How am I supposed to find time for everything?

[ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm]

How do other people find time for everything? I work full time, two kids 9 and 11. Evenings are taken up with their activities. I exercise during their activities, or I wouldn’t have time. Weekends I spend catching up on housework, admin, keeping on top of the garden (to be fair I enjoy gardening, but that just means I’m loathe to outsource it to a gardener), seeing elderly parents - mine more than my dh’s because my dm is more needy, and I feel more guilty. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to fit everything in, there is never enough time for anything, if I socialise at all at the weekend I spend the rest of the week catching up on laundry etc, my dm isn’t happy with the amount she sees us, dh’s parents frankly shouldn’t be happy because we definitely don’t see them enough. Siblings we see every few months at the most which leads me to feeling guilty that I’m not fostering closer cousin relationships. I feel like I’m constantly dropping the ball somewhere, because there isn’t enough bloody TIME. People ask me what I’m watching on telly and I don’t even have time for that, evenings after the kids go to bed are filled with catching up on admin or staring blankly at my phone because I literally haven’t stopped for 14 hours. And before anyone asks, yes, dh pulls his weight. Maybe not with the mental stuff, which to be fair I struggle to share (how do you delegate the contents of your head? Any tips welcome), but he does all the cooking, all the food shopping, his share of child taxiing etc. What am I doing wrong? How do other people do it?

I literally did no after school activities when I was a kid, my son is 3.5 but I'll probably stick to just swimming when he starts school. I'm guessing it's the norm now to do loads of after school activities.

Could you rotate so that they do a term of one activity then a term of a different activity rather than doing them all every week? Are you free while husband does some of the nights?

You sound like you’re doing as much as you can. Unfortunately you can’t magic up more hours, as nice as that would be. Unless you can drop a day, I think you should just try and make peace with the fact that this is how life is right now. Our life is very similar. It’s the kids activities that push us over the edge, but like you said, they get a lot from them so don’t want to stop. The activities mean we’re always rushing about, eat terribly and they take up too much headspace. This week ds has 5 lots of cricket and dd 6 days of dance.

But do you want to see them more? Also, as far as family goes it is very much a two way street, are they making the effort to see you or expecting you to always put the work in? That dynamic can be hard/impossible to change - there’s a reason DC hasn’t seen their cousins for nearly a year…

I would agree with that for younger family members. Definitely a two way street. Much more difficult with aging parents though.

I'm with you OP. I feel like I need an extra day a week. We both work full time, 2 kids under 5. No way we could afford a cleaner, gardener etc either. We are very organised but some stuff has to slide.
But we do take it in turns to put the kids to bed, the other parent clocks off and does something from 6.30pm. This is when we socialise or exercise. Even though I'm knackered i go out 2 or 3 x nights a week (dance class, band practice, running) as otherwise I would never do anything. Problem is we barely see eachother 😂

God I understand this so much. I am sick of doing nothing but jobs. I work ft and hate not doing anything at the weekends but hate even more when I need to go out because then the whole week is ruined. I feel satisfied when everything is clean and tidy on a Sunday and everyone has clean clothes. But god it’s dull.

things that have helped me: heated drying rack; batch cooking; decluttering when ever possible- hardly ever though

You're not doing anything wrong. Working FT with children is relentless. I think it can hit harder because you have people who say it's easier when they go to school but I don't think that's true for FT workers. In nursery they had their meals cooked for them and fed to them there, no uniform to keep on top of, no homework, most aren't doing activities, no holiday childcare to sort out, no play dates, earlier bed times.

Wha about your partner / husband ? Don’t you share all the extras outside of work ? You seem to be doing everything and if so, of course you can’t manage it all .

There’s some great tips here. And some hard things to think about (do I actually want to do the things I think I should be doing more of). I think there’s probably (hopefully!) some truth in the fact that the kids ages aren’t helping - old enough to want to do loads of stuff but not old enough to transport themselves around. My standards for a lot of things are probably unnecessarily high, I can’t say no to anything for myself or the kids, and I probably do need to accept that I can’t do all the things.

Seeing your mother every couple of weeks is fine if that’s what you want to do, and if it’s within your capacity. If you don’t want to, and it’s leaving you overstretched or compromised in relation to other priorities, you can reassess.

