclined to say: some people in their 70s can run faster than me. Some of us give birth without pain relief, some people need surgery. Some get no morning sickness etc etc. It's strange, you'd think we're all individuals who respond differently to things!

I think you need to write to HR and refer them to your medical certificate/doctor’s letter advising them that repeatedly questioning medical andvice advice violates employment laws and impacts your recovery.

@LoisSangerAteMyHamster

I would do my best to ignore them. Chances are they are speaking before thinking and don't mean anything malicious by it. But if someone seriously said something along the lines of "I'm surprised you're taking off so long/it's taking so long to recover" I'd probably reply sweetly "You're surprised at my recovery period? May I ask where you got your medical degree?"

I want to add my wishes for your recovery and your health to other posters'.

And now you know that you are just a cog in the machine and the extra unpaid work hasn't made you better thought of. Return to work when you are ready and when you do look around and remember that they don't think any more of you.

Thanks all, I feel better after reading your responses and having a good nights sleep.

I think there’s a lot of emotional stuff going on linked to the physical operation. The original diagnosis, how that was dealt with, my age and general health now. I think I’m probably being over sensitive.

it’s been useful to talk on here and I’ve got some good phrases tucked away.

For me it’s a reality check in that I am older and iller than I like to think: I mustn’t give too much of myself at work as it’s just a job.

Take care of yourself OP. I'm sure those people you're friends with would be upset they've upset you! Take as much time as you think you need, and then a bit more. You sound like the conscientious type who might go back a little too early and struggle.

@ButterYellowFlowers yes you're right, apols no idea how I managed to tag you in my comment!

Tell them they are all AHs and it's none of their business! Maybe not quite like that, but they are a bunch of bullies. All the best!