To not hate the OW....

[Elanol]

Just to say up front this isn't me looking for a pat on the back for not hating or anything like that. It's just something that happened to me and I thought I'd share it and see what you think of it or if you've had something similar happen.

I've contributed snippets here and there to threads about a horribly abusive relationship that I was in. Towards the end, the 'discard' phase began. His mask had slipped so far there was no way he was ever going to trap me at that point. He knew it and said as much several times. I knew it wouldn't be long. He was cheating. I knew but he thought I didn't. I felt it was safer to let him think he was humiliating me and cheating under my nose etc. and let him do the grand finish with me as he swept his new victim in.

It went down as expected and of course they were married 4 or 5 months later. Lovebombing was hideously successful with her. I saw their grinning faces on the wedding photos on facebook. It was the first time I'd seen her and I thought, marry in haste, repent at leisure.....

When the hurt was healed and I was able to look back objectively I realised I didn't hate the woman who stole my fiance. She did me a massive favour. Oh did she get more than she bargained for with him. Over the years I started to feel a bit sorry for her. I knew the life she would have behind closed doors. I often wondered what she'd think if she knew I let them get away with it as it was my ticket out of there.

I've recently discovered that they are now divorced. I actually felt a bit relieved for her. Yes she was a tramp shagging someone else's partner. At the time as far as she knew she was destroying my relationship and felt no guilt about it. Despite that, she was exactly what was needed or that could still have been my life.

So Tracey, if you're out there. I'm glad you met him and gave me my life back. Next time you fancy someone else's fella just remember there might be a reason the wife/partner turns a blind eye.......

I think that anyone who gets together with someone who is cheating on their partner should not be surprised when it happens to them. They are going into that relationship with their eyes wide open. I never understand how they can ever trust that person. In my experience, they don't.

Your husband broke your relationship. He broke your bond. He was the one you loved and trusted. I don’t know why people put so much focus on the other party, they don’t love or care for you, and you them. They have no duty to you.

Your updates make it sound a bit like you hate her tbh.

Oh for goodness sake, who REALLY cares about that in these circumstances 🙄

It could have been so much worse.

OP, I hear you. I'm glad you've moved on and are feeling ok.

Your follow up posts are… telling

As are yours…..

I don’t understand why women are ever attracted to cheating men. They’re literally advertising their low moral character and openly demonstrating their disregard of their dw and dc. It can’t come as a surprise when they turn out to be abusive bastards.

How so?

Your relationship was already sour though. Looking back you can see objectively that you are better off single than in a horribly abusive relationship.
It’s a bit different when the relationship seemingly had potential ( although if he cheats it really didn’t).

It’s the partners fault most definitely, for not breaking up when they know they want someone else.
But the OW has to take some responsibility. Not dating people in relationships because it’s bad for both you and the partner that’s been cheated on. Not saying he can’t break up a relationship but don’t be part of his deceit.

I think it's something to do with the lack of any common decency or morals or respect for someone's relationship that they'd actively pursue a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship. People who don't respect someone's relationship are generally pretty shitty people.
OW might not have any duty to OP (or whoever) but neither does OP have to say nice things about someone who trashed her relationship alongside her H.

In fact she can say whatever the hell she likes about OW because she has no duty to them.

I came to a strange kind of peace wanting them to be happy because otherwise breaking our family heart was all for nothing. They’re married now, she’s got my old surname and though I’m not cheering them on with pom poms, I don’t wish them any ill. What a waste it would all have been. My marriage just feels like a chapter of my long story now.

she wanted the sausage now she can have the entire pig.

Brilliant

For someone who doesn't hate hate you think about her, post about her and seem to have pretty strong feelings about her you need some counselling.

I know right ?! Can’t win on here ! For what it’s worth I’d have called the woman shagging my partner alot worse.

I’m glad you’re in a much better place now OP, you clearly deserve a lot better.

On a side note, I’m kind of going off Mumsnet because most threads I read is simply about tearing apart the OP. You’re not “safe” from this even if you are the victim in the situation. Of course you have strong emotions towards your ex and a woman who broke up your family. How can anyone not see that. Who gets cheated on and leaves that relationship being happy with either party. I understand your conflicted emotions - you don’t hate her because she did you a favour but of course you’re not going to think she’s a great person, either.

Anyway, the point is that you’ve been given a chance at a better life and good for you!

Same here OP, the OW did me a huge favour & we even became friends in time! We're still in touch 10 years later but I don’t have any contact with ExH. He did the same to her as he did to me after a few years & she's met someone lovely now.

Some women see past the he is cheating so has no morals as they feel so special he's cheating with her and she's just so irresistible that things will be different with her.

I don’t think all OW are the same though having met a few in my long life. Some of them are indeed those that plot and scheme to get someone else’s husband and they deserve all of the antipathy. But others are vulnerable, insecure women with low self esteem who are manipulated by their APs and end up with someone who is far from a prize. They’ve been spun a line and they often think they are rescuing these men.

You sound like a pretty confident person who’s got good insight as you spotted the way things were going with this guy and played a blinder to get rid of him. Not all women are like this and many come from families where they were unloved and treated like the scapegoat. These women are very vulnerable to abusive, manipulative men because they make them feel loved and appreciated in the love bombing stage. They also feel like they’re rescuing these men from harridans as that’s what they’ve been told.

I think it’s great you got away although sad that you had to be so hurt in the first place. I’m getting divorced at the moment and in the early planning days I used to pray he’d have an affair so I would not have to deal with the fall out from being the dumper. He weirdly didn’t kick off but anyway I get why you might be relieved in some ways that you didn’t have to end it.