Multi gender friendship groups when two people become a couple

[Gardenimp]

What's your experience?

BF and I got together 18 months ago, after being active in this group for, me 4 years, him 2 years.

It was an important group for me and I kind of fell into it at a really difficult time.

I was very aware (BF less so) that us getting together would change the group dynamic and tried really hard to keep behaviour the same when we were out with the group, but there have been changes. There's less flirting with other members of the group, I suppose, and BF amd I will go home together rather than sharing cabs with the people we used to go in the same directiom as. If we go away, I share with him rather than one of the women etc. Sometimes we go out or away just the two of us, whereas previously we would have always invited the group.

Things have changed. The group doesn't feel as close, which is a shame. I don't think anyone has done anything wrong, it's just changed.

Was that always inevitable?

Yes

Yes, though the impact it has depends on the overall size of the group IMO

I feel like the female mebers of the group are blaming me for the change. Two were clsoe friends seperately from the group and seem to have distanced themsleves from me, as well as the group. Which is a bit rich, especially as one went out of her way to engineer situations to bring me and BF together!

Change is absolutely inevitable when two of a group become a romantic/sexual couple, because you're essentially creating a two-person subgroup whose primary loyalty is one another, within the larger group. It can also make a bigger difference when the rest of the group are single, or mostly -- especially if the vibe is generally flirty, or if there were others in the group who would have liked to go out with one of you.

And also, people are afraid of what happens if you break up, because that will almost inevitably involve one or both of you no longer socialising with the group, or claiming it was mutual while you pretend not to glare at one another etc.

I think people who encourage friendship group members together often don't foresee the potential consequences.

Yes, there is one couple within the the group (the woman who encouraaged us tonget together), but their relationship predates the group.

I'm worried about what happens if/when we split too. Not because friends would have to choose, I think we could be civil enough to avoid that, but because it seems I've lost all my friends anyway.

I think it’s important to have at least some friends who are just or primarily yours, not shared, & preferably your own sex.

That made all the difference when I split with my ex, and it’s also about having people you can talk honestly & openly to if you’re having problems or just want to vent.

DH and I were part of the same friendship group (though not very close friends ourselves) for a decade before we got together. Yes, it inevitably changes things but, in my experience, the dynamic changes in that kind of big mixed group as people get older and get serious partners anyway. I was part of a few groups like that 20s - formed at school, university, work - and lots of other people I knew were too. None of those groups are still operating in the same way now we're all heading into our forties. Friendships are just generally more fragmented - less 'big group all meeting up together', lots more sub-groups. Life just got less amenable to getting a big group altogether. Now the only real downside to the fact that DH and I are both in that big group is that on the rare occasion the whole group does get together, we need a babysitter. It really doesn't come up all that often!

Yes, these were my friends, then he joined the group. It bothers me, but I don't know what I could/should have done about it or what I can do now.

Friendship dynamics change for many reasons
I wouldn’t dwell on it

I am going to come on and say this isn’t a gender thing as your title says it’s sex , not gender
Just saying 😁

I've only really noticed group dynamics shift noticeably when a couple within the group splits up. That can be a difficult situation.

If there's a group of single people then I think it's quite likely some romantic relationships will form over time. After all that's exactly the environment where people first meet and get to know each other better.

This. Even if you never split up tbh.

No, it’s tricky.

How difficult would it be for you to branch out & do something where you’d meet new people? A course, volunteering etc.

Well, it's why some people won't date within a friendship group, or a colleague. But you've done it anyway, so that's a moot point. I would just say focus more of your attention on other friends, outside this specific group. Or if you don't have any, work on developing some.