What can I put in place to go on this holiday?

[Manyleaves]

My parents are mentally sharp but increasingly immobile. Also very stubborn and will not arrange paid care or help, or downsize or have adaptations to the house (sigh..)

I'm not doing anything regularly for them, because I'm afraid I'm taking the same view I did with my teens, that you don't help by doing it all for them. However, I do respond in emergencies and in recent months have taken them both to A&E twice, and made sure they were both OK when one or the other had a stay in hospital.

The only other person they can call on locally is my young adult DS, who has fragile mental health following a trauma. He helps them quite a bit by doing odd jobs and shopping etc, but doesn't drive. He wouldn't usually be the person they call in an emergency.

I'm worried that when I go away, he'd be the one they rely on, and if he wasn't able to help "enough" in an emergency, that could add to his trauma.

How can I "protect" him, without sacrificing my holiday, and every holiday to come?

Oh dear, as I suspected, there isn't an answer.

How long are you going for?

I would ensure they had a big shop before you went and I would make it very clear that DS is struggling at the moment so not to contact him if at all possible. Is there anyone else who they would speak to in an emergency? Another relative? A neighbour?

I would give them the number of a reliable taxi company if they needed it.

It's nearly two weeks. They're more than capable of organising their own shop or calling a taxi, my concern is if something goes wrong and they need more than help with ordinary everyday tasks (which DS is very capable and willing with).

Would they be open to a temporary carer visiting the fortnight you are away?
If not unfortunately they will just have to rely on the usual emergency services if it’s life or death situation. If it’s a more mundane situation it won’t do them any harm to wait until you get back.
It’s ok for you to have a holiday and feel guilt free about being away. Your parents have capacity, they will be fine.

Them contacting DS and making him feel useful isn't a problem, that's proably as good for him as it is for them. It's feeling that he "failed" in a crisis with a catastrophic outcome that worries me, and whilst that might be unlikely, it's not as unlikely with them as it would be for most iyswim.

What sort of emergencies do you mean? Have you asked your DS about this? If you gave examples of emergencies and wrote what he’d need to do would that suffice? Some people who you don’t think could do this are surprisingly good at stepping up in an emergency.

If something goes wrong it’ll be up to them or social services to organise help. I’m afraid you can’t organise your life around their what ifs.

No, ansolutely not, and I agree they'll have to rely on an ambulance etc, which they'll accept as perfectly normal and reasonable. It's the affect that might have on DS, if he feels responsible for any bad outcome, that worries me.

Kindly OP, and I do get it as am a carer for similar relatives as you, you can only control the controllable. You are worrying about something that might not happen x

DS would be fine and absolutely step up and do what he could, probably as well as anyone would. What worries me is the effect on him if his best isn't good enough - if no one could have saved them. E.g. if they had some sort of accident and didn't get help in time, or if there was nothing anyone could have done.

Could DS go away at the same time?