Boss having affair-what to do?

[Sostressedatwork]

I'm fairly certain my boss is having an affair with another employee. This is a person that I had a great deal of respect for and it's really upsetting me. How do I minimise the impact it's having on me? Ultimately, it's none of my business, but it's really affecting me.

Absolutely not - I would never do something like that.

Right, so nobody really understands what it is you are asking for?

I'm afraid not - pushing sixty and worked there 35 years

So why are you so bothered by this? Surely you’ve come across affairs before? I don’t think I’ve worked anywhere where there wasn’t something going on at some point.

Is there more to this? Are there perhaps other upsetting things going on your life?

I honestly dont know! I've seen a few affairs in the company over the years, but this is the first time it's happened in the department I work in.

It's odd that that so many posters are saying it's odd to be upset. It would upset me to know someone I worked with was a sleazebag even though I know it's their business and I wouldn't get involved.

I wouldnt say so, family are grown and settled and husband and I are finally enjoying time for ourselves.

I think what you're so uncomfortable with is the fact that someone you thought was good and trustworthy has turned out not to be, even if it's not to you directly. It shakes us to think we've made such an error of judgement on someone and feel taken for a fool.

It's kind of irrational (not having a go at you) but it's ultimately a very decent human response. It's like living in what you feel is a safe neighbourhood then learning one of your neighbours has been arrested for some serious crime, makes you doubt yourself and your surroundings.

Ultimately OP you can't do too much about it, just acknowledge that they weren't the person you thought they were and try and focus on you

I had colleagues who had an affair. They were a laughing stock, it was awful really.

I lost respect for them as I realised they were happy to lie to their spouses every day for a very long time so they were certainly prepared to lie to the rest of us. I left the company (linked industry) and would never do business with either of them. They have shown themselves to be untrustworthy people. Exposing your spouse to disease and gaslighting/lying to them (or lying by omission) is abusive and removes informed consent. I don’t like abusers.

I am sure they thought it was sexy and showed how desirable they were.

Affairs happen but it doesn’t make it dignified or right. It’s seedy and grim. I lost respect for them.

Some staff handbooks say it must be reported to HR due to bribery, corruption, unfair promotions, pay rises etc.

I think this exactly it, thank you 🙂

I'm in a similar position, except it's not my boss but two of the colleagues who I work most closely with who are having an affair. It bothers me because I thought we were all friends together but now it's two against one (me) and I have to be very careful what I say and how I act. I basically turn a blind eye and just act dumb. I'm not married to either of them so I'm definitely not the worst affected person and ultimately what they do is up to them.
And yes, I am looking for another job!

But why though? You haven’t chosen to associate with them. You just both got offered jobs by the same company and took them. There’s no further connection, and no reason why a colleague’s behaviour should upset you.

Would you be horrified to discover one of your neighbours was having an affair? Because you’re not responsible for heir behaviour either.

I think you’re too emotionally invested with work.

You never meet the real person at work, as everyone puts on a persona. you’re saying you feel surprised that this colleague is having an affair as they are a decent person. But the truth is, you probably don’t even know the real them well enough to make that judgement

Do not get involved.

spill it, nasty shite, it's all great and exciting until it is not, try and stay anonymous in the spilling of it.

In some industries you rely on your colleagues heavily - you need to trust they are honest, truthful and have integrity. Are their accounts accurate? Notes? Version of events? If money is unaccounted for? Backhanders for a contract?

You don’t have to be emotionally involved with your colleague but you do need to know they are honest! When you see a colleague can lie easily to a spouse (abusive) you struggle to defend or believe them. Thats a big issue in some roles.

Would I be bothered if a neigbour was a cheat - nah I’d just assume s/he was a loser! But hopefully I wouldn’t need to trust their report on a junior member of staffs work - did she turn him down? Is he shagging her? Does her report (on which her bonus, car allowance and promotions are based) reflect his desire to shag her and her willingness to comply? He’s a known liar - it’s a huge issue.

Is the contractor he’s suggesting getting naked with him on a Tuesday? Is he taking cash from the contractor? Bribery and corruption fines are huge. If he says he doesn’t know the contractor - is he lying? It’s a bloody nightmare when you know someone is prepared to lie on an ongoing basis for personal gain. If you lie daily to your wife would you lie for several grand in a cash envelope?

Are the company at risk of a claim being made? Is the dynamics of the team going to change as they feel Mary is being treated differently as she’s shagging a boss behind his wife’s back? Are they siding against other staff in meeting? Am I going to lose a great junior member of staff when the affair inevitably goes wrong and she’s uncomfy around him but thinks it must be kept secret as her spouse can’t find out?

Best to tell the spouses and get rid of the issue. They will either leave to keep their marriages or become a real couple (both of whom knows the other is a cheat).

Yes! We both hold positions where honesty and integrity are key, and now I'm doubtful that they can be trusted.

I think its a reach to suggest people who have affairs are suddenly going to stiff the company for cash or give backhanders or become a liability at what they do. As for getting involved and telling spouses, unless you have seen these two mid sex and even then, you are only going to bring trouble to your own door which may ultimately cost you your job. Do you know if any of the couples involed are poly for instance? Involving yourself needlessly in a work colleagues marital affairs has to be the most reckless advice ive ever read on mn 😂

Well this went ott, someone potentially, emphasis on potentially and now they are robbing the company> what a ridiculous thought.

the op doesn’t need to trust them she’s irrelevant. The company does, and their sex life and who or who they may not be shagging is no one’s business other than any partners, and no it doesn’t mean they are thieves.

Op As others have said do not report and let them get on with it, it is their issue and no one else's unless against Company policy,and its up to the Company to deal with it.

Your post has really made me think - you're absolutely right, I don't need to trust them, the company does! It's sometimes hard to not be emotionally involved when you've worked somewhere for so long and you have a fierce sense of loyalty to the place. As I've already said, I have no intention of getting involved and just wanted to understand why I felt this way. The answers I've had here have really helped, so thanks to everyone for taking the time to post. It's time to leave the thread now and enjoy the bank holiday weekend 😁

I do get it. I had a wonderful boss, the best I ever had, and it turned out he was having an affair with someone who occasionally worked with the team, like a special adviser. It was really uncomfortable because he started talking about it in one-to-ones, like he was involving us, and his wife sometimes visited the office. It made the whole team feel unstable and sleazy somehow. But there wasn’t any gossip/laughing, it was just upsetting. It was still going on when I left and years later he seems to have retired with his wife, so presumably it blew over in the end.

Youre allowed to walk away if people discuss things you don’t want to be part of.

I always wonder when people in here bay for blood screeching “Tell the wife!!” - apart from the bizarre over-investment of it, and complete lack of thought for how it might affect the OP’s position, how do they expect OP to do it? Who has contact details for their colleagues’ partners? If you manage to find them on social media, do you contact them under your own name, meaning that - assuming the message doesn’t just go to spam - your colleague will know it’s you? Or do you create a fake account (in itself a bit unhinged), meaning the colleague’s partner has no reason to believe it’s anything other than a crank?

Even if OP could get a message to them, why would they believe her over their own partner? If you can keep an affair from your partner, you can surely convince them a colleague is a nut job with a grudge.