Anyone else trying to unlearn a habit of self-imposed martyrdom?

[NotOneMoreLunge]

I have inherited the martyr gene from DM and her DM, I am in late forties myself. DM in particular used to have a lot of sayings to justify any kind of suffering, especially self-inflicted, like she savoured the misery. She is still waiting for her Cinderella moment.

Luckily, my DD (26) has not and she is the one who opened my eyes to my behaviour. It was partly due to patriarchal upbringing, partly perfectionism (only I can do it properly and it has to be done today), and in big part insecurity which at some point has turned into almost passive aggressive, demonstrative martyring. Ironic, because my DH actually is more than happy to pull his weight and takes care of all house admin. We both work full time, my behaviours were the worst in the previous relationship and this one has “cured” me, but took good 10 years at least…

Curious to hear if there are more like me…

No, but good on your DD for making you aware of this. My childhood was awful thanks to the constant smell of burning martyr from my mother.

It's very tiresome for other people.

@NotOneMoreLunge can you share examples?

@ChangePlease Sure, examples of what?

I was wondering about examples too. For example, I am not a martyr about housework by any stretch, but, anyone in need emotional/mental health support and I'm OTT, to my detriment.

Example of your martydom so please can advise you how they would deal with the situation instead.

My dps competed constantly about who was most tired, whose job was the hardest,most worthwhile, etc and were a bit sneery about people with “cushy” jobs. I absorbed the idea that personal worth was directlyrelated to how much you struggled and contributed.

Dh grew up in a family where idleness drew criticism and being constantly busy was important. When we met he was working crazy hours, 7 days in a family business, and his “hobby” took up 4 evenings, 2 of which were also technically work because he was teaching it.

I’m not sure why, but for some reason, we’re very good at being lazy together. A bit too good sometimes. From our first meeting we just instinctively relaxed and felt very safe with each other. We both learned to build boundaries and work life balance.

I do not want to go into too much detail (the old me would). I would never ask for help, I would try to keep everything perfect in the house and garden, to the point of exhaustion and not taking a moment to enjoy the results. I would do everyone favours without being asked, always step up to cook and act as if I was not appreciated, counting thank yous or making sarcky comments about to do everything. Years of this while working full time and doing a bachelor’s, then masters degree. I also remember DF calling me names and saying I am lazy, lying here reading a book when DM is out there weeding potatoes or whatever. I am still finding it hard to do nothing, DH used to call me human doing and ask if I can’t just be, but I always felt like this needs to be done and I am not good, if I leave it undone. Deep down I knew my behaviour pissed everyone off.

@Haffway Mine and DH’s parents are also like, DH turned out more balanced. MIL is in early 80s and still works part time as a cleaner. Does not need the money, just can’t be not needed. Her halo is shining brightly. I call her a woman who cannot take “no, thank you” for an answer.

I was like this in my first marriage but it was learned behaviour from a controlling ExH - I learned to do everything to avoid his complaints. After I divorced him I realised that I could leave the housework for a few days, wait to do washing until I was running out of knickers and generally do jobs when I was in the mood to do them. I’m generally more relaxed and my now DH does at least his fair share. If things get left too long, we just sort it together. Our home is clean enough and never gets so bad it takes days to spruce up. I think we have the balance about right. But it has taken me years to be this relaxed.