Losing a parent as a teen (sensitive topic)

[jerichodreams]

I’m just wondering about people’s experiences really.

I have cancer, and it’s eventually going to kill me. Quite possibly fairly soon. Hopefully not, and I don’t want to dwell on that aspect, I’m just pointing out how serious it is.

My DCs are now 15 and 13.

It’s a bit of a “how long is a piece of string” question but I suppose I just want reassurance that they’ll be ok. They’re so used to me having cancer, it’s normal to them, so what happens when things take a turn for the worst? It could even be really sudden.

I can’t, realistically, prepare them.

I have two friends who lost their mothers as younger or older teens and they are both doing brilliantly. It remains an enormous sadness but it hasn’t ruined their lives. How has it been for you?

Fuck it, I’ve made myself all teary with this stupid thread. I don’t want any of this to happen. But I have to face up to it.

Don’t feel like you can’t share your experience if it’s less positive. I want to know the truth.

Fortunately my DCs have a wonderful father and paternal grandparents, and will be able to stay in the same house. It’s just a shit situation really.

Sending prayers and love to you and your family. So sorry you are going through this.
I don't have answers but as a teacher I have seen many teenagers lose parents and they do learn to live with the loss and with support of loved ones and friends will carry on without ruining their lives.

I lost my Dad when I was 12. My Mum didn’t tell me he had cancer and it was a massive shock. That made the grieving process much harder. All I would advise it be as honest as possible and please tell them it’s life limiting and not treatable if that’s the case. Honesty is the best policy. I struggled a lot after losing my Dad but that’s because my Mum was mentally unstable and lost it after he died. Does your husband have a good support network? Big hugs to you xxxxx

I lost my mum when I was 21 to cancer. So a little older, I'm not going to lie. I found it really hard, but I don't know if that was because I was away at university when she was ill and for most of her treatment.

I was aware that she was terminal for the last 6 months. What I would say is be honest with your children about how you are doing. My parents tried to hide things from me as though I wouldn't cope and that made it harder for me to deal with everything.

I'm sorry for your news OP and I hope you still have time to make some happy memories with your family.

I think it depends on how it’s dealt with.

i was just 13. It was sudden. It’s never really been spoken about since, and our loss was simply “kids are resilient, they’ll get over it”.

as the eldest I also found myself stepping up into an adult roles. Helping deal with bills, being leant on for decisions, being a sounding board for should we do this or that.

so my advice is always acknowledge the children’s loss and do not think they’ll just get over it. Even if they seem ok, and seem to be “doing brilliantly”

get them counselling. Talk to them. Get school involved. And not necessarily straight after, they may need it months or years later. I found it hit the hardest in my late teens - and by then everyone had moved on, life was stable, and I don’t want to drag it all back up. I really needed someone to talk to then.

make sure they feel they can ask for help at any time. That they may feel it all through their lives. In twenty years when their child is born and you’re not there. grief hits in weird ways.

i think it will help that you have time to prepare them. You’re all sufferings loss as I know you’ll be wishing you don’t have to go too and could be there when they’re missing you.

this is all very relatable and pretty much mirrors my own experience. Sending hugs xxx

My husband lost his mum to cancer as an older teen. It massively impacted him and his brothers. His friends have told me it completely changed him. Don't get me wrong - he's fantastic. But of course there is impact.
You sound amazing, considering this and thinking it through already. Having time to process, talk about it and prepare for it will help them.
Sending you love ❤️.

the one thing I can absolutely guarantee is that they’ll
have incredibly strong powerful memories to last their lifetime and there won’t be a day goes by without them thinking of you.

My mother became ill with cancer when I was 15 she spent a lot of the next two years in hospital and then died when I was 17. My younger sister was 15 and my older sisters were 23-27. My father was a very violent man and he quickly moved in a new partner. I’d had enough of him when I turned 19 so I left and took my younger sister with me left her with my oldest sister while I went back to my uni accommodation.

it was incredibly hard. I didn’t usually tell people as I found it to upsetting to discuss. I think other people thought I coped very well. It was the early 80s so there was no support for us.

My sisters and I have all made a success of our lives. We have / had (some are retired) good jobs, children, friends. Good lives. We miss mum of course and I found having my children hard as it brought it all back.

However we were doing it with no parental support, no grandparents or anything else while your children will have that support network.

My father wouldn’t let the doctors tell mum she was dying and they didn’t tell any of us so it was all a very sudden loss. I’d have liked even just a note from her that I could have kept so I’d say maybe put together something they can keep to remember how lovely you are.

so sorry you are going through this. I know your family will be ok, but there will always be a bit of a mum- shaped hole