Feeling a little lost in my marriage

[Otterwise]

I’ve realised that every major decision that we’ve ever made has been dh’s choice - where we live, how many dc we had, what to invest in, when and where to go on holiday, me stopping work, changes to our house… all done how he wanted.

I feel silly for not seeing this before. I’ve been struggling for a while with decision paralysis and it was starting to affect even everyday decisions and I was just sitting with that tight feeling for a few moments and it was like my life flashed before my eyes.

I’ve always been consulted. I’ve always felt my opinion mattered, but eventually we do things dh’s way even if we try mine for a while. He’s not bullying or controlling, it’s more that he has this big enthusiastic personality. He’s hugely motivational at work - his staff love him and love working for him. He has this big energy iykwim.

I feel a bit crushed with this realisation. I know I’m being a bit silly - we have a good life, a nice family. It’s not like he’s made bad decisions, or mine would have been better. It’s more that I feel like I’ve been a passenger in his life for the last twenty years and all of my plans and dreams got subsumed. I’m just not sure what to do with this.

can anyone relate?

And I’ve name changed because my sils are on mn and I don’t want this connected with my other posts.

Well, you say you tried things your way for a while in some cases — did you strongly advocate for why whatever it was at the time, and make a case for why living in X spot, or extending rather than selling or whatever was the right thing?

In some cases yes, in others not so much.

I think my DH might relate to this. We discuss everything but somehow usually end up doing what I suggested. Hmmm. Not sure what can be done because he agrees quite happily . Perhaps you do too?

I don’t think you’re being silly, but if you’re feeling a certain way at the moment – possibly depressed/anxious – then you may be viewing this all through a certain lens. If that’s the case then I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to repaint your entire marriage this way.

Any couple will almost always have a dominant half – that’s true if any relationship or friendship. In the absence of a bullying or negatively domineering partner, it’s your job to advocate for yourself and your needs.

have you read anything about Decentering men ?

I mostly do. It’s very hard not to get caught up in his infectious enthusiasm, and when he doesn’t like something, he’s unhappier with it than I am. He just has bigger energy than I have.

Is there a big thing that you really want to do or not do that you can focus on to make you feel more empowered in your life? If there was a different career path you wanted to follow can you proactively take steps to move towards that now? If there’s a holiday destination you always wanted to visit can you say “this is where I want to go next and it’s definitely my turn to choose”? If there’s a thing you do now but don’t want to do, say you’re not doing it anymore eg “I’m stopping the weekly pub visit” or whatever. Focus on one thing and change that and then focus on the next thing etc.

I would hope that if my DH was genuinely unhappy about something I set in motion, he would keep saying so and proposing something else, if I wasn't taking proper notice the first time he said it.

I don’t think I’m managing to express this very well. It’s not really the individual decisions that I have an issue with. It’s more that I’m seeing a whole pattern. If I had never met dh I might be living in a different country, pursuing a career and who knows what else, but it would be very different.
If he had met and married someone else I think his life would look more or less the same.

I feel bad about myself that I let that happen. I’ve drifted off course, it’s not a dh problem. He’s not doing anything wrong. But it’s unmistakable that we live life on his terms.

Interesting. Have you a recommendation?

I can relate to this, although only two years ago I would have said I'd pretty much lived my dream life.

It's difficult when you make a suggestion and suddenly find that it's been derailed without you even really realising. And because the house/hotel/job/new business or whatever is objectively fabulous and dh and the kids are happy, you feel like you should appreciate what you have and don't let yourself really notice that yet again your suggestions were quietly overruled. It's not even really his fault, it's just that he seems so excited and invested that it's easier to go with the flow, but you also know deep down that if he wasn't completely enamoured with a choice you had insisted on, he wouldn't just quietly suck it up in the same way that you do. He might not shout or scream or complain but you would be very aware that his idea would have been 'better'.

I've no advice, but I completely understand where you are coming from and appreciate what a challenging realisation this is. Just bear in mind that your life isn't over and there is still time to change the status quo, although outside help may be required to change such deep-seated patterns in your relationship.

@PleaseVipersHelpMe thank you.

Now that you've realised the pattern you can change it. Start small. Insist on when and where you next go out. Then think about what really matters to you, and work towards getting what you want in these areas. What do you want to change in your life? Maybe some new furniture or decorating the house, or where you go for your next holiday. Be the one to bring it up and make the suggestion. Are you happy in your job? If not, then surely that something you can control without his input or him being the one to decide.

I go along with what my DH wants too much but if it's important to me, I get what I want. I was the one to organize our house reno, so I got to make all the decisions (with his input). I recently decided I wanted a new car. He was reluctant but I explained my reasoning, the costs and benefits. I did the research and came up with 2 cars for us to test drive. There was one that was clearly a much better car for the money so that's the one we are getting. Admittedly he was keen on it so that part was easy. We are getting the colour that I want, which is not the colour he wanted but I felt more strongly about it, so didn't cave although I initially was going to. He wants the practical colour that won't look terrible if it's not washed, I want the colour that looks amazing. Just be quietly insistent on what you want. Keep bringing it up if you are brushed off initially. And don't be scared about making a bad decision.