AIBU to feel let down by a best friend’s lack of contact?

[Winkinnn]

AIBU to feel a bit let down by my best friend’s lack of contact?

I’m going through one of the hardest periods of my life at the moment and I did open up to my best friend about it.

I’m not expecting constant contact, but I suppose I thought I might hear from her maybe once or twice a week just to check in. As it is, she does reply sometimes, but there are often gaps of a couple of weeks in between.

She’s also not very forthcoming about arranging to meet up, and she doesn’t really do phone calls either, so it can feel a bit like all the effort is coming from me.

I think what’s also getting to me is that I’m more than happy to be there for her – whether that’s supporting her through things, chatting about her life, or just having low-key contact about everyday stuff. I don’t need it to be intense, it’s just nice to feel like someone enjoys your company and wants to be in touch more regularly.

At the moment it’s starting to feel a bit like she only really wants contact when it suits her, which is what’s making me feel let down.

I’ve tried to be understanding – I know everyone is busy and has their own stuff going on – but I can’t shake this niggling feeling that maybe I see her as a “best friend”, whereas she sees me more as a more casual friend.

I don’t want to be needy or unreasonable, especially as she hasn’t done anything wrong as such. But at the same time, when you’re going through a really tough time, a bit of regular contact and support from someone close feels like it should be normal?

AIBU to feel a bit let down by this, or am I expecting too much?

I’ve had similar with my friend group. I had to cancel going to meet ups as I was was going through a bad spell of crippling anxiety. I was honest about why I was cancelling. I’ve really struggled with the fact that no one followed up with me or checked in. I would have done if the boot were on the other foot and was really supportive to one of them when their dad died. I have tried to frame it that they obviously have their own issues to deal with and I either have to accept they aren’t the supportive types and have occasional meet ups, or I don’t bother. It’s upsetting for sure and I understand why you feel let down.

I thought about raising it when I met one of them last week but decided against it. I didn’t want the drama. Depends how close you are I guess.

I think what's reasonable very much depends on what kind of friendship you had before you opened up to your friend. If she has noticeably reduced contact, that's a bit rubbish. If you were typically in contact roughly once a fortnight, I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect her to suddenly be in contact much more often. I sympathise about it being hard when you realise that a person you see as your best friend does not necessarily see you in the same way.

I was really hoping there'd be more replies to this as I could have written it myself about a friend of mine who I've been friends with for nearly 20 years.

I thought we were best friends, but like you, maybe not. Over the past few years my parents have both died and my DH and I'd families have fallen apart. Add a bit of menopause into this and maybe I'm just depressing company at this point but I have tried to keep going and keep cheerful! I had hoped for a bit of friendly support from my mate but I haven't really seen her for dust. She's been busy with a new job and at one point (a couple of months after my mum died) told me she didn't even have time for coffee. Though she's often updating her instagram with gigs and theatre that I've never been invited to.

Maybe our kids have grown up and that was the tie in our relationship as they used to play together. Maybe I just need to move on. I honestly lie awake at night and ponder all this. It's horrible! And what hurts is I don't think she actually realises I feel like this - I was just a casual friend to her all along!

@Sadmum71 It's horrible when you come to that realisation, isn't it?
I had a similar awakening about a long-term friend many years ago when I suffered a number of close family bereavements in quick succession. I knew we weren't close friends but we did confide in each other about personal problems etc. I think that led me to think she thought more of me than she probably did.
She gave me a wide berth throughout and in the months after the bereavements, which I put down to the fact that she hadn't lost anyone close to her and didn't know how earth-shattering it can be. Roll forward a few years and she lost her own parents, but this didn't lead to any change in her behaviour towards me. I also remembered then that, whereas I sent cards to her when her parents died, she didn't when I lost mine. I know not everyone puts much store by these gestures, but she was always someone who did things "properly" so perhaps that was significant.
We still see each other occasionally but it's almost always at my instigation, so I guess my view of our friendship was wrong.

@Winkinnn a couple of things come to mind really

Generally, I feel that people are not into friendship these days. They find it unimportant. It's interesting to me that you say you see her as a best friend, but she perhaps sees you as a casual friend. How long have you known each other?

Also, there are a lot of people who say that your friends disappear when you are having a hard time, or you really find out who your friends are when you have a hard time

My experience is that they were around for hard times, but then they vanished post lockdown.

Regardless, it is very depressing, isn't it? I'm sorry you're going through this.