Is it dismissive when someone says they have the same symptoms too?

[SurreySenMum26]

This is about people being dismissesive or "oh i have that too" as a default go to answer for any health niggle.

I have only the last few years occasionally had to use the loo within 30 mins of eating in the evening. First it was Chinese food, presumed it was specific to Chinese maybe the msg.

Recently it's got more frequent and this month it's been more than once a week and no specific food. Eating my main meal just seems to set it off.

Yesterday I went for a day out with a mate with a long car journey and very late return. I was worried I'd feel unwell while out so bought a roll and nibbled on it during the day. I ate one roll. Nothing else. Just because I'm now to scared to eat.

Told dh. To which he immediately said he was bloated all day too. Earlier on in the week he said it was due to eating spicy noodles ( which I have eaten spicy food all my life). Then he gets that too, he has felt full, bloated etc. Bit I'm now to scared to eat. I don't feel unwell. I don't feel hungry.

When I replied and said " yes it's perfectly normal I guess" only then did he say it wasn't and I should see the Dr ( I have).

What is this? Trying to make you feel reassured? Being dismissive? Or making everything about him? I guess he is like this in general but the health stuff pisses me off. I had a appointment with a neurologist years ago after MRIs of my back. The Dr said my disks was calcified around my sciatic nerve and a few ml off rubbing on my central cord in another area. When we left I asked dh what he thought and his response was "I worry I have that too" yet he hasn't seen a Dr in about 20 years.

It’s people trying to be empathetic, we are told that you have to be empathetic to be a good human and that means letting people know you have walked in their shoes.

the I have walked in your shoes rarely works though as no two people are the same.

I agree with above. My brain automatically goes to look for patterns and see if I have shared experience like in an exam 😅

Yes I do wonder it's a clumsy attempt to reassure, because he was quick to say I need the gp when I agreed with him that was in fact very normal to be too scared to eat.

But because of this I didn't tell him about the tests I have been sent for. Or that I'm dreadeding eating our normal Sunday roast. Or i have lost 7lbs this week. I'd rather kerp my worries to myself right now.

You seem to be setting up secret psychological tests for other people to fail. I know this is very tempting but it's a way to make yourself very unhappy. It's a way to put this distress your feeling onto another person and make it their fault, make it external to you. It's a really human thing to do, but it isn't a good idea, because then you end up alone and still, in fact, with the problem you tried to project.

Don't compound your distress. Share your worries. If you don't get the perfect response, (nobody is perfect) you might get a hug anyway.

I'm sorry you are feeling frightened there might be something really wrong with you. It's a horrible place to be, the suspended agony pre-diagnosis. Hugs for you. I hope everything turns out ok.

Apparently, I do this too. I guess I should try not to...

I don't think I'm putting a secret test for him to fail. I'm just agreeing with him and then deciding it's not helpful right now talking to him about my concern. But it's a bit tricky when your in a family and share meals.

There degrees to seek commonality in being sympathetic when ill, but where is the line? When you have the gp request a test for bowel cancer?

My friends are aren't like this to dh's degree. There some "see what the tests say, hopefully it will settle in a while, you have been under some stress recently" mixed in with the yes I have / had this too responses.

To a degree or do you always match the energy? I think we all do it to a degree. But surely there's a line? Eg your friend finds a breast lump do you say " I had this too once, it's scary isn't it? What happens next, are you being referred?" Or do you say say yes me too, retel your symptoms and not ask any follow up questions of their experience?

It's more like 'I think I have a back problem' and I'll go 'my back hurts too' because it often does. I'd say it with common ailments (like your DH's bloating). I obviously don't pretend I've had a cancer scare.

I think it might be people trying to be empathetic, in most cases.

What does annoy me though is when someone asks what I’ve been up to and I say “work and sleeping, mostly” (I have type 1 narcolepsy) and they come back and tell me how tired they are all the time too. I mean, yes, I get that everyone is tired, but if someone I knew had a brain tumour, I wouldn’t try to one-up them with my headache 😅

Interesting bunch of empaths on here!

FWIW I get this all the time. I've got a back pain (slipped disk history) - two days later "My back's hurting". Got a headache? Yep, later that day " Now I've got a headache". "My stomach 's a bit upset" "Oh, mine's the same!" (Nothing eaten in common).

Don't care what it's called, I know what I call it...

I have a sibling like this.

Our dad had kidney cancer. It was removed, they gave him drugs to prevent mets, and it was successful, but made him very ill. Then it was discovered he had primary pancreatic cancer - the oncologist stopped his KC drugs, as the PC was terminal, so he may as well have a better quality of life.

At the final oncologist appointment, we found that after stopping the KC drugs, the cancer had spread like mad and was in his spine, brain, lungs and stomach - we were all shocked, as we were told the pancreatic cancer was worse originally. My sibling then asked the oncologist about their bloating and if he thought they could have bowel cancer.

Then when dad's remaining kidney failed, and he lay unresponsive and dying, they told the doctor that their kidneys were much worse and they would be dead first.

Sibling is still alive, and despite scans, colonoscopies and several other tests, they are still well.

I have a seriious illness and it drives me mad when other people say “oh yeah my balance is crap too” “oh yeah i can’t walk far either”.

I have a different disability which causes tiredness and I'm fed up of hearing this too.

But do you ask them any follow up?
Friend "my back hurts so much today!"
You "mine too!"

Then just silence and that topic is done? It's just in my case I could / should have said, oh no really? Tell me more? But I don't feel I wanted too this morning rightly or wrongly. I was after some opinion and thoughts on if / I should to eat today because we are cooking for each other and sitting down together for family meals over the bh weekend. Otherwise I might just inwardly roll my eyes a bit and get over it if it was a friend I didn't have to eat with.

Maybe my standards are too high? I do feel that sometimes. I'm expecting some kind of musing or opinion from someone to problem because it's good to bounce ideas about.

Re the cancer scares. My FIT result was over the limits, more likely than not nothing but I didn't want to develop the convo as it just stopped either his statement "me to". So its musing if this is a because he isn't concerned, he is doing it to reassure me or why?

Me "I only ate a roll yesterday as I was so scared I'd be taken ill in the car . Seems everything I eat now gives me urgent runs immediately after
Dh "yes I was bloated to"
Silence
Me "yes it's fairly common thing, probably nothing"
Dh " I think you need to a see a Dr, it isn't normal"

But if I had walked off after his reply of me too, that would been the end of it.

Well that's why I'm not going to mention my FIT test result, in case his is higher dispite never having a FIT test in his life 🙄 😒 🤔🤣😅

I guess it's all moot. I'm still not hungry or feeling weak etc for not eating. So until that point or some definite results I will seek my musing with others.

To be honest, I only discuss my health with my Dr. I don't expect others to be interested. I might mention something to DH and he nods, worries bit moves swiftly on. He does not do illness.

Fair enough. I didn't tell him when I found a breast lump or when I had a miscarriage until afterwards, so pretty much the same.

I only asked him to go to the neurologist for my MRI results because that was Christmas Eve, so implyed bad news. Ie might impact him eventually.

But this involves eating shared meals. So at some point it's going to come up. I guess I could just eat much less. But if he is cooking, it seems wasteful just to throw most of mine out.