Cannot stop thinking about my ex the past two days *trigger warning*

[sodoffbeforemycupofcoff]

this post is about an abusive ex. All yesterday and today I can’t stop thinking about him and I want to say missing him because that’s as close as I can describe the feeling, but I’m not missing him? I think it’s the company etc. this is my first summer in 5 years without him and we used to always do family things together in summer. Of course that ended in him being abusive but it’s just the thought and emotion mixing and stirring. It’s been so long now and I just don’t get why I miss him… well I don’t miss him… I just maybe miss the idea of him? We are no contact and he doesn’t see our Dc due to being who he is so it isn’t like I have seen him or nothing. I dream about him along. Every night this week in fact.

been there too. what is hard to take in is he is not dead he is still alive and out there. at least with death it is like a full stop and you could move on as there is no chance with starting agani. but you must not give in. you can easily think of the good times the times with your children enjoying days out. But that is not the whole picture. no doubt at the start he was really amazing just what you dreamed off. but he eventually showed his true colours didnt he? it starts with a slap being sworn at then esculates.
look at it from this point of view. your child would absorb the atmosphere even if not actually present during any abuse. tension would be easy to pick up. now you and your child are free and its up to you to make the life both of you want.
at the moment all is new frightening and usually so much to cope with; housing, ,money, benefits maybe, work, etc. but it will get easier. a lot of places will help you like Women's Aid or CAB.
Please dont make the mistake of thinking of going back just because its easier. if you ever want to pm me please do.
just try to get these thoughts in context that not all was rosy if you go back you will be going through it all again

It’s been a while for me now. We split in june24 we spoke again for 2 months and then we split again and rekindled again for 2 months where the abuse escalated to infront of our DC which is was it for me. Line crossed I definitely don’t think about going back but I grieve the man he could or should have been. I do very much feel stuck on him but not in a way of longing for him back. I’m stuck because he traumatised me. Everywhere I look there is a trigger. My life’s been on hold with the man for 5.5 years. I don’t know how to move forward. I’m in therapy but when I’m asked about him I start crying. I find him very hard to verbally speak about. I’ve been reminiscing on being with him and the company last night and today but not in a way I want him back. I couldn’t have a man like that near my children. It just makes me so sad that I loved him so deeply and he just took the absolute piss out of me and my children.

Also thank you so much for offering your support. How long has it been for you? And how long did it take you to get over it? I find a place in my mind and feelings specifically for him that box away and come up every now and then. As I say I’d NEVER get back with the POS not after everything. It was my last call and I wouldn’t do it to my kids ever again. But I find it hard to cope with it all

It's probably hard to see right now but you are moving forward and I think this feeling is natural and will pass.

Of course you have complex feelings about it, relationships are not straightforward.

You've done amazingly well to leave and protect your children, keep doing the therapy, you will come out the other side even stronger.

Thank you. It did feel it until these feelings creeped back.
I was fine with him leaving us alone and me just getting on with life with my children. I just feel really very sad that he wasn’t who he should have been for his family. He’s now out there swanning away on holidays living his life out every weekend dating, drinking partying and as much as I absolutely love my children and I made the call to stop contact with them, due to his abuse, it still angers me to think. WORK ON YOURSELF AND WIN YOUR CHILD BACK! Wasting time on pointlessness instead of taking anger management courses/proving he is a safe person (he isn’t but hard work on yourself without drink and drugs does help that!) but no… nothing. I’m not saying I’d EVER go back to him I absolutely would not if he was somehow cured of this illness of abuse or not but it matters that I have a little boy growing up without a dad. He’s doesn’t even know who his dad is. Not his name, what he looks like etc! It angers me.

Yes, I get that. It is sad for your boy.
And I can see how you would wish it was different, and are mourning the person your ex could have been.
I think you will move on from this period of grief.
From the real situation you were in you 100% did the right thing protecting him from his dad, and as time goes by the pain of it will improve and hopefully you have other people in your life to show him love and be positive role models?