I do hate that this is normal now and expected. The families I know that seem to have their head above the water have lots of family help or live in nanny.
My husbands friend has his mil almost like a live in chef and nanny and she really wants to do it all and is always concerned about taking the pressure off them as a family. It sounds so nice 🥲 I'm sure for many that would be a awful idea but it really works for them.

I have recently learnt the phrase in order to pick something up you have to put something down.
Frustrating because I want to do everything particularly the remotely enjoyable parts of life.

So if you want pick up more extended family time op what can you put down? Lower cleaning/tidy standards, less laundry. outsource cooking/batch cook?

With your partner and the mental load can you just sit down and divide up what you do. With the acknowledgement he takes on the whole task from start to finish. Say he deals entirely with his family and that includes communication birthdays organising visits Christmas etc
Really drill down into the details to completely take off it off your plate.

The kids’ activities are completely unnecessary. Cut them back to one thing, or stipulate that whatever they do, they need to get themselves to and from it, or do something where you can pool lifts with other parents.

Im a family carer so not heading out to work as such but yesterday I didn’t stop for 18 hours. Thats not unusual either. Not an easy life.

To fit it all in I stopped socialising, stopped hobbies and stopped exercising. There simply aren’t enough hours in a day and I have to prioritise sleep as only average 6 hours a night.

I don’t think this is abnormal at all. Have you considered doing a big “sort your life out” style declutter? Really minimising your clothes and your families clothes. That will reduce your laundry massively. Obviously you lack time so that will take up a few weekends but in the long run it will save you time. A lot of people go for the “minimalist” lifestyle because it saves them time tidying and cleaning. Less clutter means less things to dust less things to pick off the floor. You might feel better and more organised after doing this. The best advice I read is to start small with one bookshelf for example, but I’d start with your wardrobe if I were you as it will solve your laundry problem. Imagine you and everyone in your house had only had 4 tops and 4 pairs of jeans then you’d be doing laundry only once a week. That’s an extreme example but you get the idea

Is your husband doing his share? I personally find getting up early to exercise easiest but that’s very personal.

We share activities, my 11 year old does two activities (training 1-2 times per week and comps and then one session of activity 2) and my 9 year old does football twice a week. We are reluctant to cut back on those as the children get so much out of it.

Thanks for all the responses. It’s helpful to hear that other people feel the same. I think I’m doing everything I can to be more efficient - not willing to drop the kids activities as I don’t think that will help, I already multi-task and exercise at the same time. I do think I probably need to drop standards in some areas, and get the kids onboard with things like making their own packed lunches. And accept I can’t do everything, start saying no to things.

Would either of you want or be willing to cut your hours if you could? If you can't cut down on activities/household tasks, then something really has to give for your own health and well being. Occasionally could just you go and see DM, while DH catches up on something.

Wow! That’s a lot of evening activities.

I hear you OP!

Similar situation here - both parents working FT, 2 children, aging parents who we want/need us to visit (but don't live in the same city), other family / friends we want to see, keeping on top of the house and school admin etc. It is relentless! We don't have any family on our doorstep either (I know that's how many people seem to 'do it all' - by having Grandma doing school runs, helping with housework etc.). We don't have any extra help, no cleaner, no gardener.

It's a lot!

I have two teens, 14 and 16. The evening activities have reduced as one does not do a sport anymore and they all have more homework. There is slightly more free time.o

I found all along, that I would declutter instead of cleaning if short on time. That made more of a difference.

I only see friends rarely. I prioritise reading/tv at home on the weekend nights. I am 54 and get physically sick if I don't rest. As you said, if I have to attend an event at the weekend I can't get on top of the housework at all.

I would suggest for you to aim for one or two wfh days a week as it cuts down on commuting. In time, you could look for a month unpaid leave in the summer or a 4 day week.

Also, it all cannot be done. I only clean windows, a few times a year. If I have a cloth, I wipe switches, door frames randomly. It keeps the place reasonable. I do good declutters during the bank holidays.

Of course people say you must keep your career going at all costs. You really cannot do it all. Some people keep a good social life but have no time to relax/sleep.