Fed up with carrying the mental/physical load for my family

[ElliotBay]

Help! Feeling abit fed up to put it mildly. Have 3 kids (7, 11 and 14), 2 dogs and 2 cats.
Over the last few years I've really started to resent my immediate family. Whilst my kids are well behaved and I love my partner. There has become this expectation that I will do certain things: no one changes the cat tray, no one picks up the poop, no one feeds the animals, what's for tea tonight? Bins overflowing, clothes just left over the house (partner included!), no one wants to find an answer so lets just ask me instead; a constant queue of jobs to do.

My partner is good with doing the cleaning but does what they do and when I challenge them I just get "well I do this etc".

Feeling horrible for thinking bad of my family but I'm really getting to the end of my tether.

Open to ideas on how to break this cycle.

If your kids get pocket money, why not give them jobs to do in the house?

For your youngest, tidying their room or other smaller chores propotionate to their age and the older kids could help you out by feeding the animals etc, etc.

The chores could be proprtionate to their ages, teaches them responsibility and also should free up ypur time eventually.

The only thing you would have to do, especially at first is to mke sure they have completed the chores properly and if not, then delay or stop pocket money as a consequence but use this only as an absalute last resort.

It should help your kids develope good habits for when they are older, and take some pressure off you.

Super helpful, no really.

The house is fine because I do all of things I mentioned. The only thing that stinks is your attitude.

Thanks. Will try with that.

I decided one day I would stop doing some of the jobs and leave them for someone else to do. I picked stuff that I’m less bothered about. I also dropped some unnecessary stuff that was simply creating extra work. I now have more time to read books.

Bins overflowing? Poo left until you notice it and pick up? I think you’ve probably have just become used to the stink.

Your partner and older kids are well and truly old enough to be involved in keeping their family home in a vaguely decent state. You need to get them involved sharpish. And consequences if not.

I can’t understand how you can describe your partner as a good partner when they’ll walk past poo or an overflowing bin and leave for their partner to sort

Her house sounds like it may not be insta ready but hardly dirty and gross! She is picking up poop, she is emptying the bin and doing the other chores as fast as one person can get them done.
@ElliotBay you need a rota. For example, cat litter - oldest child checks/cleans AM, partner checks/cleans PM. 11 year old feeds pets breakfast, you do pets tea. It will be more work in the beginning because you will have to make sure they are doing it but eventually everyone will know what their tasks are and you will be able to take your foot off the gas.

I would put the animals into kennels/cattery for a week and when the family notice say they're being fostered as no one was looking after them. If they want them back they need to agree to assigned jobs.

I'd bin anything I find on the floor for week.

I would divide up the house and allocate jobs for each person. They're all old enough to be doing housework.

I know! I am sympathising with the op.
these people are walking past shit and ignoring bins overflowing. If the op ever went away… she would come back to flies circling the house. Sounds shit and the partner and older kids need to make a very sharp change. This should have been built in from a very young age

They all sound like decent people so you need to get them to want to help rather than force them to. It will involve losing your shit at them. Showing how upset you are.
The kids will probably moan if they feel like they’re doing more the any of the others so agree on allocating tasks fairly.
If it doesn’t work stop cooking. Spend the time doing your share of the tasks. Do you work? Is there a sense that you work less so it’s ALL just your job as mum.

To clarify-the poop is outside in the garden The bins are full and things placed on top. I empty the bins then. This is the second time you have left passive aggressive/unhelpful comments. So not sure what you are expecting from this dialogue. Maybe you have just got used to sound of your own voice. Can you please move on and leave my post, as you have nothing positive or helpful.

I've asked for support and ideas, not the criticism of someone like you.

Thanks that's a great idea. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate your comments.

This. But also ask your partner to do at least one meal a week. My stepdad eg does spag Bol and fish meals.

Several pp's have come up with good suggestions, except for one thing. They include such things as 'get them to help' and 'help you out'.

No. No no no no no. Oh no.

All that does is reinforce in their minds that the OP is the default servant who does everything, and everyone else just 'helps' mum sometimes, when they can be bothered or when they feel like it, and only when repeatedly asked to do so.

They all need to change their attitude towards household stuff. They all live in the same house, and they can't just go around leaving their clothes on the floor and all the rest of it. They should all be responsible for doing their fair share. This is not 'Mum's job', that she gets annoyed about when other people don't help, it should be everyone's job.

OP - one step at a time. 😂
Tell the age 7 dc to put their dirty clothes in the washing basket from now on, and remind them if they forget. They are a bit young for what comes next.
For everyone else - if their dirty clothes are left on the floor, leave them there. Ignore them completely. Don't touch them, move them or even comment on them in any way. Wait until people start realising their clothes are all dirty and creased and the laundry hasn't been done. Eventually someone will be foolish enough to comment, and then you can casually say: "Oh... did you put it in the laundry basket to be washed? No? Oh well that's why it's still dirty then" and if you can manage it, do a 'what did you expect to happen?' shrug of the shoulders as well.

Have you and your partner bitten off more than you can chew with four pets on top of three children?

I don’t know, I just think there’s a lot of social encouragement to acquire pets (the pictures, the admiration, the funny stories…) but perhaps not enough said about the time, effort and money it takes to keep them. Dogs seem to be especially time consuming…

A pet is literally supposed to add to your life not add to your troubles.

Perhaps start a discussion about pet ownership with your family?

1. Everyone who eats should be involved with the meal planning, shopping, unloading shopping, cooking at clearing it up. Those who don’t contribute to this can eat toast or cereal. If you are the only one meal planning and shopping, make sure it’s the stuff you like, and something easy to cook.
2. Don’t feel obliged to answer any questions from DP, and limit replies to the older children, who need to find their own solutions.
3. Washing on,y gets done if it’s in the laundry basket, and everyone needs to be involved in hanging it out/ putting away. After years of trying different methods, we have a system of doing everyone’s laundry separately. If they don’t hang it up 2hen it’s done, it lies festering in the wet washing bag. With hindsight, I’d allocate a day per person- so if Jo doesn’t have his washing in the basket on his day, he might have to wait a week before it’s his turn again. If there’s spare capacity, he can put on a load and deal with it himself, but that’s now his issue, not yours.
4. Consider how sustainable 3 DC , 4 pets and 2 adults working actually is. I had 3 DC, and there’s no way I would have managed pets as well, on top of a stressful job. If no one takes responsibility for the pets, might you need to re home them? Not an easy choice, but you can’t re home the DC , so if no one steps up…

Tell them you’re going to rehome the pets unless changes?

Divvy up chores and do a rota. Write it down so everyone can see it's fair.

Most people don't have household chores at the top of their mind as their number one priority at all times. It's incredibly easy to walk past something that needs doing because you're thinking about something else. But if it's explicitly your responsibility then you have to think about it.

It's much more efficient to make every chore a specific person's responsibility than to expect everyone to just do whatever needs doing off their own bat.

I like how @Unexpectedlysinglemum said what I was tiptoeing around saying about the pets, but in a much blunter fashion! 😁

Seriously though, is it simply too much for two adults?